I've started noticing subtle changes in my dad which is concerning.
He's in his 60s and while he's very active, I can tell something is different.
He seems more confused lately. He also seems more exhausted.
It's not super obvious but I know him well enough to see through it.
I'm in my 30s but I want to know how some of the older guys dealt with seeing their dad get old.
27 comments
Pretty much my biggest fear and struggle. I’m super tight with my parents, my father is my hero. The fact that they’re inevitably going to die breaks my heart whenever I think about it. What I do personally is just spend as much quality time with them as they can and help where they need it. They’ll certainly decline with age but it doesn’t have to be terrible, just be there, be supportive etc 😊
It’s frustrating because he’s declining but he’s still in pretty good shape for a 72yo man. He and mom have some money. They could do almost anything. But he talks like he’ll live forever. “I’d love to go to Spain some day.”
Okay, then do it. Book a flight. Pick a hotel. Go. Clock’s tickin’, old man.
I feel this, my dad is almost 70. He’s healthy but his memory really feels like it’s going. We will talk on the phone or I’d go see him and my mom, we’d talk for an hour or more and the next day he’d call and talk about the same things like we never had that hour long conversation. When he comes over to my house for dinner or a kids birthday party, he’ll sit there and wonder when I got something that he helped me assemble, or ask about my dogs and when I got the new one (new one is 4 years old).
It scares me because my grandfather (his dad) went through this same decline where he just started to lose his memory and really declined once he hit his 70s and inevitably passed away at 75. I want to bring it up with my siblings, just not sure how to even approach it with them. My mom is either choosing to ignore it or doesn’t recognize it because she’s there every day with him, but she’s said he’s fine when I’ve brought it up before.
Enjoy the time you have left together, really make the most of it. Take him on holiday, share his hobbies, don’t be scared to tell him you love him.
My dad dropped dead without warning at 60. I’ll have regrets about things I didn’t ask him, the things we didn’t do and places we didn’t go together, for the rest of my life.
Coming to terms with my parents’ mortality has hit me like a bus. I never thought about it until recently and it weighs heavily on me, particularly because they’re both divorced, don’t really have much of a retirement, and have zero in the form of long term care or elder care insurance.
I’m lucky to have both parents still alive, dad in his 80s. It sucks seeing the decline. After moving away not seeing each other more often it’s more evident.
I’m not looking forward to the day or years after my dad passes. His input/advice/guidance to me means everything.
I know it’s one thing to say and another to experience. I tell myself I have to accept it though, I can’t change time turning back the clock. Same time I have voicemails, emails, letters from my dad to remember him, how great of a man he is, and the man be wanted to raise.
This is hitting close to home. I’m 38, and dad is about 78. Still drives, still builds things with his hands (construction). But slowly forgetting things and losing is hearing (refuses to wear a hearing aid).
Dealing with this now. My dad was always stubborn and didn’t know when to quit. He was literally working night and day renovating a house in retirement. He caught Covid ( for the third time). Went to the ER because he was having trouble breathing. A scan revealed he had a series of growths on his thyroid. He’s had surgery to correct it. It was the first time I saw him as “old”. It didn’t hit me until he was laying in a hospital bed in the ICU and I could see it.
His surgery was a success but I think he’s had long Covid, and he’s still in a lot of pain and very weak. Suddenly, the stubborn and headstrong old man who I thought was more or less “invincible” seemed extremely mortal. He’s 78. It’s been an immense wake up call to me to focus on my health and living life. It’s weird to think I’ve only got so many years left with him. I tell him often that I love him and try to cherish all the good times we’ve had together. Our relationship has been difficult at times. I’m trying to put all that shit behind and focus on the precious time we have left.
It’s made me think a lot about my mortality and how I’m going to deal with things after he’s gone. I’m not having kids and would like to be married. I did find that the person who had supported him the most is my mom and me. My sister tries but has her own kids and husband. It’s going to be up to me to support him and my mom.
