My girlfriend and I have been together for about 8 months and we are getting pretty serious.
She grew up in a big family, and her birthday’s were always shared with other events/celebrations, so she always felt like her birthdays were never truly hers. So as an adult, she likes to make a big celebration of them and they are very important to her. She told me about this 5 months in advance to make sure I was available, and started planning a couple activities for that weekend.
Enter my forgetful brain: about 6 weeks before her birthday, I remembered that I received a save-the-date to a high school friend’s wedding out of state. The friend and I were very close in high school, but now text a couple times a year and see each other every several years.
As a compromise, I offered to be present for Friday & Saturday of her birthday weekend and fly out to the wedding early Sunday morning (the day of her birthday). After thinking about it, she told me that even though she wants to tell me she would be fine with that, she’d be lying if she did. She would feel very hurt, especially because she told me so far in advanced and planned it to make sure I could be there. To her, it is more important to be there the day of her birthday instead of the surrounding days.
Her compromise was that I fly out Fri-Sat to see all of my high school friends and be close to the festivities, but leave to come back for her birthday. I think it would be very disrespectful to leave the day of the wedding and that I’m better off not going all. Also, while I would love to see all my friends in one place (that only happens every 3-5 years now), the wedding ceremony & celebration is the priority.
So we are at an impasse. The ball is in my court and I am so conflicted on what to do. I feel like either way, I will permanently damage a relationship that is important to me. Part of me feels like a wedding should be prioritized over a birthday in almost all cases. Conversely, I do not know the groom, and have not seen the bride in 4-5 years. If I do skip the wedding, I’m having the hardest time seeing how I could be honest about the reason why — “I can’t come to your wedding because it’s my girlfriend’s birthday” does not seem like it would go over well…
Since I have been in my head about this for a few days, I would love to hear some different perspectives on the situation.
**tldr: Girlfriend’s birthday is very important to her. She planned it well in advance to make sure I could attend and I later remembered I had a wedding save-the-date for a high school friend that I was very close with but do not see much anymore. I do not know what to do.**
Edit: I forgot to mention the weekends surrounding her birthday weekend are booked up, so we cannot switch to another weekend.
Edit 2: Thanks for the responses everyone. Unfortunately it looks like the only thing the group agrees on is that I’m an idiot who needs to use a calendar responsibly (agreed). If nothing else I guess the split in opinion here gives some justification to the horrible cognitive dissonance I’m experiencing.
26 comments
Your GF is right. She made sure you had plenty of notice, and you need to follow through.
Lots of people come before or after a wedding. It’s not realistic to expect everyone to be available day of. It’s your choice on whether to fly out for the days before or not, but your GF would absolutely be valid to be hurt by you ditching her for her birthday.
Go to your friends wedding. Celebrate her birthday with her the days before. She can either find that acceptable (which it is) or not.
What happens if you have a work commitment that falls on her birthday? You’re telling me a grown woman is going to sulk because you can’t be there on the exact *day* of her birthday? How self-centered is this woman?
>I feel like either way, I will permanently damage a relationship that is important to me
If your relationship with your friend was that important, why don’t you know the man she’s marrying and why haven’t you seen her in nearly half a decade?
>She told me about this 5 months in advance to make sure I was available
What kind of activities, like an out of town trip?
>I offered to be present for Friday & Saturday of her birthday weekend
What is the activity on Sunday?
. I mean she is not 12 year old I don’t see why she doesn’t understand a wedding is kind of a compromise situation. I guess it depends what she has planned.
The wedding is on a Sunday?
Were you not invited with a +1?
An adult who cares that much about her birthday?
Dude….You’re friends wedding is a once in a life time thing, Literally. You’re gfs birthday is every damn year and whats the issue with rescheduling? She should understand for you without hesitation. This shouldn’t even be a issue and this situation isn’t your typical one. If my gf told me this I’d tell her to go and we can do something the next time she’s free.
How is remembering your gfs birthday is in 6 weeks being forgetful? How big is the birthday supposed to be?
I’d go to the wedding if it’s a close friend. I think your compromise was very fair. Weddings don’t happen every year and your girlfriend should really understand that. Pretty selfish of her frankly and definitely a red flag for me. Things are going to come up on her birthday in the future, so she needs to grow up a bit. This sounds like the behavior of child who always gets everything they want.
Yeah it sucks but this is where you going to have to say the friend and Friend’s wedding is more important to you to maintain that relationship.
If that means it’s a deal breaker for her then that’s what it ends up being
.
She has a birthday every year. Your friend only (hopefully) gets married once.
Well, you’re between a rock and a hard place. I’ve actually been in a similar situation so I speak from experience. Whomever you decide to ditch is going to leave your life so decide which of the two you can live without. It’s that simple, it sucks, but that’s what is going to happen. Use this as a learning experience and don’t make the same mistake later in life. In my instance, I didn’t go to the wedding. I’m still friends with the couple but we’ve never been as close and I get it. It’s of my own making. Best of luck.
I was a bridesmaid for my best friends wedding on my birthday ! But I know of a lot of people who get married on my bday (who doesn’t love a May wedding lol). So me and my husband planned for us to celebrate the day after since we were already in Lake Tahoe , and we had a blast it one of the best birthdays I’ve had !
