I did read the rules but this is very close to possibly relationship advice, so I apologize in advance if it ends up this post needs to be removed.
tl;dr is the bold.
**I run an online hobby group with real life meetups.** The hobby it is for is not known for its great communication skills, but my group is one of the few that’s closely moderated and therefore accessible to women (if you catch my drift). **I have some men who make some women uncomfortable, but the women don’t want me to actually ban these men.**
**I’ve seen screenshots, and the creep level is “very lonely and very bad at socializing” instead of sexist or sexually predatory.** I haven’t really had a problem with talking to women in my life so I don’t know what sort of advice to give to these men. **But I do need to talk to them as the organizer and make them know their type of behavior isn’t ok.**
**Does anyone have any resources for me (or them) to read that basically explains “how to not be creepy toward women” without also insulting them in the process?** I have spoken to members before about social skills when I had something specific to point out (like unintentionally seeming pretentious) but I don’t have a good idea on how to tackle “don’t be a creep.”
Thanks in advance.
**Edit:**
I obfuscated this too much. It’s one guy. In any case, I was able to come together with my other mods (most of whom are women) and come up with something. I ended up with a bulleted list of specific things to stop doing followed by our commitment to a comfortable and acceptable group for everyone, including him, and that I had found some resources if he wanted them.
If anyone else happens to find themselves in a similar situation,
The most helpful article I found was this one:
https://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice/ways-men-creep-women-out.html
Followed by these, although they’re not as well written and nonjudgemental as the first one, surprisingly.
https://medium.com/the-ascent/how-to-know-youre-mansplaining-and-then-stop-5b006a4f361f
Added context:
The group doesn’t ask reporters what to do and we just take their word for it. The group has been around for a little over a year and I’ve banned several people already. This situation was awkward to deal with because the reporter came to us with screenshots unprompted and specifically requested we not ban in their initial report.
5 comments
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I want to very clearly state that I am a woman and speaking from my perspective only.
Don’t ask me if I want a creep banned. It puts me in the position of being the bad guy when it is someone else who has misbehaved. Develop rules that you can apply consistently, i.e., one warning followed by a ban or something. Apply the rules consistently and don’t blame the woman who reported the bad behavior when you warn/ban the offender. Forcing me to make the tough calls does not make me feel welcome. It makes me feel like I am in yet another arena where I have to pay the price for bad mens’ bad behavior.
This also alleviates you from having to try to teach them, which is way above what I would expect a hobbyist group unpaid volunteer to do. Try to teach them and you are volunteering to be their unpaid therapist / dating advisor.
No More Mr. Nice Guy is a great book you can refer them to.
Honestly though, people only change when they want to – you can’t force a dude to suddenly be non-creepy.
If the guys in this group are 30+ or close to it, they are full on adults and they should know the yes and no’s of interacting with people. I would be very frank with them about specific instances as they come up, and you have to draw a hard line; it may have to be as juvenile as they don’t message the women in the group or they will be kicked out.
I think everyone needs to get on board with consequences. Perhaps it’d be appropriate for this group to adopt an existing [code of conduct](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Code_of_conduct) ([software example](https://www.contributor-covenant.org/)), and a person or elected board that’s responsible for enforcing consequences for breaking that code. That’s a lot simpler to say, then do, but I don’t think anyone will generally change unless there are consequences to their actions.
I think I’d raise this in the context that you want the group to continue to mature, and ensure it’s welcoming to everyone. I would _not_ actually ask the women whom have felt uncomfortable to prove they felt that way, why, etc. Don’t entertain those questions, don’t let it be seen as a “change”, frame it as: of course we all want this because all of us here are kind caring people, and we just want to have a written set of conduct and rules that will be followed should the conduct be broken. Anyway, that could be a challenge.
Overall – consequences. Without them people don’t change.
Can you hold a meeting or online chat with the men of the group? If you can I would start there and go over some stuff. Being that the creep factor seems to be from awkwardness, desperation, and perhaps over zealousness instead of outright inappropriate behavior, you may have something to work with but make it clear how that comes across. They’re working against their best interests. Maybe provide some tips and tricks. These dudes may just need some help.