We have been dating for 8 months now and he has been amazing to me. Always supportive, doing thoughtful things for me and tells me I’m pretty. I thought we have always had amazing chemistry from the beginning and he says I’m the prettiest woman he has ever dated. He is not a very complementary with words kinda guy in general so from time to time when he says these things it did make me feel attractive.
Fast forward to this weekend. I over heard him telling his brother that he is not attracted to me. He mentioned he did not like my weight and thought I would have lost the weight by now. I did mention wanting to lose weight when I met him since I gained about 30 lbs during covid. He also made mention that he wasn’t attracted to his ex of 7 years and now he feels that way about me. His brother asked him if he was going to break up and my boyfriend said no and that he probably needed therapy since he doesn’t understand why he feels that way. He mentioned he just feels like he wants to be alone sometimes. The call was on speaker phone and I think my boyfriend thought I was on a work call in my office but instead I happened to be in the hall way where I can over hear.
I was crushed. I don’t know what to believe. He has never made me feel like he is not attracted to me but I just can’t forget what he said. I also don’t understand why he said he wanted to be alone but he asked me to move in with him recently. I’m sad and confused. From movies and shows we’ve watched I know he always finds skinny blondes attractive and I’m a curvy brunette but I didn’t know it was anything more than a celebrity crush. He is in very good shape but I didn’t know he really wanted me to be in as good shape since I was 30 lbs overweight when we met. I’m still working on getting a hang of a better diet so I can lose the 30 lbs but this makes me feel very unsure of the future.
Where do I go from here? He treats me in such a kind and adoring way and always wants to consistently spend time me but this just makes me want to runaway. I know my emotional eating is out of control but this just makes it worse and I feel angry/judged/ugly. Like an outsider to information his brother knows but I wasn’t supposed to know.
32 comments
You’ve only been dating 8 months I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. I don’t understand why he even started dating you in the first place if he doesn’t find you attractive.
Talk to him instead of internet strangers
I’m trying to think of what I would do in this situation. I definitely would not be able to just ignore this and move on. I think you need to confront him. I mean, you were home and he’s saying this stuff on speaker phone?! You can just be honest and tell him you heard his comment while on your way to the bathroom, etc. Perhaps he can explain himself. One thing is for sure, I wouldn’t want to waste any time with someone who is not attracted to me though.
This would really mess with my head if I overheard such a thing from my boyfriend. I’m really sorry you are dealing with this. I’m sure you are a lovely person and fricking Covid has screwed a lot of us up in the diet/exercise department. Give yourself some grace and compassion.
Please tell me you have not actually moved in yet… if not, don’t even consider that option. If you have, you should definitely find another place to live. If he’s not attracted to you 8 months in, and is actually telling other people you’re not attractive while lying to your face… it is just not worth fixing. Move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea!
I’m not taking his side. I think he’s an idiot. But I’m going to explain what I think.
1. You said you gained weight during pandemic. So he thinks, “Oh she’s always Skinny. Just this pandemic made her gain weight. Weight will be gone when pandemic is better so I’ll be patient.” That didn’t happen, but that’s how a man with this mentality is going to think.
2. He stayed with someone for years that he wasn’t attracted to. This doesn’t mean she wasn’t attractive nor doesn’t mean you are not attractive. He simply could be the type that loses attraction to women fast. There are these types out there. They’re never satisfied for long. But they also fear being the bad guy so they don’t want to hurt anyone and stay in the relationship. Forever. Hence, he wants to get therapy, not break up. He’d rather fix himself than leave someone. (That’s kind of a good thing to be honest)
3. What person with any ounce of since is going to be saying these things on speaker when his woman is in the house? I don’t care if he thought you were busy. You were in the home. Your presence was there. And he had this conversation? And his brother knew you were home and asked him these questions? Why so stupid!!!!??!!!
Idk what you want to do about this, but if you’re comfortable with your weight, keep it on. Life is too short to be with someone who expects his woman to be Barbie sized forever if you don’t fit the mold. Find someone who loves those curves. Don’t tell him “oh I used to be thin but,” say nothing about your weight. Let the man choose. But if fitness is a thing for this guy, I understand him wanting a fit partner.
Time to pick his brain and confront him with what you heard. Ask him to be honest.
I’m sure he has some flaws you don’t like either. Like being an airhead.
Get out, respect yourself. Don’t take this from someone. Do whatever you can to live the life you want, you can do it and you’re worth it. This is incredibly disrespectful and dishonest. Your feelings are not out of line at all, they are trying to protect you. Listen to them, feel them fully, and then act: block this person and focus on your happiness.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. This has happened to some girls I know. I’ve also done this to someone.
