Just to preface, I’m new to Reddit as of a couple weeks ago. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this and the final option I could think of was to create an account and lurk around while trying to find any situations that might be similar to mine. But I can’t seem to find anything so I’m breaking down and making a post. Sorry if formatting is weird since I’m on mobile, and sorry if it’s a hella long post.
I (29M) have a serious gf (28F) of a little over a year, who I’ll refer to as J. We have a lot of mutual friends and generally share the same friend group, which is how we met, so I don’t want to risk going to any of my friends about this. Not that I think they’d have any idea what to tell me anyway, and I’m afraid they’d start to see her or treat her differently.
Anyway, we’ve gotten really serious over the last 6 months or so, to the point that we’ve been looking into apartments and even picked out a couple of options. My current lease ends next month and hers will be up in November so it’s kind of perfect timing. We both have decent jobs and make comparable money, agreed to go 50/50 on all costs for the foreseeable future, all that good adult stuff. I’ve been really really excited to start this new chapter with her. I even started casually looking at rings a couple months ago because honestly, I feel like she is the one for me. She’s smart, beautiful, funny, loved by nearly everyone she meets, and just overall the best person I’ve ever met, let alone dated.
Now, onto the issue… about two weeks ago, I was spending the weekend at her place. We usually alternate weekends at one another’s apartment and sometimes spend weeknights together. I ended up catching some kind of stomach bug or something on Sunday and took a sick day off work on Monday. J invited me to stay at her apartment until at least Monday night since I still wasn’t feeling well enough to drive back home, and she was really sweet about it and offered to take care of me, make me soup, all that good stuff. She works 10-6 on Mondays so I was in the apartment alone during that time. I mostly slept and spent time in the bathroom. But at one point, I didn’t make it to the toilet in time and made a pretty gross mess on her bathroom floor. I really didn’t want to leave it for her to deal with so I called to ask if she had any extra towels she didn’t really care about that I could use to clean up the mess. She didn’t answer because she was busy at work and not near her phone, so I went digging through her linen closet, looking behind all the really good towels and blankets to find the rattier and stained ones. They ended up being on the top shelf and I was weak and frustrated so when I pulled them down, a couple other things that were stuffed away up there came falling down, including a shoebox I’d never seen before. I really don’t like going through her things when she’s not around because we respect each other’s privacy and I completely trust her. But as I was cleaning up what I’d spilled, I happened to notice something odd and I just couldn’t help but be a little nosy. It was an envelope addressed to her, and the return address was a prison in another state. As I looked at the other stuff in the shoebox, I found way more envelopes just like it, as well as some drawings. I’ll admit, in a moment of weakness, I could not help myself. I had to see what was going on.
This is where I feel the need to explain that I found it so odd because she has told me everything about her past, her family, her childhood. I could name every pet she’s ever had and I’ve met her parents, both of her siblings, and quite a few of her cousins, aunts, and uncles. And not once has anyone, least of all her, told me about knowing anyone in prison, let alone communicating with them.
So as it turns out, these letters dated back way before we ever started dating, and the most recent was from about 3 months ago. Obviously I didn’t see the ones she sent, but the ones she received were very… affectionate? For lack of a better term. Like something long-distance lovers would write to each other. I know J has a big interest in true crime and listens to a lot of podcasts, watches a lot of documentaries, all that stuff. Nothing really unusual since it seems like a ton of women are really into true crime these days. But I recognized this guy’s name pretty quickly and knowing what he did and finding out my gf, who I adore and love so deeply, actually talks to him this way is really fucking with my head. I won’t name the guy specifically in case that violates some kind of rule on here, but let’s just say his case was huge and fairly recent, like within the last 5 years, and he very brutally killed his pregnant wife and 2 kids. He even confessed, for fuck’s sake.
I ended up reading through about 3 or 4 of the letters until they literally made me sick (the stomach bug didn’t help with that but even now, I feel nauseous just thinking about it). Then I put everything back just the way I’d found it, cleaned up my mess in the bathroom, and drove myself home. I texted her and made up an excuse that I was feeling better enough to get myself home and that I just wanted to sleep in my own bed so I could return to work as usual the next day. But honestly, I could hardly bear to look at her afterwards. Since then, we’ve spent a few days together, but I’ve made up excuses as to why I’ve been too busy to spend much time with her. In all honesty, I really want to talk to her about this, but I’m afraid she’ll lie or… idk I’m even more afraid I guess that she’ll just tell me the truth and expect me to be okay with it??
I still love her. Deeply. I miss her every hour of every day and I’ve been sleeping like shit and super distracted throughout the day trying to figure out how to handle this. I can’t talk to anyone about it. I really really do NOT want to just end the relationship over this. I genuinely see a future with this woman, I love her with all my heart and idk that I will ever find anyone else I care about this much. But how do I move past this? Is there a part of it I’m not considering?
I know most of you will probably say “just talk to her.” And I know that’s logically the best plan, but at the same time, what if she confesses to being in love with a sick fucking murderer? This dude killed his entire family in cold blood, how could she even entertain the idea of writing to him, let alone THOSE kinds of letters? Maybe it’s just a morbid curiosity on her part? And if I do just talk to her about it, what do I say? How do I even approach the subject?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. And before any of the paranoid people pop in: no, I do not think she has been or would ever cheat on me. Idk if I even consider this cheating since it’s just letters and they’ll never realistically meet face to face. But just the idea that she would want to correspond with this guy is sickening to me. How do we get past it? Maybe she just needs some serious therapy for some sort of issues she’s never realized she has? Idk I’m truly at a loss here. Thanks for reading.
TL;DR: found out my serious gf who I love and adore and want to spend the rest of my life with is secretly penpals with a convicted murderer, how do I talk to her about this and how do I work past my own discomfort with the entire situation?