I have a pretty high sex drive myself, but as you'd imagine, it can't compare to my boyfriend's. It fascinates me how we could be having a normal conversation over the phone one moment, and the next he'd comment about how hard he is and wants to do stuff to me. I love it, don't get me wrong, being wanted by my bf in that way also puts me in a mood. Our sexual encounters are rare since we are currently long distance, so when we do see each other we have sex multiple times a day, everyday.
He was the first and only person I'd ever slept with, I am very emotionally attached to our intimate moments. When I masturbate I think of us, or sometimes even just of him jerking off. It is the only way I can get off and I no longer feel that post nut shame that comes with watching porn. See, I am not unfamiliar with porn as I used to watch it, not everytime when I had to get off, but it felt like a treat every once in a while. This is why I am not opposed to my bf watching it- I understand the appeal.
But since my preferences have changed I kind of expected him to relate to me in that regard as well, and I find myself a bit disappointed that he does not. He has never outwardly stated that he watches porn, nor has he ever made any comments towards my body. But I had once seen his search history. Curiosity got the better of me and I searched for the username I'd seen, and I found the most gorgeous girls ever, completely opposite of me.
It's very hard to stay confident after that. I like how I look but I know I'm not the prettiest girl ever, and it just makes me more aware of my flaws. This happened right after we tried to masturbate on video call. He could not cum. I also sent pictures and videos of myself. I do need to add that he has no problem ejaculating when we have sex or when I suck him off, we even masturbated together in the same room and he finished that time as well, so It could be just something completely different.
I feel very insecure and unwanted, i'm very emotional since I hadn't seen him in a while now. I fear that one day when we meet up he will not want to have sex with me anymore. This is not just "oh I want to please him" but also satisfying myself and my emotional connection. Sex with the person I love has grown to be something very important to me and I am very protective of it.