33F here. Been single for 3 years after last 7 year long relationship. I’m finding myself surrounded by quality guy friends who are single, but who don’t take a step further with approaching me. I’ve tried online dating but finding that I need to build trust first. A few nice first dates that didn’t lead to second dates too.
My guy friends say I’m pretty, some do light flirting but because none of them ask me out on a date, I am being paranoid about what’s wrong with me.
Thinking of asking 5 of them for feedback. Honest one, like what do they think is off putting physically / personality wise in me. Or anything else at all. Maybe I’m giving too much of a ‘bro’ vibe or no obvious signs of liking them?
Wonder if you think it’s a good idea or if any of you tried asking opposite sex friends for feedback?
24 comments
You should be able to ask your friends anything. Yes, I think it’s a good idea, if you value their opinions. However, if you’re interested in one of them, what you should really ask is if he wants to go on a date with you. Chances are they won’t ask you because they don’t want to make you uncomfortable, if they’re into you that is.
Can we retire “friend zone” please?
Something that’s worked better for me is looking at the types of men I want to be with… and then the types of women those men are with.
I’ve definitely noticed patterns.
You can ask your guy friends, but they can really only give you advice on how to be with them. Also, do you like any of them specifically or do you just want them to like you?
sounds like you are waiting for others to make the move. And that’s not just the asking for a date, but within your date are you flirting and playing off attraction? seduction requires you to know what you want and be a little forward about it. I would bet that you have some intimacy anxieties and are giving off a vibe of being sexually a bit closed off. Does any of this ring a bell?
Could be any number of reasons, I wouldn’t ask them. Especially for guys I feel like this would come a across extremely awkward. I would ask your girlfriends who also know the guy friends in the group.
Rough truth here:
Overwhelmingly, if you have lots of guy friends and none want to start anything romantic, it is your looks (and usually your weight). Friends telling you that you are attractive is not reliable at all. These are people that don’t want to hurt you. What does your BMI say?
Occasionally it is a personality thing, but people with shit personalities don’t tend to have a lot of friends.
Even rarer it is something else, persistent bad breath, for example.
Sounds like you’re coming from a place where you think something is wrong with you, because of the lack of external validation from your guy friends/dates.
Serious question, are you happy with who you are and where you’re at in life? If so, you shouldn’t need their validation about whether you’re a good person.
Just go for gold. Ask them for advice. I know I’d enjoy having an exchange of perspective with these sorts of things!
Also, if you’re interested, you could ask. I know a fair few guys that wouldn’t want to risk a friendship over dating and having it go wrong.
I don’t necessarily agree with them, but it’s not an illegitimate fear.
this is going to be completely pointless, accomplishing absolutely NOTHING. asking friends to vet you romantically is impossible, and adds nothing of value. why would you ask them to weigh in on your flirting, looks, etc when you have a non-romanatic relationship lol
you need to take risks and put yourself out there by being the one to flirt, and break the physical touch barrier first.. based off the post, you are coming across extremely reserved and cant get out of your shell
I don’t know what to say I am in a similar situation as you and my way to deal with it is getting in better shape
expand my circles and try to meet more people in person as my online dating has been terrible…
And of course my friends say there is nothing wrong with me.
Sounds like your default position is that you kind of expect your guy friends to ask you out and because they haven’t you think there’s something wrong with you…. This seems odd to me, a bizarre way of viewing friendship. I’d feel quite disappointed if my male friends asked me out without any build up or context of us growing closer in that way, it would make me think that’s the only reason we spend time together, when I’m just quite happily enjoying their company as genuine friends. Most of my single male friends are good on paper but I have no desire to date them. There’s just nothing romantic there.
Obviously romance can build out of friendship but that tends to be when there’s a spark which builds, rather than 2 people consciously trying to make something happen because they’re right on paper.
If you genuinely want to date one of them, just ask them out. I wouldn’t ask for feedback – that assumes that the default position is they should want to date you (*and* make the first move, potentially risking a friendship) and there must be specific reason why if they don’t, which is just… weird IMO.
Why not? No reason not to ask this question.
