Hello.. so my (32m) mother died of cancer. She suffered for a good few years and was riding through the battle for a long time – we all knew she was going to die soon. She died in June 2023. I was very close to her, she attended all of my best moments and I loved her dearly. However, I concealed my feelings and put on a ‘tough man’ action and just got on with my life.
I have been with my girlfriend for two years, she is loving, wild and a very successful social butterfly. I She loves travelling and always decides to do things abroad for birthdays. I am also successful but am much more introverted than her – our balance works. My girlfriend’s (26f) birthday clashed with my mother’s death. She passed on 20th June and my girlfriend’s 27th birthday was on 22nd June. My girlfriend booked a group trip in advance before this happened (myself included). My girlfriend went and celebrated her birthday whilst I was grieving and I couldn’t make it. I love my girlfriend so very much and am willing to make it work, so I guess I got by. I also prioritise her very much. I still feel upset at this – can this relationship work long term? I’m also disheartened at the clash of her birthday and my mother’s passing.
TLDR: Can this relationship survive? I love her so much and I am obsessed with her but I feel conflicted at her actions seeing as she hasn’t done much to support me.
30 comments
I couldn’t do it. I need someone there for the bad times too, even if plans were made. Don’t think I could ever move past being abandoned in a time of need.
Did you communicate that you would have preferred her to stay? It’s a tough pill to swallow but our partners aren’t responsible for our feelings. If you didn’t say anything how can you expect her to know. Death is a very touchy subject, I myself am not good on consoling so I am up front and let people know that obviously I feel for them but I’m the friend you come to to get your mind off it not sit and grieve with.
that’s tough. If she dipped while you were grieving, especially after losing your mom, it’s a red flag. You gotta ask yourself if she’s really got your back when it matters most. Love’s cool, but support during the hard times is key. Can y’all make it? Maybe, but you gotta have a real talk about priorities
Absolutely not. She should have prioritized you over a trip. Does it suck that plans were made in advance? Yes. Does it also suck that it lined up with her birthday? Also, yes. However, supporting your partner is more important in an extreme time of need like this.
I’d NEVER do that to someone I love. Your MOTHER died. And she left you when you were most vulnerable. What a selfish person. Losing a parent is literally one of the WORST things someone can go through.
I could not see myself ever forgiving someone for this. She basically showed you that she won’t show up for you when you need her, if she has plans already made. This is not someone I could stay with long term and plan a life with.
If she is what you described, sitting down and chatting sounds reasonable. Maybe she thought her bubbly personality wasn’t what you needed while grieving.
I think you should talk to her. Does she know the volume of your grief, or has your “tough man” act convinced her?
I’m interested to know if you told her “no, go, don’t worry about me! I’m fine!” and she thought ok, he says he’s fine, and went on her trip? Did she feel bad letting her friends down and in a no win position here? Did she call, videophone, text you every day to check in on you? Did you ask her to stay? If you wanted any of these things, did you communicate it? Has she been otherwise supportive?
The clash of the two life events is no one’s fault. I really feel therapy would help you explore your feelings and your grief, and help you communicate your needs in a way that truly helps you rather than bottling up.
I’m so sorry for your painful loss. May your mother’s memory be a blessing.
Well I don’t know her as a person but it’s reasonable to think that she may have thought the trip would help you feel better!?
You should talk to her because I think if you’re with someone you can’t tell anything to then it’s not worth it.
In an ideal world of love & relationships, she should be by your side and no, nothing can justify this act of her’s. If a person I’m in love with is heartbroken & grieving the loss of his mother, I would never think of going on a vacation & partying. This woman seems to lack empathy & compassion, anything long-term will be ruining your peace & mental health. You can choose better.
If one day you will be sick to death the day of her birthday you already know what will he her choice? You already have your answer?
You will suffer in hospital dying while she will enjoy herself abroad butterflying。Don’t wait this day
I’m sorry for your loss. This is a tough one – I think you’re allowed to feel however you feel and a conversation about it with her might be helpful to keep yourself from continuing to harbor negative feelings about her lack of presence during that time. Has she shown you support in other ways since the passing of your mom? Have you spoken with your gf about how she could be showing you support? It’s been over a year since her passing – has she been there for other important times? The first set of holidays without your mom, your mom’s birthday, the anniversary of her passing, etc.
I see everyone asking if you communicated with her but I’m going to say that in a loving relationship this should be a given. You shouldn’t have to ask for your partner to support you through the loss of a parent, it should be instinct.
Me personally, I would never be able to enjoy myself knowing my partner is going through that kind of emotional turmoil.
