Me (F28) and my ex (M27) have been dating for 8 years. He was my first sexual partner and we explored many different things together. We both had struggles with mental health and it got into our sex life too (we are both in therapy now).
Some context: at the start I kind of forced myself to have sex, it was uncomfortable and painful. However, I thought it was a "me problem" and my partner at the time let me take that responsibility. It confused me because he would be caring and kind, yet wouldn't notice me crying during sex or if I was clearly uncomfortable but say "just go on" – he would until he finished. (I admit – I shouldn't have forced myself to do things I wasn't comfortable with in the first place. Again, therapy helped with that).
There was a lack of emotional connection, I found out some things that I wanted to break up over, yet he'd change his behaviour for a bit (claim he understood what was wrong – even though I don't think that was the case), beg me not to break up and give me gifts. Other time he'd say things like "I'm not as curious of a person as you" (this was in context of deepening emotional connection) or "sex is not as important to me as it is for you". I felt a bit stuck in the relationship and that I had to make it work.
I've started blaming him for the lack of my sexual attraction to him. I'd blame his looks or personality, or not being "manly enough". (again, I know this was so horrible and never acceptable! I've stopped doing this when I've learned emotion regulation. These things would happen during heated moments). At the same time, he'd be open to try anything and explore.
Now the main topic: at some point we've got into a D/S sexual dynamic that was heavy on humiliation, neglect and disrespect. At some point it worked, it was new, exciting, seemed to fix the sex life – until I've started feeling bad mental health effects. I've brought up many times that I don't think it's healthy for me. I've started realising that I enjoyed these things due to trauma and it somewhat became a place of self-harm. Yet we continued doing it, partly because we didn't know how to connect otherwise. I was very confused on what to do – especially when I felt so low. I feel a lot of guilt and shame over this. He blamed me for this dynamic as I was the one who brought it up. Yet, he also said that he's never felt more turned on by doing those things (he struggled getting an erection before). He also did his research about it (which he didn't do for any other issues in the relationship at the time – neither did he do any research of how to help me when I felt mentally distressed).
Later on (for 6 months) we've opened up our relationship (my idea). I went on 4 dates and we've had a threesome together (with a random guy we've found on tinder) – I was pretty much blackout drunk (didn't remember much the next day). He was angry and hurt the next day, and I've tried to play it off like that was a fun adventurous experience that we've got to do together and tried to reassure him. He didn't ask me if I was okay. There were also a few times when he angrily lashed out on me during sex – when play seemed more like he really wanted to hurt me (one of these times was after the threesome). He and his therapist explains this as "pent up feelings due to the belittlement he received early in the relationship". He says that he's done the kink for me as he wanted to make me happy and turned on and simply wasn't strong enough to say no.
This makes me feel a bit crazy, like I brought these things on myself (I very well might have been) and all he did was try to make me happy. Also, he's the most kind, giving, supportive, patient and caring person. He's always said nice things about me and supported me in daily life. And there were also many times when we had a lot of fun together and connected deeply. Also, I wasn't always the nicest or healthiest person.
P.s it all stopped when I decided to move out, went sober and took my healing seriously. Yet guilt still haunts me – that I abused him and got him into something that he didn't want to be apart of. He's still trying to win me back and make it "right" with me.