I (bi -17f) wasn’t necessarily looking for a sexual relationship, but now that I’m with my boyfriend (17m), that’s changed. He’s never ever pushed me to do anything without consenting and we’ve never gone past cuddling and a little bit of fondling. He always tells me that I can do whatever to him, but the thought of even touching his genitals freaks me out and I have no idea why. I feel awful because I always let him please me (and everything he does feels amazing), but when I want to reciprocate that I just simply can’t. I’ve been educating myself for quite a while now on male anatomy, but it still grosses me out and I have no idea how to get over it without making myself uncomfortable in front of him.
I also struggle with masturbation which I fear is a big problem if he ever tries to touch me down there. I feel so inexperienced and even though he’s also a virgin, if I can’t figure out how to please myself, I’ve heard no one can, but he’s the only thing that actually turns me on. Every time I’ve tried to masturbate, I can sort of feel it coming on, but the moment I try to put anything inside I immediately stop and ask myself what the hell I’m doing.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve done so much research and nothing seems like enough. I don’t know what is causing this fear of mine and I don’t know how I can get over it because I KNOW I want to have sex with him eventually and it’s been so many months I’ve felt like this (I also am on birth control pill and he said he’d use protection if we ever did PIV so pregnancy/STI isn’t a concern for me).