Need help, I am a toxic girlfriend.

35 comments

1. While it’s great that you see the issues here and own up to them, you’ll need therapy to get on track and maintain any changes.

2. Therapy.

3. You’re the only one who can change yourself.. you already know all your issues, which is huge- now just to do something about it.. **Pay more attention to what you’re doing** ^(and stop yourself from being toxic), *it’s that simple.*

4. Couples therapy would be best. If that’s not an option, consider this. Yes, the problem is very much you but also him. If he apologizes, even if he’s not wrong, if he’s constantly doing what you want, if he doesn’t set limits or boundaries, he’s in essence enabling your behavior. What sounds like the problem is that in the beginning you were probably irritable, and he was probably fearful of conflict, so to keep you happy he kept giving in, which just reinforced your bad behavior. The solution is thus for you both to do better, for you to work on your irritability (google defensiveness and solutions for it as it sounds like that’s the biggest issue you have) and for him to work on better boundaries (google flexible boundaries, fear of conflict and people pleasing and solutions for that as that seems like where he struggles). The more you can tone down your defensiveness and the more he can stand up for himself, the better off you both will be.

5. Hey OP, do you know what Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) is? You should look into that and maybe check out the r/adhd community.

6. You feel guilty and frustrated by yourself? Frankly it sounds like you’re a good and compassionate person with a bad habit of acting selfish from time to time. That habit must have some reason for it, like some anxiety, unrealized wishes etc, that’s what a therapist can help you find out

7. Of course like many suggested, therapy.. but since you’re not insured that will have to wait.

   I’d sit down with your BF and talk to him. Explain to him that you have deep feelings for him and feel bad about the things you’ve done.

   You acknowledge the problem and explain it’s not his fault, it’s yours. You’re trying to work on it but need a push in the right direction.

   This way he might understand your sudden outbursts better.

8. You have adhd, which makes self regulation extremely difficult. Im in a similar boat btw.

   All i can say is get professional help, as you mentioned, and also maybe try to find a scheme for yourself, either by writing down every morning to be more patient, kind and selfless with your bf and making a conscious note of it. You are aware of the problem, that is the first step.

9. I think that it is nothing weird what you describe.
   It is difficult to cope with ADHD in a world designed for neurotipicals. That lets little resources for the others if you are overwelmed with yourself.

   Dont be so mean with yourself and you will start being less mean with him.

   Therapy is good, but very difficult to find a therapist that can cope well with ADHD. Do not acept whatever!

   Check the r/ADHDwomen comunity for tips and trics and a sense of normality 🙂

10. Im gonna give some personal experience tips, having been in pretty much in the same boat with how i act.
    Also got adhd.
    On the argumentative part what helped was realizing i don’t actually need to always voice my opinion, its ok to not voice my opinion and just listen instead and let someone else believe they’re right even if i at the moment think they’re not. Its a work in progress tho. I used to think i would be fake doing this but apparently most ppl do this.

    The progress will be catching yourself earlier and earlier during the argument. As soon as you feel defensive, there is a trigger. I look for the defensive feeling. And usually tell the person that i feel defensive right now, and i don’t know why. I will need time think this through(and find the root cause).
    If i have an argument where i don’t have that defensive feeling, but just feel angry/sad etc. I keep going because thats just keeping my boundaries. But the defensive feeling is a key.

    Try to make it up to him when you realize what you have done after the fact. In my experience that has worked amazingly.
    For example: If you later realized that you declined a favor he asked for, tell him you realized what you did and ask or offer something you can do for him.

    If you belittle him to your friends, apologize to him AND tell your friends you were wrong for saying that/that you shouldn’t have said that.( talking to the friends part is the only way i’ve successfully made me stop keep talking shit, i guess it removes the dopamine kick that came from talking shit and replaces that memory).

    Also your boyfriend isn’t perfect and he needs to set his boundaries. A person without boundaries frustrates me a lot, because i feel like I can have none myself without feeling like a horrible person. And i kinda do feel myself turning worse. It honest to god drives me insane.
    You can try to motivate him to say no, or talk against you, that you are trying to practice to respect his boundaries. Anything that isnt a ”yes!” is a no. Both will be happier (and probably less snapping) if you succeed.

11. I would suggest that as well as the therapy (when you can) that you also educate yourself and your bf about being/living with a partner who has adhd. I would take what you learn and try to come up with things together that would help you both cope (and empower him in the relationship a bit) in the meantime.