I’m not saying she’s a bad girlfriend/person, but she certainly isn’t very empathetic or sympathetic.
I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you are in a place of peace.
What did she say when you told her this?
I guess it does depend on whether you told her to go. If you said to go anyway, I can’t empathize because you would have encouraged it. If you did not explicitly state that she should still go, I don’t think she is a loving partner and you may want to rethink the relationship. You didn’t have a cold, your Mom died. If my Husband’s Mom passed away there is no part of me that could possibly leave him to go on vacation. He would need me. And he wouldn’t have to ask.
Your mother died June 2023- have you been upset about this for over a year without saying anything to your girlfriend? Feel like this is indicative of more problems in your relationship- especially resentment.
The problem with answering this question is that it really depends on how the person grieves. Everyone grieves very differently. And tbh, communication here is super important. When my grandmother passed away, I wanted to be alone. I wanted to grieve in peace. I am someone that needs that space when it comes to grieving. That being said, I do appreciate my partner consoling me and comforting me, hugging me, etc. He asked me if I wanted him to take work off and be with me for the day, etc. I told him no and he went to work and I cried all day.
And on that note, if my partner ever had to mourn a loss, I’d have to ask him what he wants because I’m not good at grieving and being sad with others. I am the type to try and brighten your mood, suggest going to get some yummy food or do something to take your mind off. I simply think it’s too much stress on the body to just grieve 24/7 so I would be like your gf and suggest going somewhere to at the least, be less depressed for a few days. You will mourn for a long time, but your mom would’ve wanted you to try and live your life as best as you can. Your mom wouldn’t want you to be sad.
But everyone is different. I am sorry for your loss OP. Try to have this convo with your gf and let her know how you feel. Either she will be apologetic and understanding or she will let you know she’s not the one.
This shit is messed up, ngl. Imagine abandoning your partner who lost their mother just to party it up. That seems horrid tbf.
I probably have a different take on this than most, but I watched my mom die slowly from cancer, and a few other people close to me as well. If your mom had been declining for years, you’ve likely been grieving for years, and at that point, it still hurts to lose them, but at least they aren’t suffering anymore, and it’s a tiny bit of relief.
While I think it would be inappropriate to leave if you needed help with arrangements, or if she missed the funeral/service, I don’t think it would be wrong to go on the trip otherwise.
Everyone keeps saying that she should just know, but on some level you have to take people at their word. Saying you’re fine repeatedly and then deciding you aren’t and they should have known? That doesn’t feel like healthy communication.
I dont get it. Did she die last year and she went on the trip on the anniversary? Or what exactly
If you act that things are not a big deal, you should not be surpriced people think they are not….
It depends on what the communication was between the two of you and what you exactly meant by tough guy act.
Under normal circumstances she should’ve stayed with you. But if you at some point told her to go. Even if it is weird that she would ask if she could go. Then some of the blame lies with you.
Everyone expresses grief differently. But the tough guy act could’ve been interpreted as you not caring that your mom died. So why should she? Does she know you well enough to know better? (2 years is a different milestone for different couples, it is not the same for everyone).
I’m sorry for your loss. And I cant imagine the pain you are going through. It’s maybe best that you have had enough time to process the grief before making decisions that could impact your mental health negatively.
No one in a serious relationship leaves their partner to celebrate their birthday a couple days after a loss like that. There is no excuse unless you specifically pushed her to go on the trip.
It never fails to amaze me how many people would just let their significant other do something like this without it being a hard line in the sand. Like, what advice do you need?….Your girl bailed on you immediately after your mother’s death. That’s ridiculous. She can cancel and plan another trip later when things settle down.
I’ll give you some context. My grandfather died recently a few days before my wife and I had a big trip planned. She called me to tell me the news while I was at work, she told me our trip is canceled and she booked our flights cross country to be with my family instead. She packed everything. I did nothing but go home and get on the airplane. We do things like this for each other all the time. You understand snd take care of each other. That’s the type of partner you are looking for.
Sorry for the loss of your mother. My condolences go out to you and your family.
When you say “I concealed my feelings and put on a ‘tough man’ act* and just got on with my life,” and then proceeded on with the rest of the info you shared, to me that reads “I hid how I felt and acted like it didn’t bother me. I knew my feelings, I knew what I wanted of my girlfriend during this time, and I knew exactly what she could do to support me. Instead of telling her how I actually felt, and telling her exactly what she could do to support me, I told her to go ahead with her trip and have a good time all while expecting her to read my mind and figure out what I want (I’m reading between the lines and assuming you told her to go ahead and enjoy herself).”
