I (20M) was seeing a girl (21F) for about 3 months that ended at the start of the summer. Things didn’t work out between us then for a couple reasons that I won’t go into here because it doesn’t seem important. She wanted to stay in contact as friends but I needed time away because I really saw a future with her and it didn’t seem like immediately switching to friends would work out for me emotionally.
I reached out again a few weeks ago asking to be friends and we texted all day for about a 2 week period as friends until she confessed her feelings for me and told me she wanted to start to start a relationship with me again. We had a conversation about it and here’s where I really messed up. I was hesitant about the relationship because I wasn’t sure if she was just coming back to me now because the grass wasn’t greener so I told her some things I would need in the relationship to feel more comfortable. Although I think what I was trying to communicate with her was not inherently disrespectful the way I communicated it was. I never had the intent to be disrespectful but she said the way I phrased it was “unforgivable” and that she no longer saw a relationship as something she wanted from me. I never really gave myself the chance to process things at the time and wasn’t thinking about how my words would be perceived which led to me phrasing things in a way I absolutely regret. I tried to apologize at the time because I recognized that I had communicated myself in a very poor way but she was still very cold towards me (I should mention all of this was over text, which I know was a big mistake). We ended things by agreeing that it was best we don’t speak to each other for a little bit.
I think even though I communicated with her poorly there were some things we disagreed on in the way we see relationships that make us not a good fit for each other. However I think with the personality chemistry we have, forgetting everything associated with romantic feelings, she could be one of my absolute best friends and I want her to be.
I absolutely hate the idea of ever trying to have an important conversation over text again, which I guess is a good thing I took away from the experience. But I do still feel I owe her a proper apology.
My question is, would it be appropriate for me to write a letter to her apologizing, and if so would it even be a good idea?
Here’s what I’m thinking right now. I think I need to wait a little bit and kinda let her cool down from the situation. I know I messed up and if I try to do anything too soon it’s not going to end in the way I want it to. My plan is to send a letter in about a month with a very long apology (I already have it written). In the letter I also want to ask her to be friends, and if not now then whenever she is comfortable. But also to say that I understand if what I’ve done is something that makes it so she doesn’t want to be friends with me either.
TL:DR – I unintentionally disrespected someone I care a lot about and was trying to pursue a relationship with. Is it appropriate to send a letter apologizing and asking to be friends?