12. Most most relationships become toxic over time as negative habits and patterns develop. By working to keep toxicity away on a regular basis, you’re being proactive in keeping the relationship healthy, rather than fixing an issue down the line.

    Congrats you are starting to notice this! I have a few suggestions.

    While therapy is already talked about and is in your edit, i will try to suggest two more simple ideas you could try:

    – Show Love

    We often love our partner the way we want to be loved. For example, maybe you love when your drives you to your errands you, so you try doing more household chores for your partner. But it can help to talk about how you both like to be loved, and then do more of that for each other.

    While [doing chores] may be helpful, it is a missed opportunity as it could be that he feels the most loved when you give thoughtful compliments or[ physical touch](https://tichaz.com/2022/01/14/erotic-massage/). Knowing how your partner loves to be loved is essential. And being aware of that every day can help, even as you say you can’t catch yourself being mean to him in the moment, with time you will be conscious when this happens.

    – Appreciate The Little Things

    Many relationships turn toxic because both partners start focusing on the negatives in the relationship and each other. So if you don’t already, make it a habit to notice little things you do for each other, and then bask in that gratitude – again something you are already doing by being grateful to him. The question is, does he have anything to be grateful to you – [even if it is a sexual act](https://tichaz.com/2022/01/14/starfish/)?

    By being grateful for each other and showing it, you keep the relationship focused on the positive aspects of your life together. It’s yet another habit that can keep the scales from tipping towards negativity.

13. You’re on the right way. Realisation is half of the work.

    What could help is: write down a list of what you want to improve on yourself.

14. Why is no one mentioning the fact they started dating when she was 15-16 and he was 18-19

15. Hi! I didn’t use to be selfish but I used to subconsciously react to everything in a way to ensure that I’d get validation everywhere. Besides therapy (I never really took it because I didn’t have money for it), journaling has helped quite a lot. It forces yiu to literally sit down and think about why you did what you did. Also, admitting to the person that you know you should not be behaving this way may help as well

16. Break up with yourself.

17. You definitely need individual therapy and your boyfriend also needs individual therapy so he can learn to set boundaries.

    While you both wait for your individual therapy here are a few layperson suggestions:

    1. Consider recording yourself. You would first have to discuss with your BF that you know your behavior is toxic and would like to record your interactions so you can see what you are like when you are outside of the situation. When you see it outside of the moment you can evaluate – be truely honest with yourself.

    2. Morning and evening, every moment try to repeat to yourself “is this how I would like to be treated”?

    3. Apologize to BF and ask him to help you hold yourself accountable. When you hurt his feelings – he is to tell you in clear words and not try to make you feel better about it.

    4. When you feel yourself getting out of control then practice saying “I need a moment please” and walking to somewhere you can be alone and taking some deep breaths and going to your mental happy place.

18. Got for you for admitting this! It’s a really important step in becoming a better person.

19. In addition to therapy maybe you should start learning to drive? I think this will help you establish some independence and not have to rely on him for everything – maybe then you’ll realize what it’s like taking care of yourself/others and be more appreciative.

    Also, I don’t think he should teach you. Learning to drive can be frustrating and with your current actions, you’ll probably take your frustrations out on him and make things worse

20. I think it’s great that you’re self-aware of this! And it’ll probably be good for your boyfriend to know that you’re aware of it and open to working on it. He’s a great person for dealing with it without question. Being able to roll with the punches is a great quality. But for him knowing that it’s not unnoticed will be very nice I’m sure.

    > I’m getting alot of people suggesting therapy. I agree and I have been trying to establish that since I’m uninsured at the moment. In the meantime any advice or tips on how to self regulate really help. All resources are also extremely welcome. Thank you all

    Look up resources in your state/city, they are available!

    Google things like “free therapy in <state>” or “low cost therapy in <state>”

    I did it with my state and several resources came up. Not sure how good those resources are, but it’s something to look into!

    We live in a country famous for its lack of a social safety net and part of that is that resources that are in fact available aren’t often advertised/known well enough. So taking a minute to dig for them can make all the difference.

21. I’m sorry that you’re struggling like that. ADHD definitely has an affect on relationships, and you may be right – it may play a part here.

    There is a great book that might help – it’s called “Is It you, Me, or Adult ADD” by Gina Pera. It might help both of you to read it, as it describes a whole bunch of ways that ADHD can affect relationships, and offers explanations, coping mechanisms and more to help you navigate it.