You say she hasn’t done much to support you.. I counter that by saying: she has done exactly what she believed would support you. Going out, living her life and having a good time. If you told her to go ahead with the trip and you chose not to tell her that you needed her and her support, she literally did exactly what she thought would be supportive of you.
You also ask if this relationship is going to survive and solely put that on her choices/actions. I counter that by saying: Will this relationship survive with you being emotionally unavailable? Will this relationship survive if you continue choosing to put on an act and not talk about how you really feel or your needs? Will this relationship survive if you know what you want and you choose not to tell your girlfriend and instead just hope that she can read your mind and get upset when she can’t?
This isn’t on your girlfriend. You need to be open and honest. I’m also going out on a limb here and saying perhaps this isn’t the first instance where you have put on a tough man act..
Speaking from personal experience, when my boyfriend’s great grandmother died (she was always like a second mom to him & he lost his mother and grandma very early in life) I asked what he needed to do for support. He told me he needed time alone & space. I pressed and pressed because I thought “what if he actually needs me to be here and support him and he’s just acting like he doesn’t. What if he really wants me to be spending a lot of time with him and helping him grieve.” So you know what I did? I did what I assumed he wanted me to do, even though he told me he needed alone time and space. You know where that got me? We almost broke up because he 100% meant what he said. There wasn’t any reading between the lines or assumptions I needed to come up with. The man was grieving and I should’ve taken what he said literally when he told me what he needed. At that moment I realized even more than ever that I need to go by what people say. We are adults. If I communicate what I need by telling someone what I need, I need to trust that other people are mature enough to do the same thing.
I’d suggest doing some inner work on why you feel you have to put on this tough man act, and why you can’t communicate certain things with your partner (and reflect on if you can communicate what you hid from your partner with anyone & if so, why or why not?). This isn’t about your partner in the grand scheme of things. If you don’t work through this, it’ll be another friend, partner, or family member that you feel this way about.
I hope that if you had instead chose to communicate to your girlfriend what you needed for support that she would’ve proceeded accordingly. But if she did what you told her to do and went on her trip (if you told her to go ahead) then she did what she thought was best per your words.
My first thought was that if the girlfriend has been with him through the whole cancer diagnosis and treatment and death then she is probably absolutely overwhelmed and has supported him through that. And good for her for being there for him. But everybody grieves in a different way and a lot of time by the time someone passes you have been through that emotional road coaster ride of grief. There’s nothing wrong with her taking some time for herself.
I’m going to be honest. If I were in OP’s shoes, she would be my EX girlfriend.
It doesn’t matter what face you present to the public. People instinctively know when someone is suffering and she should not need to be told of the importance of her staying with you.
She could have easily postponed the trip and you both could have enjoyed it together at a later date. She basically said, “You ok? Ok cool. See you!”
If she can’t be with you in your darkest hour, you don’t need her when you are in happier times.
When my fiancé’s dad passed away I took a day off to stay with him and he asked me “what you stayed home for, you should go to work, you don’t need to be here” mind you I took care of the funeral arrangements. I will never forget this entire ordeal, I even considered breaking off the relationship at one point because of how he behaved and how his family behaved. I wish I could’ve gone on a vacation 🙁
You can’t carry around this resentment any longer. Please tell her how it made you feel. I wouldn’t have done what she did, but some people are just self centred. If you want somebody who is emotially in sync with you it might be time to find somebody else.
So she shouldve just postponed her hobbies/outgoings for years because you didnt know when is gonna be your mom’s last day? I think you should look past it, ofcourse its tough to grieve alone but she booked birthday outgoing beforehand and you knew about it.
Tough situation, did she ask you if it was okay for her to go? My partners dog died the day I was going on a big trip, I was prepared to cancel it but he insisted I’d go. Parents are different but was she considerate enough to ask and see if you needed her support?
When my mom died of lung cancer my gf had plans with her friends that night. I encouraged her to go out with them but she was too sad to.
I wouldn’t of been mad or upset if she did is my point.
My condolensces for the lost of your mother. However, you “put on a tough guy act”, pretend everything is fine, don’t tell your girlfriend how you’ve ACTUALLY felt for the last year, and then are surprised when she goes on to do things and “doesn’t support you” when you haven’t even talked to her about how you’re still grieving your mother?? This is a you problem, don’t be surprised that she’s “not supporting you” (which she would if you became emotionally available) if you’re not communicating what you want. She can’t read your mind, man