The facts are he doesn’t find you attractive and he wants you to weigh less. If you don’t want to do that (and keep in mind, you’d be expected to keep it off) – you should break it off. Sadly people can love people and think attraction will grow and then the dust settles and they realize they aren’t attracted and won’t ever be. If I was you – I’d break up.
For future reference: if a guy is crazy about your looks – he will usually tell you many times and be complimentary. And when you talk, he’ll give you this stare like he loves looking at you
Lose the weight and gain some self-respect. He’s settling for you. He has a history of settling.
No fat shaming but if your partner has a problem with the weight gain, you should take a serious look. Men are visual creatures, it’s something women in this country don’t like to admit but a fit woman has more options then an obese one.
Gain some respect. Is he love and your life with him worth the shame and loathing you are feeling now? If it is, then it is what it is. If it’s not, you should have a discussion with him. Let him know you heard what he said, you apologize for eavesdropping but this is an issue that needs to be addressed in order for the relationship to be stronger and be healthy on both sides.
If he’s not, then have a discussion with him. Let him know you heard what he said, you apologize for eavesdropping but this is an issue that needs to be discussed. You don’t appreciate his words, although you respect it. But you’re worth more than being someone another settled for.
Regardless of how the conversation goes, he’s right. He needs therapy. Why is he okay settling for something that doesn’t make him happy. He’s low key unhappy with himself and doesn’t believe he deserves the best, of himself, for himself or life. And that’s sad, and honestly the worst part of all this.
Your boyfriend is two-faced. He’s been telling you empty compliments where in reality he never meant them.
That’s grounds for a break up. Be glad that you found out.
Break up with him or don’t, but either way lose the weight. Not for him but for yourself. You admit to being overweight and it sounds like you would be more confident and secure and have a better relationship if you were 30 pounds lighter. It’s possible. Use this as motivation.
I would leave if possible. He might start trying to use you. Definitely weird. Is he easily influenced? Maybe he was just saying that … I don’t get why he would date you if he’s not attracted to you.
Sounds like his ex was a placeholder for what he wants and now you are the placeholder. Seems like he has loyalty to his placeholder. But in the end there will be no plans for marriage in the future. At least he is willing to go to therapy to figure himself out.
>Where do I go from here?
“I heard what you said to your brother. This is an absolute deal breaker and I want to end this relationship. I wish you well in the future”
Or something to the same effect. What he said cannot be unsaid.
I just wanted to say, that the way you described yourself op, you are perfect…. And that I love you…😉.
All joking aside, love the skin you are in. Love who you are, and not what he thinks. You need to say, “hey I overheard you conversation. Look I know I need to lose weight, but I am actually happy where I am, and I was happy with you. Now that I know this, I need to know if this is true, as I don’t want to spend another moment with you, if you are unhappy. So, I think we should break up, and go our separate ways if not. I want someone who will appreciate me for being me.”
So… first things first you need to talk to him. Tell him you overheard his conversation and were incredibly hurt by it. But the wanting to be alone thing, the loss of attraction, etc. might be because he’s a manipulative jerk who was leading you on, or it might be because of depression. Worst case scenario, conversation goes bad and you bail.
He’s playing a part. The part of the adoring boyfriend. He feels this is the way he is supposed to act. Why is he doing this? Cause he feels nothing. Not on purpose. He wants to feel something but he just doesn’t. He can’t handle the realness of the relationship. He feels he should be alone. It feels natural to him. No pressure.
This is me in a nutshell. I understand him. It sucks. I’m sorry. You deserve better. Good luck.
How is this even a question? 8 months in, the guy isn’t into you – straight to dump town.
Do you want to wait around for him to break up with you because he’s not into you?
I swear I have heard this one before… is this a repost/ copypasta?
Leave him. He’s talking about you behind your back in a negative way and the fact he said he needs therapy because he doesn’t know why he feels this way is absolutely disgusting. You will find someone that will love all of you. You don’t need to stay with that trash.
I have been in his position before. Him not being attracted to you does not mean you’re not beautiful. It does not mean he doesn’t see your beauty. What it means is that he doesn’t *feel* attraction towards you.
The fact that he said “I don’t know why I feel this way” is your clue. He knows you’re a hottie, but he doesn’t understand why he’s not attracted to you. So don’t let this destroy your self-esteem, this is 100% a HIM problem.
When I felt this way before, it was because of two things: depression and pornography overuse/addiction. I’m certain he’s suffering one or both of those.
You can totally break up with him over this, you deserve to be with someone who is totally into you. *However…* it sounds like you guys have great chemistry, he treats you well and really cherishes you. It’s possible that both of you could do some work and improve things.
