We have been together for 8 years in a really convoluted relationship. We lived together for 2 years, and I moved out 4 years ago (when I found out he had cheated on me). When I moved out, I was heartbroken but resolved to have a better life.
Well, that didn't happen. 4 years on and I'm still seeing him every week. We still have so many issues (and gradually a nearly dead bedroom over the past 4 years because the trauma of infidelity was never properly dealt with).
From the time I met him 8 years ago he was my "drug". I craved his attention. And when we were apart I would feel so empty.
Now, I'm really struggling with this. When we are together, I don't have a particularly good time. It's not sexy anymore at all. It's not usually very fun. We have a lot of issues.
But when I put distance between us or think about breaking it off, I seem to forget how unfulfilled I am when I'm with him. Even when I try to distract myself I get increasingly depressed.
I'm also wondering if I should just accept what we have and do my best to make it work. I'm very middle aged. I don't have a great job (and where I live there is so much competition that it's kind of a wonder I have a job at all). I'm overweight, likely a combination of depression and menopause (and working at it), and I'm very well aware that I'm not overly attractive to men…nobody ever pays me any attention. I am also somewhat disabled (bad back) so a lot of activities are out of the question. I have an 18 year old son who just left for college, so I'm literally all alone in an apartment now.
My partner is the opposite of me. Well off, charismatic, lots of admirers. So if I try harder to make it work, at least I won't be alone. I know things aren't good between us, but I admittedly could try harder. For the record (in case anyone thinks I'm using him) I have been very, very good to him. Especially when we lived together…I looked after so much and I adored him.
I strongly doubt that at this point I'd be able to meet anyone else. I hear so many other women who are younger and prettier and have better jobs and lots of hobbies lament about how they can't find anyone, so I don't think I would have a chance. And I do love him (even though we have so many difficulties). I just wish he was kinder to me (he has a lot of anger issues and tends to lash out).
Do I need therapy? After another fight (where he body shames me or treats me with disrespect or whatever else happens on a nearly weekly basis) I am resolved that I NEED to leave him. And I mean to. And then I just feel increasingly empty and scared and end up going back. Please give me some advice.
tldr: my partner doesn't treat me well and we have a very volatile relationship but every time I try to leave I feel empty, depressed and panicked so I cave.