Basically long story short, I (24 f) have felt very unappreciated by my friend (23 f) for the last few years or so. We grew up together and our parents are friends, as we’ve gotten older we obviously have very different lives. I was working full time and in school full time, while she moved away and went to an out of state school. She would become upset with me when I wasn’t able to answer her calls because I was working (she wants to talk over the phone everyday) and later admitted it was because she didn’t think my job was a real job. And now gets upset when I can’t hang out, she gets the basic school holidays off, I work literally everyday 6am-4pm. I still however would try to make an effort to see her when she asked me out( but always on her terms with her friends and family, and her house). She has never came to an important party of mine but will come with her family to one for my brothers. While this has always bothered me I never cared until recently. Last week my parents threw me a party to celebrate a very important milestone in my career, something I have been working very hard for. I told her months in advanced about the party telling her how I really wanted her there. Night before I ask her if she’s coming and she tells me she can’t bc her parents are out of town and made plans for her else where (bs). I responded okay, and enjoyed myself. The next day, I saw that she posted that she was just out with other people. This really hurt me and I haven’t spoken to her since and I can tell she knows I’m upset bc she keeps reaching out asking when we can go out to celebrate me and even apologizing. But frankly I am fed up and need a break from the friendship. I don’t want it to end but I can’t keep going like this.
TL;DR! How do I tell my life long friend I need a break
5 comments
> I am fed up and need a break from the friendship. I don’t want it to end but I can’t keep going like this.
Breaks don’t fix anything. So what is it that you hope a “break” from her will gain you, that you won’t then immediately lose again when you come *back* from the break and have to start dealing with her being the way she is again?
Anything worth “taking a break” over is either important enough and fixable enough that the two people should put in the time, effort, and energy to find a solution for it, or is important enough and *not* fixable, at which point they should walk away.
All “taking a break” ever does, in a situation where there’s a problem intrinsic to a relationship or the people in it, is to kick the can down the road a ways, so that *future* you has to deal what with *today* you really should have.
If you take a break from her, what’s the point of coming back from it? She’ll still be the exact same person she was that led you to needing a break from her in the first place.
Boundaries, learn the word ‘no’ and come to terms that it’s okay for her to feel bad. You’re not an emotional support pet.
“Listen I’ve been there for you, I’ve adjusted my life to make you happy, I’ve made time to come visit you but you’re not reciprocating the same. I understand we all have lives but it seems I’m the only one bending for yours. The other day you said you couldn’t make to a party that celebrated a milestone in my life and all I wanted was your support. You said you couldn’t go because of your parents I let it go but then I see you’re out with other friends. This is a one sided relationship I need a break from and when I return I’m going to set some healthy boundaries to stabilize this friendship.”
Or you can ya know.. drop her? You make go many accommodations for her with little to none in return.
I wish someone would have told me earlier in life that when it comes to relationships/friendships “it’s 100% okay to be selfish” and to do what you feel is best for you in the short and long term. Protect your energy (mental health) and be prepared to live with the results.
Sounds like your friend may have some maturing to do when it comes to relationships/friendships in general.
People in your life are like seasons.
Sometimes these friendships that develop because the parents are friends don’t hold up as people mature and change. Sort of like a neighbor kid – you might be friends out of proximity and convenience, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a great friend match.
It’s hard for me to get a sense of how you feel about her as a friend. Meaning, do you really feel close to her? Or is it just that she’s been present in your life for so long that she’s familiar?
It’s OK for you to tell her how you feel. Try to make her understand without putting her in a position to get defensive. She did a pretty shitty thing. She could’ve gone to your party and then gone out with friends afterward. Or whatever.
She doesn’t really sound like a great friend. At the very least just tell her you’re very busy with work right now and need to focus on that for the foreseeable future.