Something on your mind? Share your dating shower thoughts! Tuesday Truths

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1. Leaving Saturday for a week-long vacation with someone who I have never — not once in almost seven months — run out of things to talk about with. Am currently terrified we’ll run out of things to talk about. My brain needs to chill out.

2. Bro announces age range in his profile up to 20 years younger than him and 3 years older. LMAOOOOOO.

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4. Asked a person “what bad habits do you bring to the table” and gave an example of mine to see if they could self reflect and they got upset so I defo dodged a bullet

5. I’m really liking this guy I’ve been on 5 dates with now… We last went out on Friday and I was getting concerned he hadn’t asked me to go out again, even though he had been initiating a lot of texts and I wasn’t worried about his feelings or anything. (I asked him out the last two dates fwiw!) Then today he asked me out for NEXT MONDAY lol. We live in the same town but he’s got a demanding job and I take up a llooooottttt of his time lol. But it’s a bit disappointing!

6. Low key 5th date tonight at home. Feeling not pumped? Not that I don’t want to spend time, but that it’s a Tuesday and I’m *very* used to being alone all the time now (thanks pandemic, thanks WFH, thanks personal independence). I shouldn’t read into this as me not being interested, right? Not like I need to have some big, giddy crush on the guy as a 30 something or be thinking about them 24/7?

   Imagine that I finally get to the point where I’m dating, after all the anxiety and loneliness and hard personal work, only to realize that I just want my independence. I mean, that would be cruel lol

7. Shower thought.

   Has anyone watched Love is Blind? Do you remember the scene where Danielle accuses Nick of being a Narcissist?

   He clearly isn’t so it made me wonder if other people are making these same leaps for this diagnosis and why we see so many comments of people claiming their date is a narcissist on this subreddit.

8. I have a first date tomorrow with someone from hinge. I am trying to just go into every dating situation with neutrality. No hopes, no negativity, just the intention to be curious and kind. It’s hard to do but I keep getting my hopes up even for people who are terrible.

   No idea what to wear tomorrow since I’ll be going straight from work. I might be taller than him (I’m 5’8”) and I’m wondering if I should wear heels. I usually do for work and of course everyone comments on how I’m a giant.

9. Does anyone here struggle with relationship anxiety? I struggle a lot with the outcome of a new relationship rather than stay present and enjoying the relationship itself

10. Part of being mature in a relationship is trusting others and recognize you have a chance to get hurt but you still gonna be open up to him/her.

11. For the first time I am dating someone that I can see myself with. But we both have things that we need to work on (finance wise mainly). We communicate so well, she’s almost like a reflection of myself but with differences from myself.

    I’ve never felt this comfortable being *truly* there for someone before. And I was the one that had to make the first move. Which was so hard for me but so very worth it.

    Is anyone else experiencing this?

12. Had trouble getting over an ex, so I wrote her a letter, but didn’t send it. I’m mad how well that worked at helping me talk through some things lol. Think I’m finally at peace over the break-up & the reasons why it didn’t work.

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14. For almost 5 years, I was in an abusive relationship. My ex manipulated me through crying, crazy making, gaslighting, and guilt; but on the 4th attempt to leave, I finally did it last summer.

    The cost of leaving included taking a job with a pay cut and my expenses going up in general….and even so, my life has never been better.

    I (32NB) have been playing the field since last Fall. So far, I am seeing someone (33M) with what might be long-term potential, still meeting new people, and have been keeping a nice little Bang Maid (26M) on the side.

    One of the biggest realizations I’ve had since reentering the dating world is just how much I have to offer someone and just how much my ex tried to keep me from seeing that. He’s tried to get back with me twice, and use manipulation to guilt me about the relationship. I’m polite, but firm about not being in each other’s lives anymore. He never deserved me, and I finally love myself enough to see that.

15. I’m not the cleanest guy in the world but I like a tidy home and when company is over my place looks like a hotel. Spent the weekend at her place and I’m picking up she may not be the cleanest. Toilet bowl could’ve been scrubbed, trash full, kitchen cabinets unorganized. She’s never lived with someone before. Otherwise things are GREAT. Everyone else I’ve dated/lives with has been a neat freak. How big of a deal is this for long term compatibility?

