To be clear, I’m not talking about a person that moved back in with their parents, I’m talking about those that had their parents move in with them because they required care / couldn’t afford to live on their own.
I (31M) think we all expect at some point there may come a time that our parents have to move in to be taken care, but we assume it would be in our 40’s or 50’s, but that’s not how life always goes. I’m approaching the point where I may need to take my disabled mom in. I make decent money, but I can’t afford her a place of her own or an assisted living arrangement. I feel like my only options right now are:
1. Severely downsize my own living (so I can have enough to make up the CoL gap from her disability payments so she has her own place)
2. Leave her to go into a shelter (not really an option)
3. Have her move in (which feels like the end of my dating life…)
So yeah, anyone who has experience with this type of situation, from either perspective of being the one taking care of a parent, or being the partner, what has your experience been?
4 comments
Becoming a caregiver was one of the most difficult things I’ve experienced as an adult because EVERYTHING changed overnight for me when my mom fell last year. I’m an only child and live 4.5 hours away, but I moved home to stay with her for a couple months and then she moved in with me for a few more while she recuperated. She was always in great health prior to the fall, so I also thought I had at least another decade before I had to worry about something like this happening.
My boyfriend of 2 years at the time checked in regularly via text to ask about her, but never once asked how I was coping with anything or if he could help in any way (despite his vacation home being 5 miles away where he would come to stay frequently). It would have meant so much if he had offered to drop off groceries or run an errand if needed. He did take me out a couple times to get my mind off things, but even that I had to suggest. I wasn’t expecting him to be a mind reader, but literally everyone else would make similar offers when they found out the situation. It became painfully obvious he wasn’t the right one for me during that time. I had offered to help when he had a family emergency, but it wasn’t reciprocated when I was going through one. I broke up with him a few months later when I had the head space to deal with it. At the time, it was too much to think about potentially losing my mom AND losing my relationship with him.
I’m glad now that I ended things. I deserve someone who is empathetic and I realized he was totally lacking in that quality. I’ve dated some other men since then, but nothing long-term. Just hasn’t happened for multiple reasons. They have all been understanding of my situation and seem to respect the choice I made to take on this responsibility, so I do believe there’s hope.
Some people won’t understand your situation and will swipe left. Others with empathy or personal experience will get it. You are wonderful for being willing to step up to the plate. The right person will appreciate that and all the things you have to offer. Dating may have to take a back seat for a while, but it’s not impossible. Wishing you all the best!
I‘m early thirties. My father‘s health deteriorated very quickly. I sold my home and moved in with my parents to help with his care and support my mom. I wasn’t seeing anyone seriously so I didn’t have to manage a relationship. Between the physical and mental stress of the situation and trying to keep up with work, dating was the last thing on my mind. Although my father ultimately passed away, I don’t regret any of the time I spent with my parents in those last months before his death.
I tried OLD about three months after, but I was not in the right headspace to make a connection with anyone new. Now it’s been over six months and I’m in a much better place and have been through tremendous personal growth. Went on a few dates and have somebody I’m talking to. Life is good.
Best of luck with your mom’s situation, OP. It will be difficult, but you won’t regret it.
She is your mom, you should do your best to take care of her like she did for you for most of your life.
It’s a very big commitment to make. Be prepared. I’m a nurse by trade, anyone considering taking on a disabled parent needs to be ready to do so. Unfortunately not everyone gets that opportunity to be prepared. It’s life altering your schedule your dating life etc. not everyone regardless of good intentions are able to mentally and physically handle full time care. If you have other relatives that can relieve you at times will help. If they have a physician that they normally see ask for assistance there maybe assistance available to you. Use your resources local etc. meals on wheels etc.. Its a very big undertaking when you love that parent only want the best for them and realize you may not be able to keep up with the constant care, nothing to be ashamed of but get others involved to help you help them. Good luck OP I wish you and your parent well.