My partner (30, NB) and I (29, ftm) will fool around, and they're used to not orgasming during sex (they're working through some stuff, it's all good). They genuinely feel satisfied with our adventures despite not cumming, and they're of the belief that sex doesn't have to equal an orgasm.
I believe that too, but it's like my brain/body doesn't.
If I don't cum after being fucked, I get very frustrated and angry. Honestly, it's embarrassing. I hate it so much. I feel shame when I get like that. We've talked a lot about it to help me figure out why I feel that way, but I don't know how to process it, because I don't understand where it comes from.
I have some theories (ADHD rage, my hypersexual nature, my OCD, trauma, etc.) but I honestly have no idea. I know it's not an addiction, because I'm not constantly chasing an orgasm or anything like that. I don't jerk off multiple times a day to desensitize myself. It's literally just when we're deep in the moment and then it doesn't "resolve". There's no release. Normally I do cum, but there are obviously times where it's not a happy ending (due to whatever reason), or when we experiment with ruined orgasms, or orgasm denial.
I can't afford therapy, so here I am, hoping someone can help me shed some light on this.
I also want to clarify that it has nothing to do with my partner, and I'd never force them to finish me off when they want to stop. I get angry when I'm trying to jerk off alone and nothing happens, too. I always apologize when this happens with them, and they're very understanding.
If anyone has any advice, I'd really appreciate it. I really want to work through this.
Thanks for reading.