16. Current situation: Slow fade has now completely faded and gone ghost. Got no choice but to keep on keepin’ on. Doesn’t feel good. Doesn’t feel completely awful either. Especially when the other person talked about-and for a while actually “walked the walk” about open communication, which is a valuable thing for me.

    Two dates in, gone. Oh well, but also dang, I enjoyed those conversations.

17. Ugh, I was exhausted and frazzled and accidentally got more tipsy than I meant to on a third date last night. Now it’s taking everything in me not to assume he’s no longer excited about me and is going to slow fade.

18. Even though we had a wonderful first date, and she telle me she’s excited for the second one and likes talking to me, part of myself is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    I know she’s busy with the kids, and I’d never ever bring it up to her, but the slight slowing down of the texting this week and my anxieties are doing a number on me.

    EDIT: The other shoe did drop. I hate that I wasn’t just crazy and wrong.

19. for all of you (especially u/dancedancedeutsch) who gave me advice that someone taking it slow initially (e.g. hanging out only once a week, no daily texting, no rapid fire texting) did not equal avoidance/lack of interest in me or an LTR/emotional unavailability, you all were sooooo right!

    we’re now a month in, he’s asking me out twice+ a week, daily texting, cooking for me, spending the night, sex, revealing super personal info, just increased emotional disclosure across the board. i think i had so normed myself on lovebombing being equivalent to showing interest that i didn’t even initially recognize a slower and healthier pattern of building intimacy for what it was and made negative assumptions. but by taking it slow myself, giving him space initially, letting things develop more naturally, we’re in a really great position now and potentially building something more sustainable and long term

    i feel so happy!

    i’m such in a better position than i was with the last person i dated for a month this year, who was immediately obsessed with me and constantly invalidated my boundaries and steam rolled over them. i always felt so exhausted and stretched thin by that relationship; we were spending almost every day together from day one. his emotional fragility and frequent lashing out when i inadvertently triggered his fear of abandonment was *so* draining

20. I ended it with a guy 2 months ago. I compared him alot (in my head) with the last guy I was seeing before him who I used to be in love. Realized I was dating him because I liked his companionship but I didn’t really like him. It was a fun 6 months with him, but it sucks cause the guy before him really wrecked my relationships and how much he won in every department. Hey im learning okay.

21. So in my never ending mission to question absolutely everything about dating culture (because I’m *that guy*) I have come to infamous “Third Date Rule” (i.e. when to have sex with someone) and it has left me somewhat conflicted.

    As far as I can tell, it’s another one of those dating gems that seems to have originated almost entirely in pop culture. Normally I find those little nuggets to range anywhere from “kind of pointless” to “outright damaging,” but I have to wonder if there’s some merit to the “Third Date Rule” if one can reframe it in a more real world context.

    First off, what I *don’t* like about the the Third Date Rule: IMO it’s one of those things that purports to be about personal liberation, especially for women, but the way it’s frequently discussed is still in a very moralistic manner. The third date is the perfect time to have sex with your new partner because if you do it before then you’ll be perceived as easy and if you wait too long you’ll be perceived as a prude. Firstly I don’t like this because it’s more about the external perceptions of someone’s sexual habits as valuable or not valuable and less about one’s own sexual autonomy. Nobody is entitled access to your no-no parts regardless of how many or how few dates you’ve been on. This is historically a much bigger thing for women but guys, that applies to us as well. Secondly, it’s just so damned *arbitrary.* Like why is the third date the ideal time to make this decision? Everybody is different. We all have different attitudes and experiences that give us different timelines for when we’re comfortable being intimate with someone. It’s especially arbitrary when you consider that in a post-Tinder world, most people are frequently dating total strangers and date one (and sometimes even date two) can essentially be written off as just deciding if you can even stand to be in the same room as that person. The show that’s largely credited with popularizing the Third Date Rule debuted *FOURTEEN YEARS* before Tinder was created.