Life is short. Cherish what you have. Tomorrow isn’t promised, so find joy in the day to day and mundane activities. Tell your parents you love them and try to make the most out of your life. It’s what would make your parents happy anyway.
I’m 48, parents are in their mid 70’s. They were like super heroes to me. I live nearby and we still see other regularly.
It saddens me a bit, but have come to terms with it as I am beginning to think about my own mortality (I’m on the back half so to speak and have some medical issues that may end it sooner than what I hope).
I enjoy my time with and remind myself that old age is a gift not given to everyone.
I mostly deal with it by just being a little nicer, a little more patient, just letting him do his thing.
My dad is a piece of work and people only get worse as they age. I don’t get to see him very often, so when I do see him, I just try to let things go and make it the best experience for him as I can. A little bit like taking care of a kid, in some ways.
In terms of my own shit? My dad couldn’t keep our family together, and I’m honestly glad he didn’t try because the way things worked out was the best for everyone, including me.
But it also means that I’ve sort of been my own father figure, even before I had a family of my own. So I don’t really have that problem of seeing someone who supported me or who guided me decline. A blessing and a curse, I guess.
My old man was a man’s man. Made Staff in the Army in SE Asia in the early 70s, built things in his workshop, never missed a game, always included everyone in every neighborhood event or family get-together he could. Now he’s 74.
Long COVID did a number on him and he’s basically bedridden with a CVS receipt of health problems, a craggy relationship with his doctors and a drinking problem to boot.
We all fly out to see him and talk to him on the phone as much as we can because modern medicine can only do so much, but I’ll never forget the advice he gave his brother-in-law when his dad was in the hospital dying: 𝐺𝑂 𝑆𝐸𝐸 𝐻𝐼𝑀. 𝐼𝑓 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑑𝑜𝑛’𝑡 𝑦𝑜𝑢’𝑙𝑙 𝑟𝑒𝑔𝑟𝑒𝑡 𝑖𝑡 𝑓𝑜𝑟𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟.
I can’t stress this enough because it sounds like your relationship with your dad is uber important. Savor every moment you can.
All the best 🤜🤛
I don’t know what to do. I’m kind of in the same boat, but my dad is losing his eyesight (he’s 67). He is now almost completely night blind but lives in a 100% car-dependent part of flyover america and it hasn’t crossed his mind that he might stop night driving (or driving at all, which I think he should).
It is parentifying! And my dad is a super intelligent and responsible man. Watching him kind of miss the boat on this is really weird and hard for me. I haven’t talked to him about it at all, and neither has my brother.
My father is still the same as he always has been even at 70. Still a workaholic but not as much as he used to be. We still hunt deer from a blind (he doesn’t do stands) every Thanksgiving weekend.
The flip side is my lady’s father. He sometimes calls her by her mother’s name or just can’t remember her name at all. She lives with them and takes care of them. It’s really sad to watch.
I expect, but do not look forward to, the day my parents start declining. I am there for my lady as she goes through this. She will be there for me when I have to go through it.
I got around this by simply having my dad die young
My dad just turned 88. He lives with me. He’s definitely not the genius engineer that raised me and taught me how to problem solve. I’ve had my cries about it. I’m there with him every morning with a hug and his breakfast routine laid out on the table. I’m there nearly every evening to hug him good night. Every now and then, I get a snippet of a story I’ve never heard before and I cherish it. He adopted me when he was 50 and I was 1 and it just kind of feels like I’ve picked up the torch he’s had to let go of. He’d be lost without me and I’ve gone from “missing who my dad was” to “taking care of and supporting who he is.”
He gave me such a good and safe childhood. Now it’s my turn to give him the best life he can have on his way off stage. It’s made me cherish life more, seeing this part of it so close to the end.
I never imagined he would get to the point he is at now. 83, can barely walk, struggles with everything and memory/ dementia issues. We recently put him in a memory care facility and it is hard to see his decline.
But it is. So make him as comfortable and safe as possible.
I don’t mind getting older as much as watching my parents getting old.
It is one of hardest shits to deal in this life.