Relationships are about compromise. Your gf is refusing to compromise with you and instead has taken a “scorched Earth policy” regarding her birthday. It’s clear she has some deep psychological connections about being undeniably selfish and ridiculously over the top about her birthday, but to be honest, that’s her issue. Not yours. You didn’t sign up to coddle her insecurities. The actual day of the birth is not super relevant. What’s relevant is that you’re not just ditching her. You’re trying to find a middle ground but her past trauma of sorts around her actual day of birth won’t allow it. It’s so damn selfish and so self-absorbed, beyond a normal response. Three days for a birthday?
Go to the wedding. No one can seriously expect their partner to be reminded of a birthday 5 month in advance? I mean, toddlers or teens don’t even do this. That’s just not normal or practical.
Op, she’s showing you how selfish and over the top she can be, while refusing to find a middle ground. Serious red flag. Bc if you can’t compromise – it’s her way or the highway – this relationship is absolutely finished before it began.
IMO, she’s a bit childish to sulk about that. It would be a bit disappointed but you can celebrate juste with her another day.
I can see it both ways honestly. If this was an active close friendship I’d completely side with you on going to the wedding and just celebrating her for her bday the Friday and Saturday. It’s doesn’t have to be the day of. But I think the fact that she planned the weekend 5 months in advance and how important this bday for whatever reason is to her, I support her disappointment that you’re going to an old distant friends wedding instead on her bday. I would honestly just be cool about it but I definitely wouldn’t feel that what’s important to me is being prioritized by my partner.
At this point it’s not about what’s right or more important but who’d you rather disappoint. Good luck OP!
This is ridiculous. It’s a birthday party for a 26 year old. She’s not going to be alone on Sunday, crying in a corner. She’s going to be on a boat with all her other friends. And she’s made the birthday party into a multi-day event.
A reasonable, compassionate partner would say “Oh, it sucks you can’t be there, but *of course* you need to go to your friend’s wedding. Maybe we can have a little dinner with just the two of us when you get back.”
The whole thing about her not getting to really celebrate her birthdays by herself as a kid is spoiled and entitled. So many people didn’t even get birthday parties, and they’re not walking around as adults insisting they’re now emotionally wounded and need to have big birthday bashes to make up for their childhood lack of them.
There are a few users here saying your girlfriend is right and her birthday is so important and you don’t even talk to that friend much anymore. Those people clearly put a lot of emphasis on their own birthdays and are projecting. Even if you don’t spend every weekend on the phone with this friend, she still means something to you, and she invited you to be there with her on her *wedding day*.
Girlfriend needs to put herself in other peoples’ shoes and not just think about herself and what *she* wants. She’s a grown woman. We all have birthdays every year.
I think there’s two ways to look at it.
You can either celebrate the wedding and do something for your girlfriend later and make it special.
Your girlfriend also did ask you first so you can just celebrate with her and celebrate your friends after their wedding.
In hindsight I think your compromise made more sense. Your girlfriend’s birthday can always be celebrated, and this wedding can only be done once. I’d go to the wedding with her and celebrate with her after. It’s not as if you’re putting them first, moreso just trying to make sure everyone wins.
It’s a birthday. Dude. She’s gonna have one every year, and she expects this level of celebration? This is really not normal. You are planning a “birthday celebration” this far out? Have you started planning next year’s? I can’t imagine this much stress over a birthday. Wedding: if you’re lucky, it’s once in your lifetime. Birthday: you’ll have to kiss her butt every year!
What time is the wedding on Sunday? It will cost you some money but purchase a flight to leave as soon as the wedding ceremony is over. Hop back on the plane and spend the rest of the evening with your gf.
I think it is okay for your girlfriend to be disappointed that you will miss her actual birthday but it is not okay that she is asking you to choose between her birthday and the wedding. Birthday celebrations can be moved but weddings cannot. What did she have planned that cannot be moved to Friday or Saturday?
She is 26 years old, she is not a child. Birthdays are fun but she should have learned a loooooong time ago that having a birthday does not make you queen for a day. Everyone has them.
Go celebrate your friend and think twice about yoking your life to someone so childish.
Weddings > birthdays
It sucks the schedule got screwed up. But that’s life. Shit happens. All you can do is apologize for messing up. Don’t let it happen again. Get her a wonderful bday gift and ask to celebrate later. And then go to the wedding.
She’ll either be a rational adult, be annoyed and disappointed but move on because it’s not THAT big of a deal. Or she’ll dump you.
This happened when I was first dating my fiancé – I had tickets to go to a football game and last minute he realized he had plans to be out of town. I was super annoyed because I pulled strings to go but I got over it because that’s life man! We make mistakes sometimes. It’s not the end of the world.
Okay so a gf of 8 months trumps a long time friend? Your friend will hopefully only get married the once and your gf has a birthday every year.
I would be upset if I were your gf but I would also be understanding.
If she does this to you every year I feel sorry for you. What happens if something important pops up on her birthday like an emergency that will keep you apart will she have an issue then?
Sounds immature on her part. It’s not even a big milestone birthday. Someone who is understanding would give you the option to make it up on a different day. She’s 26 not 5, she has to realize her actual birthday is not that important.
Dude. She turns 27 (who cares), wants to celebrate for THREE FULL DAYS and you guys haven’t even dated a full year. And – she’s not satisfied with the offer of celebrating two of the days.
Do not indulge this, you’ll resent her. I’m annoyed just hearing about it.
Go to the wedding.