    Now, to the part that has left me conflicted. I think a lot of people rush in to sex too quickly, I really do. Past me is definitely guilty of it. I think it’s a problem, not from a moral standpoint but because getting sexually involved at the wrong time can create a false sense of intimacy that further confuses attraction/infatuation with love. I mean this sub is chock full of posts from people who are freaked out or hurting after rushing in to physical intimacy with someone only to have it go completely sideways. A lot of dating advice (especially for us older daters) still revolves around “if it feels good, go for it.” Well eating an entire Safeway sheet cake for dinner can feel good in the moment, but you’ll definitely regret in the near future. I think there’s something to be said for not delaying intimacy too long as well. Being intimate with someone requires vulnerability, and vulnerability is definitely something people are also struggling with in today’s dating world.

    So what if we re-frame it not as a metric of our value as romantic/sexual commodity, but as a personal boundary. A way to protect oneself from unintended consequences and bad behavior (even our own).

    What if it was about striking a balance between emotional and physical intimacy and finding the right time to open up to someone in a healthy way?

    What if the the Third Date Rule was about self care?

    ​

    Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

22. Fuck. This cute guy on hinge just asked me what I’m doing and I meant to reply “playing with my puppy” but somehow the message I sent him didn’t say puppy if you catch my drift and he unmatched 😅🙀

23. I’m (34F) definitely getting more ‘attached’ to my ‘crush’ of almost a year (30M). Quotes because we haven’t met in person yet, he dated someone else for a bit and both of us have been taking time to work on ourselves. Silly, I know, but talking pretty much daily for so long I feel like I can at least admire him as a solid person. (One of my ‘best friends’ lives across the country and we’ve never met, but have been talking for literally 15 years, so I do believe online friendships can be a thing) I’m just frustrated because I want to feel good about myself so I can ask him to actually meet up, but I’m just not there yet. Hopefully I can use that as motivation instead of getting stuck in self pity and condemnation 🤷‍♀️

24. Realized this morning, literally in the shower, that I only ever have an ingrown hair in um, a sensitive place, when I am dating someone/in a relationship.

    So if things don’t work out with This Really Amazing Guy™️, at least I won’t be spending time dealing with this correlative annoyance.

25. I met a guy the other night that I was immediately drawn to and I can’t stop thinking about him. We had great conversation, danced together (dueling piano bar, so had great music) and exchanged numbers. Really hoping to see him again soon. I rarely have instant connections like this, so I’m really really wanting to see him again lol

26. I’ve heard a lot of women saying they are very attracted to intelligence, but I’ve never seen my intelligence actually attract women. Either it’s not so high on the attraction priorities as they claim, or I do a poor job demonstrating my own smarts. 🤔 (Or I overrate my own intelligence 😩)

27. I don’t know if I’m the only one that feels this way I want a relationship but I just don’t wanna like do all the effort I feel dating apps are exhausting 😫

28. I’ve recently started dating someone new, agreed to be exclusive from old (but we went to high school together.) and I’ve been really just enjoying the getting to know someone and being in a relationship. Ended all other conversations on a positive note (only 1 “oh just meet me anyways!” Wth? Ew)

    Bedroom goes, it’s boarderline. I’m wondering if being a woman with a very high sex drive puts me at a disadvantage to really enjoy the right fit in a partner. I’m the type of person for daily, and 3-4 times a week at minimum. He’s game, but I can tell he did not have this type of um, activity and frequency level, before. I’m willing to give it a go and see what develops… but what’s my time expectation to be on a similar level as me sexually? I’m absolutely thrilled he’s willing to communicate bedroom wise, but I’m seriously wondering if someone as sexually adventurous as myself can teach and be satisfied long term. And everything else, is really really great. Idk :/

29. I had been chatting with a really sweet guy on hinge and ended up asking him out because wtf was taking so long. It was awful. He complained about the wait for brunch on a Saturday in Los Angeles. And his car got in a hit and run after the date…

30. First week back on OLD and omfg, whyyyy? Found out that Bumble not only has a desktop version, lmao, but that you can do 1-day premium passes to see your likes. I’ve only had out-of-towners and people out of state like me. 😒

    I refuse to date anyone over 20 minutes away now because of my last relationship, lol.

    Canceled the Bumble subscription & am toggling between Bumble, Hinge, and Tinder. Sh00t me now. 🙃

31. wow that sucks