Hey reddit, long-time lurker, first-time poster.
Essentially, I (22M at the time) after going through a tough few years and finishing college I moved back home to my pretty small rural town. After a few weeks there I began applying for jobs to start earning some money. I got offered a job in the capital where my brother (28M) was living with his GF (29F). She was leaving her job and going traveling for ~6months to a year, so the situation was that I would stay with him in their 2 bedroom flat while she was gone. If I took the job.
At the 11th hour, I got cold feet and decided the job wasn’t for me, at which point I got abusive text messages saying I messed him over and screwed him out of rent money by not taking the room and it was too late for him to get someone else in. So after feeling caught in a hard place, I decided to move down to the room on an offer of “cheaper rent because youre my brother, and youre not making as much”.
The first month living there I ended up paying OVER HALF my 1st paycheck in rent (keep in mind he works a very good job and was earning triple what I was). The whole time there was pretty miserable and made much worse by his girlfriend returning from travel early because she fell out with all of her traveling buddies.
While she was back, I continued to pay over half my paycheck in rent, while she didnt work and was “job hunting”. I was also made feel increasingly unwelcome (even though I paid half the rent). And became a recluse into my room.
Long story short, she ended up getting a job, and very soon after I was told the place had gotten too cramped and I needed to be gone by the time they got back from holidays. As you can imagine, I was pretty pissed. After paying insane rent to them for nearly a year I was told to clear off one day because it didn’t suit them anymore.
It took them 2-3 days to even notice I was gone, and when they noticed and texted me, I ignored it.
I later found out that a friend of my brothers and his GF ended up moving into that spare room 4 days a week …FOR FREE! for the next 6 months.
This left me homeless, and I ended up splitting my time between hostels that I shared with drug addicts, and friends’ houses when I could, all while still working a full-time job. Showering in work and buying 2 lunches so I had dinner for the evenings that I could reheat wherever I ended up. All so they could have a spare room in their flat to use as a walk-in wardrobe.
I haven’t really spoken to either of them since, and family dynamics are that everyone knows I don’t want anything to do with them anymore after what happened.
Where it gets tricky though, is they are getting married in a few months and my brother reached out to me to invite me to the wedding. IMO this was just so he could pretend to hold the moral high ground as he knows I won’t go and we haven’t spoken in over 3 years.
Since I left, Ive been doing phenomenal! Got a new job in a new city, met my now GF, and am making great money and really enjoying what I do. So my life is on the up and up without him.
So I am in the wrong for not going to the wedding? I don’t feel like I’ve anything to gain. If my own family is able to treat you that poorly, maybe I’m better off at a distance.
Would love to know your thoughts.
TDLR: Moved in with my brother, paid crazy rent, got evicted when his girlfriend moved back early leaving me homeless. Now my family is annoyed I dont want to do to their wedding.
35 comments
You’re right. Stick to your guns.
Yeah, ignore him and any family members that try to force the relationship. He isn’t worth the energy at this point in your life.
If you can’t let this go and he’s unwilling to apologize then absolutely don’t go
But if you’re willing to be the bigger man, this could be a way to reconcile the relationship
Or if you really want to piss him off, go and have a great time and wait till you’re ready to leave to give him a wedding gift. A check for the exact amount you used to pay him for a months rent with “Rent” written in the memo line
Did they even apologize? If they didn’t, if it’s me, I won’t go. I can’t be happy nor pretend for both of them when they didn’t care when I needed help. I understand where you’re coming from. They treated their friend better than you who’s a family. Happy for you that everything is going well. God bless 💕
fuck em, if they weren’t there for you when you needed them there’s no reason to pretend like you care and give them the energy they’d never give back.
I wouldn’t go to his wedding. And I’m a pretty great guy, so you’re in good company.
I mean….what do you want out of this?
Don’t waste anymore energy on these zeros. Go live your best life and don’t give them a second thought.
Honestly they are expecting you to not go. I personally would show up late and when asked why I was late would tell everyone that brother told me it was at this time. You can’t say you didn’t go and they can’t spin some story about why you didn’t show. Also I would speak to everyone but them. I’m petty and wouldn’t give them the satisfaction is spinning the narrative.
If you have that fucked up a family dynamic, just leave everyone and everything.
Wait, he thinks you won’t show up?
I would go and have a great time with GF. Give a card and forget to put money in it!!
Mention to others how great your life is!!
Do not go and do not let your family guilt you into it. After how they treated you they and your family has no business being annoyed. I think they invited you just to get a gift and/or money out of you. Stay NC.