I think you should lay it all out on the table. He needs to figure out his shit, quit porn and get his mind right. You need to work on your self-esteem and get your emotional eating under control (for YOU, not for him. His comments are triggering body issues you already have).
You could both do this alone, or you could do it together, supporting each other. It’s up to you.
You won’t forget his words… I had a ex who told me I’d look beautiful skinny (after sex). I never got over it. It changed so much in our relationship. I struggled the most bc I could never feel good enough no matter how he complimented me afterwards (pretty/beautiful/etc). I stayed for 2 years and I lost so much of myself, willingly. I learned my lesson now. Please please do not stay. You are valuable. You are someone’s gem in its ENTIRETY OP
You deserve something definite. Seems like this kid doesn’t know what he wants. He’s already comparing you to his ex. People can treat others kindly and adoringly and still be toxic, it’s not always obvious.
If I may, Many Many Many MANY of us all have things about our spouse we hate and we find unattractive. Appearance just happens to be the one thing we are most insecure about………and he seems committed to the idea of you meaning their are other qualities
If he wasnt a dick about it, Id say speak to him about it and go from
There
You need to tell him you heard, you both need to be honest to each other.
You should certainly confront him. However, even after a discussion you might always be wondering if he is just saying things he thinks you want to hear or if he is sincere. You may want to consider if you want to continue in a relationship where you can’t trust that he means what he says.
He started dating you with your current appearance as it is, keeps dating you for 8 months and thinks you aren’t attractive? Someone being attracted to you shouldn’t be contingent on THIRTY POUNDS. Especially when that is how they met you!!!!
1. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. This absolutely sounds like a him problem. My (32f) boyfriend (34m) agrees. I’m glad he is thinking about therapy.
2. I can appreciate you want to lose weight, but don’t let him feel bad about your current weight. COVID was a rough time. Be kind to yourself and know that curvy brunettes are kick-a$$. And 30 lbs shouldn’t make or break an attraction. Both my boyfriend and I have had fluctuating weights (because we are human and it can be a reasonable expectation).
3. He was having this conversation on speakerphone while you were in the apartment? He shouldn’t be surprised if you confront him and discuss it with him. I would need to discuss it with him to get it out in the open.
To me this guy sounds depressed. He sounds like he is going through the motions trying to be normal. Things that once brought joy are grey and dull. Hell it might be off and on or a day by day thing. I agree with the self assessment you overheard. I’d just also be prepared for him to maybe realize he doesn’t want to be in the relationship for real.
Idk the best course of action, but I’ve been in similar shoes and might offer some insight
So the physical attraction is the secondary issue. Regardless of whether he’s physically attracted to you, or attracted to you for personality and intellect, he’s talking negatively about your appearance to others- and this probably isn’t the first time- and says he doesn’t want you there. Him talking about you that way to others should have you way more angry at him than you are. I get discussing issues with people perspective when you’re looking for advice on how to handle a situation. But there’s nothing to handle here- he’s just talking badly about you for its own sake.
The thing someone says when they don’t think they’ll be judged and aren’t trying to get anything from you is the thing that is true. And he didn’t even care enough if you heard him to take it off speaker phone despite you being in the home. You should be done with this jerk. It doesn’t sound like you live with him, so just cut him off. Tell him you deserve better than someone who is going to gripe behind your back about your appearance and then lie to your face, and you are happy to give him what he wants- to be alone. I doubt he’ll fight much because he was halfway trying to sabotage the relationship anyway, but if he does block him and concentrate on you.
3 options. You can lose weight, break up with him, or both.
Edit: Or talk it out I guess. It just didn’t sound as cool as a fourth option.
I would end it. There’s issues he clearly needs to work out and you deserve better. Also… if you want to lose the weight, do that for you and for no other reason than to bring you happiness and health.
An issue with attraction 8 months in.. You’re going to feel the hurt of this for possibly.. ever?
Being 30 pounds overweight shouldn’t matter.
Even if you’re together and then gain 30 pounds.
Like what if you gain more weight?
I’m sorry but my body and several other women’s bodies that I know, were all alot softer at 30.
You can workout and eat right but that doesn’t always change things.
He fell for you at 30 pounds heavier and that shouldn’t be something he’s discussing or hoping you lose the weight cause you have a pretty face or whatever.
Your self esteem deserves better.
It’s hard to love yourself when you think you’re overweight. I can’t imagine the inner dialog when you hear your partner doesn’t find you attractive either.
I’d cut your losses and take some time for mental self care. You deserve better.
Personally I would say leave. He sounds like he has a lot to sort through and to might never get past what he said. It’s a tough thing to just move on for.
I think you deserve someone who is attracted to you.