My father passed away in my arms, october 21, 2023…just 10 days after his 67 birthday. There was nothing to cheer, he was a goner the moment he got into the hospital to treat the pneumonia – the death sentence of dementia patients;
So yeah, I can trace his dementia decease to 2017 when he had changed a lot. He got mad over petty things, kept losing at home his cellphone, wallet, he looked depressed and used to stay a lot in the room watching TV…It was very hard to see the most handy man I have ever met become nothing resembling a human being in his final years. The decease took everything from him piece by piece, we all lost something.
I remember my mom saying: “Your father has Alzheimer’s, the doctors said”. I didn’t hug or say anything to him, I just pretended everything would be ok and so did he. We faked until we couldn’t make it anymore.
Tough years…but everything has an end. We will all die. I am glad I had him for the most part of my life (so far), at least enough for me to know how a good man must be. He gave everything for the family and I couldn’t thank him enough. Thats life…some will live 100 years some will live 100 days, hours…or none at all..
So, yeah. Short answer? I don’t know. Figuring it out now.
But I’m 52; he’s 77; and I’m not making plans for anything that assume I’ll be in good shape mentally after 75 because he’s declining but in denial at least half the time because he always thought “it wouldn’t happen to him” in his magical thinking sort of way, and it’s a godawful pain that I’ve got no intention of putting my kid or spouse through.
I love him, but this is dumb. My stepmother is taking the brunt.
I accept my own mortality and get the fuck after it with grace and compassion for myself and anyone I can help. It’s not going to be easy and we can’t do anything about it. Eat clean, have a beer here and there, rub my wife’s feet and enjoy the small things.
My Dad’s pushing 70 and he’s doing great, all things considered. His body isn’t in the best of shape but much better than most. He just walks consistently and rides a bike. He’s again in decent shape.
His mind though is excellent. Still as sharp as always. Might run in the family. My paternal grandmother died when she was 104 years old. She was sharp the entire time. My maternal grandmother died at 95, almost 96. Just a few weeks shy. Once she turn 90, her mind was off. She would struggle to remember things.
My paternal grandmother was only 4.5 years older than her. I was surprised to see the difference. One was 97 about to be 98, but sharp as a blade. The other was barely 93 and couldn’t remember her last name.
It is sad. It’s inevitable. [+]
I grew up on a small farm; my dad fancied himself a part-time farmer with his corporate job. One of his joys was maintaining enough firewood for us to heat the house, and since I was five years old, I was his helper. He’d sharpen the chainsaw blades and fell the trees in our woods, and I’d scurry around picking up the cut branches and wood chunks. After a while, his experiences in Vietnam came back to him in the form of health problems. Diabetes, cardio issues, open heart surgery, neuropathy, etc. All that strength I had assumed was inexhaustible just evaporated. In my early 20s, he couldn’t handle the chainsaw so well, and he had to take frequent breaks. I started picking up the chainsaw and felling the trees, and he began picking up the branches.
That moment of role reversal is wrenching. It felt good to know I was completing the circle, but completely wrenching to see his decline. I think about this often.
He died three years ago.
My dad, 76 was just diagnosed with prostate cancer. We aren’t really talking about it. Waiting to find out how bad it is. I’m afraid it probably going to be bad. I think he is too. So how do I deal with it? Honestly I don’t know. I know how he will. Dramatically😂.
Probably how I will too.
I had the thought today, and he spent all his time chasing money and women. because money is the thing that’s going to care for him.
because he chased money and friends and didn’t chase time or relationship with his children…
So his money can take care of him. Because his kids won’t.
Yeah I notice similar stuff. Anyone else would think he’s the same as ever but I can tell he’s different from before in little ways. He’s a little more reluctant to engage in deeper conversation, a little less attentive to details, and tends to forget things I tell him so I need to repeat myself or tell the same story three times.
He lost his dad when he was 3 though, so I’m lucky have had this much time with him.
Good question. I dont have the answer. You just do
You realise theyre human and youre their legacy