My husband and I were on and off for over 6 years before getting pregnant with our son and getting married. We’ve been married for 2 years now. During our on and off years, I was always there for him through his hard times. My husband has always had a very difficult life. So these hard times included, supporting him through school, helping him graduate, taking care of his dying father and some trouble with the law. I love this man unconditionally and would honestly do anything for him. Every time we broke things off, I found that I could never feel the same way about another man. And I know that he knows nobody loves him as much as I do. But he claims now that he always loved me but he says he loved someone in his past more than he loves me. He feels like he was forced into marriage because of the baby. Ever since we got married he has been an amazing hands on dad, we go out on date nights all the time, we still talk all the time, we roasts each other and laugh together almost every single day and we have sex all the time. We don’t have any huge fundamental problems in our marriage. He feels now that it is unfair for him to hold me back from receiving the kind of love I deserve and he doesn’t want to expand our family as he is afraid of the collateral damage of his uneasy feelings. I’m devastated and I don’t want to break my family apart but as the same time, I don’t wanna limit myself from possibly receiving the kind of love I deserve. Not sure what I should do.
37 comments
Thanks for sharing your experience, sounds like a difficult situation to be in. I believe in this saying that god only puts you in a situation because youre strong enough to live through it, I suggest both of you to go for couples therapy and in the meantime to work on yourselves. Tbh I just want to see the other two responses hence I’m replying this lol
He maybe felt pressured to marry you when you became pregnant and as he realized how you much you love him, he married you. It sucks donkey balls, but this sounds like it.
Hal and Lois from Malcolm in the middle. Love ebbs and flows. Ask him to watch this. Is he happy? Is he content? Or is this a question of what might have been with another relationship?
https://youtu.be/C3ouolMALIM
It’s a variation of “it’s not you, it’s me”.
Don’t DTMFA but couples therapy would be best.
You deserve love. I’m worried this man doesn’t have the distinctions levelled out between those highs of infatuation and the real life slog of true love. He says he loves you. You didn’t force him to marry, that was his choice.
You leveled him up and he doesn’t need you anymore. I am sorry you were used like that.
That’s a dick move wtf
This would be a gaslight. Your hubby is not the man you make him out to be. If he is saying this it’s because he has an agenda (a personal one) which is probably to go out and have fun without the obligations of a marriage.
What the hell is his problem? He has a loving wife and a beautiful son and there are no fundamental problems with the marriage. He’s even having as much sex as he wants which would make many husbands envy. Seems like he wants to leave with the tired old line, “it’s not you, it’s me.” He can’t appreciate what he has and the grass looks greener outside but that is only in his imagination. If he wants to leave you can’t stop him but he will regret his foolish, immature decision. Keep your hopes up and you will one day meet the man who truly appreciates you. He will end up regretful, alone and desperately wishing he could get back with you when it is no longer possible.
He doesn’t love you he just selfishly used you because he knew you loved him
He wants to find someone he loves as much as the other person or maybe get back with them he doesn’t like you he wants them at least he’s honest about it
You should move on and have self respect and find someone who actually wants you like he’s pushing into you
Do t love anyone but your kids unconditionally. There should be conditions to your love. If someone expects to be loved unconditionally ask what they expect to put you through. I’d say years of push and pull is a lot to put someone through. Leaving while you still care about him might make coparenting less hateful/hate fueled.
Best wishes with the new baby!
Question: do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?
Sounds like someone in his past just became available so he now he wants to break free.
On and off relationships never work out. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be much room for interpretation with this one. He has clearly told you how he feels, not how he “claims” to feel. You both deserve to live your best lives; so does your child. Sounds like it’s best to coparent and move on as amicably as possible.
This is painful to read, but you deserve someone who loves you sooo fucking much it hurts.
If this can’t come from another person then you will learn to love yourself and your child that much solo.
Letting go is painful and hard.
If you do not let go, you cannot make space for what YOU ACTUALLY DESERVE AND ARE WORTH
sounds like the baby was the reason you got married. now that he got through the tough times he wants to let go of a marriage he never wanted. let him go
>So these hard times included, supporting him through school, helping him graduate, taking care of his dying father and some trouble with the law
honestly sounds like he feels guilty, can you explain his actions in an example of a time you needed help? or are you always “i’m fine, let me help you!” i’m wondering if this is coming up due to asymmetrical vulnerability.
He told you he doesn’t love you as much as you love him.
The things you mentioned were only things you did for him, nothing about the the things he did for you which would proven his love for you. This indicates that he is right … this indeed sounds like it was more of an one sided relationship on your part.
He said that he felt forced to marry you bc of the baby and doesn’t want to be with you any longer.
Your husband is right. He doesn’t love you and you deserve someone who loves you and wants to stay with you, not bc he is forced to do it but bc he wants to.
Your husband has the simple case of “the grass is greener on the other side”. He is seeking that intense love he once felt … whatever it’s with that person from his past or with someone new. He makes it sound as of he is looking out for your wellbeing (and this makes it harder for you to let go), but reality is that this just his way to reject you without feeling too guilty about it.
Will he try couple’s therapy?
When you two part company, consider stepping completely away from him; unlike your approach in the past. He pretty much believes you love him so much that he can walk away and still have the benefit of your support. Let him experience life without you being there at all. As for you ever loving someone else the way you do him, you won’t really know that as long as you stay connected to him in hopes of winning his back. You can’t make somebody love you.
