I am not one to air out my problems online, but I feel completely alone and out of ideas.
I (25F) have been married to my husband (32M) for 1 year. We have an 8 month old. We knew each other for a few years then dated for about a year before getting married and baby was born soon after. I love him so much. I take my marriage vows very seriously so please don’t say “divorce” obviously I know divorce and counseling are always options, but I want to hear from someone, anyone who has been in my shoes.
Back before we dated and were just friends he always had a job (blue collar), and I admired that he was a hard worker. He has endless skill sets in construction, mechanics, landscaping, etc. Just before we started dating, he quit his construction job due to issues with his employer (which was the right call, his boss was at the very least violating labor laws. I know that company professionally and they are incredibly hostile and underhanded).
Well then we started dating and everything was a whirlwind. He said he was looking for a job. There were some holidays and we planned some trips to visit both our families (both our parents live in different states). Anyways it was always “I’m going to start working again after (insert trip, responsibility, holiday, etc). Well then on the last trip visiting his family, we got pregnant. And we were overjoyed and I wouldn’t change a thing. However, at this point he proposed and we started living together and he still didn’t have a job but he always insisted he was going to start working again very soon. There was always a reason he needed to do something else first. Luckily I earn enough to pay the rent and our bills, but it was so much pressure to be working while having morning sickness, and I felt like I couldn’t take a single day off because I couldn’t do anything that would jeopardize the one income we had. My employer very openly hates children and mothers (which is a whole different issue) and although I am valuable to the company I felt very stuck. Also, in my state you need to be working at a place for 12 months prior to the baby being born in order to qualify for protected unpaid maternity leave so I did not feel like I could go to another job without the safety net of a second income.
Well 9 months go by fast and he still didn’t have a job. He occasionally would be paid to do things like install water heaters, flooring, painting, oil changes, etc but he did not have an actual employer, benefits, or a regular paycheck. I have paid for every single bill our entire relationship and marriage.
When the baby came I had to continue working part time from home for my company because that was the only way for me to earn enough to continue to cover our bills without draining my savings. Again, I could not bring myself to do anything that would take away from my family and child’s security. So that meant I had my laptop out hustling getting my work done while in labor. I literally never got a break. After my 12 week of protected time was up I had to be full time again. However I do work from home now and only go into the office for 2 hours/week to print checks. It breaks my heart anytime I have to be away from my baby. My job is horribly demanding – phone calls on multiple phones 24 hours a day. There is no escape.
Meanwhile my husband still isn’t working. Even during my pregnancy I really didn’t push the issue because I didn’t want to be the reason he worked a job that made him miserable. Growing up, my mom stayed home with us kids and my dad went to work to support us and he HATED it. He made everyone around him miserable and it was so obvious that he resented his wife and children. (Things are much better now that he’s retired I have a good relationship with him – sorry separate issue I just like to give context) My whole life I promised myself I would never put a man in that position. But now I feel like I shot myself in the foot because now I’m the one who is miserable working and sacrificing to make ends meet. When I bring up getting a job to my husband now, he thinks I am blaming him for my work stress. Yes my job is stressful but at this point the problem is that I never got to have a real break. I don’t understand how he could have watched the woman carrying his child go to work completely sick, burdened with work literally while giving birth and immediately post partum, and not stepped up so she could have a break. Everywhere I look in the world I see men sacrificing for their family, and it is breaking me because I don’t understand what is wrong with me that I’m not worth supporting. My husband ALWAYS had a job of some kind since he was a teenager. Not rolling in dough but always having some kind of reliable income. Why is it that now I have to carry everything. I never imagined he would have gone this long without a job.
I am afraid he won’t step up until we are desperate financially, and I will never let that happen because I literally do everything I can to make sure we are comfortable and bills are paid. I cry constantly because I hate my job and that I can’t get away from working because I have a family to support all on my own. He gets upset when I cry and he says if I want him to work so bad then I should find him a job. I have sent him different job listings and contacts I have in a few different industries, but what am I supposed to do? Go to interviews for him?
I don’t expect him to fully support us, but I want him to be my partner and help me pay for things so we can save some money and so I can have the freedom to find a job that doesn’t suck my soul out of me or take me away from my baby.
Has anyone ever had a situation like this where your partner eventually stepped up?
I love him so much, and he is an amazing father and man and I am with him for better or worse. We really do have a great relationship – great sex life and we are best friends. But I really don’t want to be completely drained like this for the rest of my life and I need some hope.
And please go easy on me – I know I allowed this to happen, but this is where I am now, and I don’t know where to go from here.