All I could think was, haven’t they gotten enough money out of you? They want you for two reasons;
1. A check
2. So they could tell everyone that what they did to you wasn’t that bad or why would you be there celebrating them.
Do you really want to celebrate those a**holes?
Just send a card. A thank you card. Thank you for showing me what a shorty brother I have who wasn’t there got me when I needed it.
Just ignore and block.
If he had apologized for illegally evicting you and being a general douchebag, maybe but he didn’t. He probably invited you because he doesn’t want to answer uncomfortable questions from family members as to why you’re not there. Tongues will wag and the happy couple will not be the center of attention, heaven forbid.
Do what you want. If you want to go, go. See if your brother has managed to grow up but I doubt he is probably more interested in you working in some way at the wedding or the present you will give him and his wife. If you would rather pass and spend the day with your gf, do that. Take the money you would have spent on your brother and blow it on a fabulous date.
Go to the wedding with your GF. Don’t be shy telling people you are estranged, and why you are if they ask.
For the wedding gift I’d have a chart done ( in calligraphy ) of the monthly rent you paid with the total paid.
Then subtract the amount of rent his friend paid (zero) and circle the remainder. Notate that is the amount your wedding gift.
Enjoy the free food.
Hmmmm…I’m super curious to hear his side. They way this was worded makes me suspicious
This sounds a lot of miscommunication and disappointment. You backed out at the 11th hour and he was upset. Then you went and then it didn’t go well because your job sucked but even after his girlfriend came back you stayed even though you were miserable. When they asked you to move out you couldn’t agree on a move out date and you just left and were homeless.
So many times moving in with family has failed expectations. You all made mistakes by communicating so poorly.
When my brother moved it we wrote things down and checked in once in a while. We cared more about our relationship that being angry so we had to work at it.
I would give everyone a second chance. Why carry a grudge? Everyone knows that moving in with family is fraught with disasters like this. They don’t have to end your relationships.
You are doing much better without them. Don’t bother to go to the wedding.
This reeks of entitlement and immaturity.
this person is not your brother. it’s safe to move on.
I wouldn’t go .
Go to the wedding. Bring a date. Dance, eat the food, drink the drinks. You can be polite with the bride and groom (“I would never dream of missing your wedding, i can’t think of two people who deserve one another more. I hope you both live a long life together”). You don’t have to tell anyone what went down, the people who know will be impressed with you for taking the high road, the people who don’t will think it is petty to mention. You don’t need to give a gift as you already have given them so much money. Think of it as a great opportunity to party with people you don’t see regularly.
Just don’t go, don’t give any reason, just say “he knows why, and I don’t want to talk about it” to everyone who wants to ask.
Trust me, the ambiguity will be worth it.
Respond, tell him to piss off and to not talk to you again, just tell your family that hes a douche and to leave you alone about not going
Your brother is a brother in name only. His actions speak far louder than his words which, as you astutely surmised, were chosen so that “he could pretend to hold the moral high ground”.
He kicked you out. He left you homeless. In other words, he ditched you and cast you out of his life, so return the favor and ditch his wedding.
On his wedding day, take your girlfriend out to a nice restaurant and celebrate how far you’ve come and how much happier you are without your ‘brother’ in your life.
Make your wedding on the same day, if you can steal even one person that was going to his that’s a win 😏.
They are probably just hoping for a wedding present out of the deal.
Yeah, you don’t have a relationship with him, you don’t owe him anything. Just because he’s family doesn’t mean you are required to be there for him if he’s toxic and shitty to you. They probably only invited you to get a gift. Send them something modest if you want, but if you’re doing better without them in your life, maintain the no contact.
No one can fuck your over like family.
I feel like some of this is your fault. Why would you move there in the first place if you knew you’d be spending half your paycheck? You could have left at any time. Then you DID leave early on your own accord, without finding a place beforehand, and are blaming them for being homeless.
Given how easily they monetized their relationship with you before it sounds, to me, like they are just looking for another wedding present. Sorry they did that too you. I’m glad things are good for you now.
They say “blood is thicker than water” but the actual full phrase is “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”
Family treats you like family, whether blood or not. If they don’t treat you like that, they aren’t family, blood or not.
You’re either a huge victim of a sociopath or you’re leaving a lot of details out.
If what you wrote is objective and accurate, yeah, your brother wronged you. But maybe you should get together with your family and tell them your side of the story because he obviously told his side. After that, it’s up to you to decide if you still want a relationship with your brother. Just don’t lose your relationship with the rest of your family as well.