    You can probably find it at a library, or buy it in ebook format cheaply from Amazon. Certainly, it’s a good place to start while you work up to therapy – and yes, therapy is a tool to use to help with this.

    Good luck, OP

22. I would say CB therapy. If it is hard to get in to see someone or too expensive then for a while you can start with workbooks you can order from Amazon. It is a training of your thought processes and your reactions and a lot of the work you can do on your own.

23. ” I have the perfect boyfriend but I can’t stop being selfish, entitled, and argumentative all the time. It is ruining my life. Please help”

    If someone believes *you* are worth the effort, *they* will make the effort. (And vice versa)

    When *we change* our circumstances change.

    ***”Love what you have before life teaches you to love what you lost.”*** – Unknown

    ***”Decide what kind of life you actually want. Then say no to everything that isn’t that.”*** – Unknown

    ***”No one can stop you once you have decided to grow.”*** – Sangeeta Rana

    Best wishes!

24. If you can’t afford therapy, there are other options. The one thing I wish I could tell my younger self is that the ONLY thing I can control is my own behavior.

    So… you CAN control this, you just need the tools to do it. One very easy way to start is to use the old “count to 10” method. Before you open your mouth to respond to him, take a deep breath and count to ten. This brief pause will give you time to think about what you’re going to say and how you want to say it.

    You might also try some [mindful breathing](https://positivepsychology.com/mindful-breathing/) as an alternative. There are techniques you can use to get some distance from your negative emotions and give yourself time to regulate your behavior.

    The key here is that you must want to change your behavior. It’s not going to work if you always feel like your reactions are justified and that you’re in the right. You’ll need to be mindful, acknowledge your past mistakes, and take meaningful action to modify your behavior.

    Finally, WHEN you slip up–which you will, because you’ve created a habit of responding in a certain way and it takes time to learn how to manage your behavior– you MUST acknowledge it immediately and apologize without making excuses. In my experience, simply being willing to accept responsibility for your actions and making a sincere effort to change them can go a long way toward repairing a damaged relationship.

25. r/BPD

    might be a better resource than here.

26. You guys were 16 and 19 when you got together?

27. Here’s a trick we use (my husband has ADHD, I have OCD).

    If at ANY time, one or the other of us starts losing our temper or notices the other one is, we are allowed to Tap Out – basically just tap our hand on the table or chair arm and we take a time out so 10 to 30 minutes in our room, take a walk, etc.

    Afterward, we come back together, the person who was getting angry apologizes and we try again.

28. Hi I’m the same way and I just want to say thank you for your post

29. Think before you speak

30. I noticed you said you’re a picky eater, me too. It’s a real issue for me and it means I often go too long without food because food can be such a source of stress for me. However I have recently realised that there’s a very HUGE direct link between me being too hungry and low blood sugar and being irritable and snappy. Do you think your eating habits might be affecting you in the same way?

31. First, start journaling. Toxic behavior is often the result of deep rooted insecurities. So, what are you insecure about? Once you identify that, you can usually logic and reason your way through each one.

32. There is a course called Jones Mindful Living that takes you though DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) for emotional regulation via videos. It’s very helpful and affordable, I think it’s like $20 a month.

33. Whatever you are not changing you are choosing.

34. Try therapy! And couples counseling may help too, this should help you to work on improving yourself 😁

35. Practice.

    Sit down with him, in a calm and quiet place.

    Have him tell you about one small thing you did that bothered him. It could be a recent thing, or even one of the older things you mentioned in the OP.

    Go into this situation knowing that you aren’t going to be mean, or disagree, or argue, or justify. You’re just going to listen. And then, just say that you understand, and you’re sorry, and you’ll try to be better. Say what you said above. Explain this to him.

    And that’s it.

    This way, you can practice dealing with disagreements in a way that isn’t surprising. You won’t be caught off guard, which is what makes you default to your instincts.

    You can literally say to each other, “I was upset by something today, and I want to talk to you about and deal with it, because I love you.” That sets the tone for the whole conversation on a positive track: its not you vs. him, it’s you and him vs. the problem.

    Also, try changing the way you disagree. If something bothers you, say that it bothered you, but that you don’t want to talk about it right now, you want to wait a few hours or days until you’ve both settled down and you can deal with it calmly.

    Or, try writing down your problems or your thoughts and sharing with them that way. That lets you take time to pick the right words, and it also takes time (which will let your feelings on the issue cool down a little.) Also, I personally find that when I write a problem down, it suddenly seems much smaller than it did before.