I wouldn’t ask the “what is off-putting”. It may be a fairly difficult conversation, but I wouldnt mind having it. Don’t make it about them. The more you can disconnect the why didn’t we date trpe of thing, the better to get real answers.
Are they the same age as you ? Maybe they want someone younger.
Unless they’re harboring a secret crush, I think the simple truth is that they haven’t asked you out because they don’t want to. Don’t take that as a personal insult or a sign something is wrong with you, it’s just that chemistry is complicated. Most people aren’t compatible with each other. Single men are generally not asking out every single woman they meet.
I think you could ask them for general dating advice, and a true friend will be happy to help. But please don’t ask “why haven’t you asked me out,” that’ll be horribly awkward and unhelpful. At best you’ll learn who your guy friend is looking for. Trying to morph into that person is not a healthy basis for a relationship.
I know for me in my friend group there are a couple girls I’d have wanted to try and date but I always convinced myself if anything were to go wrong in the relationship it would be too awkward to be in the group. So I always chose the group vs making a move.
do you have a crush or any romantic interest in a specific guy or do you just want all your friends to hit on you? i would think a lot of guys might think they are respecting boundaries by not hitting on you and disrespecting the integrity of the friendship.
To approach this from a different angle to most replies here – alot of guys will not try to initiate anything with you even if they are interested. The reasons for this can be various:
– Rejection fatigue, being rejected by someone you share a connection with hurts way more than rejection by a stranger too.
– Social preservation, if this is within a single social group especially they may be trying to avoid “shitting in their own nest”.
– Shy / afraid of coming across as creepy – this dynamic is almost stronger with female friends than with strangers IMO, similar to rejection fatigue.
– May just not be confident enough to approach you (refer to the above)
– They may have generally just checked out of dating altogether, its definitely becoming alot more common among all of my male friends to be this way and that isn’t an isolated case either.
If you are interested in one of them though, why wait for them to do something? You should make the first move if it seems appropriate in the social group(s).
I would find this weird and just give canned responses is asked. Not every friend group has people that date in it, in fact many don’t, so just expecting guys to date you because they are your friends seems assuming. I have been a part of a big friend group since college and there is only one couple that formed through it, and they started dating pretty early. In fact, I find if kind of weird when groups have a ton of people that have dated/hooked up with each other. Also, it really doesn’t seem you even give any real indication of liking them either.
This is a funny thread.
I have a lot of female friends. They all have significant others. I’ve expressed romantic interest in a couple of them prior to knowing they had significant others. Interestingly, they weren’t exactly straight forward in the beginning about being “taken”.
That being said, we all became friends anyway. I don’t see them as romantic options anymore.
Funny part is, they just had a girls night where I came up (I was not there) And big questions like why don’t I have a girlfriend, why is it hard for me to get one, and how the heck am I single.
They all expressed I’m attractive, athletic, funny, appropriately mysterious, excellent career, and an all around great person. They came down to maybe I have a small penis… I don’t 😂(I promise we believe penis size doesn’t matter 😂)
I say this because they all admitted they would have considered a romantic relationship if they weren’t taken and happy. They all gave a great review that I’m all the right things and doing all the right things.
So what is it? Frankly, My behavior says I don’t want to be or am not ready to be in a healthy relationship. Even though I always want to date and am in search of my person.
So maybe you need to look internal to yourself and figure out if you’re ready for or want a healthy relationship.
Energy drives a lot of attraction between people.
Sounds like you should audition for the bachelorette
Ask the guy(s) you want to date out. I, for one, am a dude who does not ask girl friends out, especially if we’re close. Unless I get some pretty clear (explicitly stated!) signals, I’m mot trying to be *another* guy in your life who hits on you out of the blue.
I would ask. I was in a similar situation with female friends and having that discussion with a few of them was probably the most helpful thing I could have done.
This isn’t a bad idea, but also, if you’re in to one of your guy friends, invite him over and lick his face. Or ask point blank if he’s interested in dating.
I don’t usually pursue stuff with friends I have a crush on, because i tell myself they aren’t in to me. Doesn’t mean it isn’t worth a shot.