Learning to do without him completely work ok be really hard but will get easier in time if you decide you need to get on with your life.
Dude’s cheating.
I mean, okay, but he really should not be deciding this for you. If HE’S uncomfortable in the relationship, then he can take the blame, but he doesn’t get to unilaterally make the decision of divorcing you, and gets to feel like the good guy for “saving” you from himself.
Girl, tell him he can go eat dick, if he divorces you, it will not be for your own good but for himself, and the least he can do is stop spinning the narrative as if he’s doing you any favors.
Might be time he gets some therapy.
If you’re always in a state of high alert due to trauma from the past it’s very hard and unsettling when life finally goes smoothly.
It’s hard to adapt to and might explain why your husband is reacting like this so suddenly. He might be afraid to lose you, and anxiety is making him lash out.
I’d recommend therapy for him, and for you both as a couple.
people recommending couples therapy but that won’t teach your husband to love you. You should cut your losses and move on with your baby
I’m sorry that you have given so much of yourself to someone that is beneath you. When he tells you about himself, believe it. Don’t think that you can change him. He doesn’t want to as he does not have the levels of love, respect, and compassion as you. Love your child and workout the best co-parenting arrangement you can
Read between the lines of what he is saying –
he is telling you that he doesn’t want this relationship and commitment anymore. He wants out, give him that please.
This too good for me is a bs reason he’s giving you to let you down gently.
I dont deserve a Maserati, but would I through it away if someone gave me one? Hell naw.
Never get married for your kid. It’ll just make the divorce and custody battles more difficult. You deserve better.
First I want to say, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I literally wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I also know what it feels like to love someone so much and they don’t want to be with you. No matter how hard you try to save this relationship, it wont work because he doesn’t want to put his effort in fixing and working together. I’m so sorry. I wish I could hug you. Don’t put yourself through this anymore, he doesn’t want to. Leave him. Leave the relationship on good terms and if he really loves you he will come back. If not, you will find someone who will. He will regret what he is doing, I promise. Give him his time alone, but let him know that you will not wait forever. You should not stop your life and wait for him if he can’t give you the same thing that you want. Your son also deserves to live in an home where both parents love each other to death. you deserve more. I know you love him, and I know this is going to kill you at first, but you need to let him go for now. He will realize what he is losing.
Been on the husbands side…
Sometimes that really is the hardest truth to tell someone on both ends. Was with my fiancé for 2 years, after the second year when my daughter was around 10 months I just realized I would never be able to love him the way that he loved me. I didn’t have that in me. I loved his company, his personality, but there was just something missing that left me thinking “I have more love to give, but I can’t give more love to him”.
We parted ways, have a great friendship and coparent very nicely.
he doesn’t “claim” to love you less. he told you. it doesn’t matter how much you’ve done for him, how happy you are with him as a husband or father – he’s telling you he does not want to be with you. please, please, please don’t “accidentally” get pregnant to try to change this.
marital counseling is a good idea, but understand sometimes couples go to marital counseling and confirm they need to divorce…
Aside from the comment, it seems like your marriage is healthier than most. It also seems that your husband would benefit from a little therapy to deal with his insecurities.
Unfortunately it sounds like you got married for all the wrong reasons, OP.
“We were on and off for over 6 years before getting pregnant with our son and getting married.”
You need to look back and consider WHY you were on and off for 6 years.
What were the situations behind it? It sounds like you two are more incompatible than you think you are.
Not to mention, it sounds like he only married you because you got pregnant. Not because he loved you. Not because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. But because it was “the right thing to do”
If you ask me the right thing to do would be to have spared you this heart ache.
You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them. Sometimes love isn’t enough, compatibility, and work are what it takes for a marriage. And it seems like your marriage doesn’t have any (based off this post alone)
I wish you luck, and even if it feels like your world is falling apart now, I promise you it’ll be okay.
Listen to what he’s telling you: he doesn’t love you enough and you can do better.
No fundamental problems in your marriage other than him not really feeling it and being with you out of a sense of obligation, you mean.
Let him go. He’s used you as his emotional support pillow but wants more when he is content. He can go but don’t ever let him come back. He’ll regret it, you won’t. You deserve so much more
Couples therapy.
It will make clear if he wants out just because he feels he can’t provide the same love (maybe he feels guilty that he hasn’t been there for you in the same ways you have, etc) or if he genuinely feels trapped and doesn’t want to be with you
He could be questioning himself and struggling with the realities of married life OR he could be out and finally “admitting” he doesn’t want this marriage at all – either way couples therapy will make the answer clear and help you both more forward
Love is a verb. Love is doing. Love is action. Not a feeling. This man is a coward, making it seem like it’s for his benefit when really he is either scared of the mundaness of stability or wants to feel free to thrill seek I am sorry that you have been hurt so much by the one you love OP. I wish you the least pain as possible in your journey. You deserve someone who is willing to love you through actions and whether your husband will get therapy and prove through action that he is now worthy of you love or if eventually you will move on to someone else is yet to be seen. You have no control of what he does only yourself. You can suggest to him as others have said that because he has had a difficult life, he is maybe seeking to recreate that and perhaps therapy will help. But if he’s not open to trying and exploring this then unfortunately you have to surrender control of this situation (which is really blooming difficult). I am sorry again xx