Hi Guys
My boyfriend (39M) and I (36F) have been together for 9 months. To say it has been challenging is an understatement. Since the beginning we have struggled to land in 'that place' of comfortability and connection. I have felt like I have been on the back foot the whole time. As an example, on our first date, I actually wondered if I had got the whole thing wrong as he gave no indication that he was interested in me in that way. After some drinks he did pull into me. He came back to mine and we fooled around but didnt sleep together. He left in the morning, I messaged him right after he left to say thanks for the evening and great to hang out. He didnt reply till like 9PM.
He went overseas for 3 weeks and we were messaging every day most of the day. He made a comment over voice note which felt way too premature and presumptuous. Something like: YOU can sit on MY lap and tell ME how much I mean to YOU. This caught me off guard as it was way too early and a bit entitled in my opinion. I replied and said, "Well before that, I would like to find out how much you actually mean to me". He stopped talking to me for 2 days. I eventually messaged and said ok can we just end this over a call rather than just ghost me?! We called and it got sorted out.
All this could be chalked up to me being insecure, I know this. Other instances like we would go for dinner and he would have nothing to talk to me about. The night before he was leaving to go to another city for a month, I assumed we would spend the evening enjoying each other and maybe get a little sexy, nah he detached and chilled on his phone.
Getting into the relationship, I made it clear I wanted us to be together and he kept sort of not addressing it (we didnt live in the same city). Eventually one night he said to me: Ok so do you want me to be your boyfriend? I am an intelligent woman and I have been through a few relationships, but Ive never had a dynamic like this where I feel like I am the pursuer. This ramped my insecurities up something crazy!
I moved to the city where he lives, and moved in with him. Almost immediately I felt like he detached from me. We hardly have sex. He suffers with Premature ejaculation. We have never had a decent sex session. I brought it up (sure there is no great way to discuss these things). He blames our lack of sex (and it's honestly virtually non existent) on that conversation. We have very little intimacy.
On to recently: I went away with friends for a birthday weekend. I left on Friday. He stayed in the city to attend his best friends (38F) birthday that night. The crowd is very burning man, feathers fishnets polyamory, not my vibe. There was no reception where I was staying. I get hold of him on Saturday on a trip to the shops (around 1PM). He had just arrived home. The night before apparently he to to the party, drank too much, did a bump of Ketamine that floored him. He had to chill on a couch the whole night. He was driven back to someone's apartment where he stayed till the following afternoon.
Fastforward to Tuesday. We go for a run. He locks us out of the apartment by accident. Lock smith called and he's walking around the building to access the balcony. I have his phone. A message pops up from Elize a girl I have met twice in this burner crew. Something along the lines of, sorry I came on so strong, I know I made it hard for you not to hook up with me, Im glad you didnt try anything, I respect your relationship etc. I hand him his phone saying I think I saw a message from Elize I wasn't supposed to see. He puts his phone in his pocket and completely ignores it. Like completely. We get to the restaurant where we are waiting and Im like dude wtf was that. He glosses over it, no big deal, a bit of flirting.
Long story short, over the next few days, through my questioning and zero volunteering of info on his part, it materialises that she was at the apartment after the party too, she lay with her head in his lap, they then slept on a couch together with their heads facing the same way and her lying on his arm. It also transpired, that he drove her home. He also called her the day after I saw that message but didnt tell me. He also deleted this call off his phone. All of these details I had to find out bit by bit on my own.
I went back through their chat hx. He sent me a video message walking on the beach earlier in the year. He sent her a video message the same day asking if she will be going to a festival. She text replied saying no she has some life complications going on. He replied asking: Oh is it romantic complications? Another VN from him to her a while later 'checking in' and saying he'd like to spend more time with her.
This is a person I have been fighting to build connection with, to improve our sex-life with despite the PE, who I packed my life up to be with, who hardly notices if I am naked, who whenI got into the bath with him recently did not seem that enthusiastic and eventually said "well you're here now".
I dont know if this counts but there is a lot of trauma in his past. His ex passed away from cancer and his father killed himself.
Am I missing something here? Is this thing dead? Happy to provide more information if needed.