bf assumed we’re moving in together without really talking about it

24 comments

1. I would NOT move in with him; get therapy and a psychiatrist to help you through your trauma and maybe in a year when you’re stable, you can think about it again. But moving in with someone right after going through trauma is just asking for more trouble, even if all goes well your trauma will continue to eat at you unless you get help with it and learn to cope. You’re obviously not ready yet, so don’t push yourself into that kind of situation when it’s clear you’re not ready by your reactions.

2. You need to sit him down and basically tell him you’re not comfortable moving in so quickly. However, if you’re staying 4 days out of the week, couldn’t you do a trial period where he is the sole person on the lease? This way if things don’t pan out, you can easily remove yourself from it.

3. Don’t move in together. Let him know that this is not the time for this yet.

   Don’t be in a relationship if you are not ready for one. Work on yourself first before getting into relationships.

4. First of all. You guys are moving wayyyy to fast in my opinion. 3 months and already thinking of moving in???? Relationships are ment to be a win-win situation, there not meant to only come out with one winner and the other person behind, not only you guys need to be equal, relationships are all about negotiating and thinking what’s right for the both of you. With this relationship your bf is thinking you both are on the same page, this is meaning that there’s a lack of communication between you guys. I think that because you stay at his house 4-5 times a week gave him a perception of wanting to move in together. To have a god relationship, yes you can have really good time together but time away can be just as good.

   Hope this helps

5. He was on and off with you cause he wasn’t sure even though he has ample time during those entire 6 mos. Unless he’s got trauma of his own, it seems he only wants to move in now because he found a legit reason beyond love and romance (aka something practical for him).

   This happens a lot sometimes and it would be okay if you were all lovey dovey the start, but the fact he suddenly changed his tune from being unsure to sure in just 3 mos makes me think there’s an underlying motive.

   I don’t want to speculate cause I don’t know him, but if you can trust him and lay down ground rules about boundaries (sharing chores or expenses) or talk to your friends or family for advice.

6. Just tell him no. If he can’t handle that, then he’s not a worthy partner.

   More broadly, I would consider this a pretty big red flag. Lack of communication spells doom for a LTR.

7. “I’m not ready to move in together. I have my reasons, some of which I’ve shared and some of which I will likely share in the future. I’m sure you understand.”

8. No. Far too early

9. Do not move in together until BOTH of you are ready. At this point it seems too soon. No one should pressure you to move in.

   It may make the most sense financially and convenience-wise (and I’m sure he’ll make that argument) but that doesn’t mean it’s the right choice for you right now.

   If he actually cares about you then he’ll be understanding about your need for additional time and comfort. So if he’s pressuring you or trying to act without considering what YOU want and need, that’s a huge red flag.

   Asking for another year of patience really isn’t too much to ask.

10. Tell him to renew his lease. Too soon to be moving in together.

11. Talk to him and tell him you are not ready. You have only been with him for months. It takes years to get to know someone.

    >
    We basically live together now as I stay at his house 4 days out of the week

    Maybe, but you know you can stay at your place when you need a break. It’s different when that option is gone. Take your time and enjoy getting to know each other.

12. Too early… don’t do it. You need to feel more safe and secure in your relationship and “staying over” is not the same as sharing a space and bills. It’s too early to share your trauma as well, you don’t know each other well enough yet – otherwise you might have told him already.

13. Okay, the fact that he never talked to you about it is a HUGE red flag. DO NOT move in with this man. This relationship is WAY too young for that big of a step. Listen, my bf basically lives with me now, but we haven’t pulled that trigger yet because we want to be sure its going to work out first.

14. You’ve known him less than a year and dating 3 months. And previously abused? Absolutely not

    Even without your background most people would say no to moving in after 3 months. So please don’t think that is just because of your history. 7 years in an abusive relationship? It could take years to move forward. Trauma work is hard. I know people 5 years in finally feeling like they have a better handle on things. Please don’t rush a thing

15. Don’t move in yet. You’re only dating 3 months. Going from ‘never sleeping over’ to ‘sleeping over 1 night a week’ is a big move. Going from ‘sleeping over from x nights a week to y nights a week’ are all smaller moves. The Real Big Move is giving up your own place. You’re not ready for that, so don’t. However, do communicate with your BF about this. As you’re over 4 nights a week at his place, it’s not unreasonable that he feels you are compatible for living together, and for him, practical cost-saving measures might be more on the front of his mind than your mental reservation on this. Did you communicate that issue with him?
    To strenghten your independence, I suggest you also stay in your own place a bit more, and have him over there a few times a week.

16. Tell him that you do not want to live with him until you guys are within 6 months of the wedding date. Problem solved.

17. Dating 3 months and moving in?? No way I’m sorry. Think it over more!

18. You need to tell him right now!! I’m sorry you assumed we would be living together; I am not ready for a 24/7 roommate/BF.

19. If you aren’t enthusiastic and excited, you’re not ready.

20. It’s May now, he’s got options to find other roommates or accomodations. Tell him he needs to do so.

21. Just tell him you’re not ready for this step & he needs to look for his own place. Even without past trauma, moving in together at less than a year is fast imo and there is NO timeline in which he should just assume – although I will give him the benefit of the doubt that you staying over so much maybe gave him the impression that you would like that? Still, communication is important. Just let him know how you feel. Someone who respects and loves you will be more than understanding that you still want to have your own place.

22. Goodness. Only three months of officially dating and you’re feeling weird about moving in together? I think what you’re feeling is perfectly reasonable and normal. I haven’t been in a traumatic relationship and I would *still* be questioning this scenario. Especially, since he didn’t discuss it with you first. Who does that?

    So, he has you looking for apartments and his lease is almost up. To be fair to him, you need to tell him that it’s too soon and you’re not ready. You don’t need to explain, or describe your trauma. You’re just a person who thinks you need more time before taking this step. If he causes a fuss, well, then you know, don’t you?

    Good luck. You’ll be fine.

23. 3 months. Hell no. Tell him you’re not ready to
    move in yet and he should respect your decision. Do not jump into anything you’re not 100% comfortable with.

24. You’ve only been dating for 3 months and august is 2 months away. 5 months is way way too early to move in together. There’s no non-conflict route to do this. You just need to woman up and say – “I’m not moving in with you in august. It’s too soon. “