My boyfriend of two years allowed me to use his laptop so I could do some work. But before he did so he wiped his search history and logged out of all his social media and told me he was doing this. I thought this was weird and questioned him about it. He got very defensive and an argument started. He said he wants me to respect his privacy and not see what he’s been searching, or what he’s been talking about to his friends. Although I understand this, I’ve had the same experience with pervious partners and turns out they where cheating on me and messaging other girls. He did offer me to look through his phone right there and then, but i turned the offer down as I knew it would make the argument worse. How do I approach this? Is this a red flag? Or am I being paranoid because of my past experiences?
33 comments
No he’s weird. Yall have been together way too long for him to be embarrassed about whatever he’s searching or looking at.
Not a good sign
To be fair, I wouldn’t want my SO to snoop through my history or my social media regardless of whether I had something to hide or not.
Did he tell you he wiped his history and logged out of his social media? Or did you look and realise?
I think he’s an idiot, it’s alot easier to just make a different account for You on his laptop, which also prevents You from seeing his history. It also sells better cause he can now say he trusts You enough to have this.
He was probably watching porn and was either embarrassed to tell you or didn’t want to upset you. Are there any other signs of cheating? If not, probably just something he was embarrassed about.
This is weird. Definitely something he hides.
I never saw this coming out good. Always trust your gut
It’s a double edged sword really, personally when I was with my (now) ex, I was always uncomfortable with her using my Pc and my phone. I have past experiences with invasive family members that have always made me anxious to share my devices with anyone.
There was a time at the start of the relationship where she found something I wasn’t proud of but we made up over it and moved on. But since that day in the relationship it made me even more paranoid of her using my devices, especially how she found what she did, I was asleep in the same room when she went on my Pc, she said she was saving something to my drive and found it but idk what to believe.
A lot of the time I’d also be googling questions and searching for things to do with my physical and mental health, or just random weird Google searches in general I get anxious about anyone seeing. It could be for any number of reasons but if it is really bothering you I suggest trying to have an honest talk with him about it, assure him you won’t get mad or upset at his honesty. After all, you don’t have to be angry in the moment to decide to leave someone based on what they tell you, you can just calmly accept his answer and make your decision yourself when you’re collected about it.
To me the social media thing is a little concerning, the wiping of Internet history I can understand that he might not want you seeing what porn he watches, but idk this isn’t enough for me to think he’s cheating
There is the possibility he is planning a surprise for you if it’s like close to your birthday or y’all’s anniversary.
He could be cheating or he could be into Furries.
It’s not so cut and dry.
He could be into something sexually he isn’t comfortable sharing and doesn’t want you seeing his porn history. He could’ve vented about you during a rough patch to a friend and doesn’t want you seeing what he said at his worst. There are a lot of reasons someone might not want their partner digging into them.
I don’t like people looking through my stuff either tbh. I was with my husband like 10 years and I would do the same shit but not because I was cheating. (He was cheating that’s why it’s “was with my husband”) I’m really introverted and get embarrassed really easily. There were msg to my sisters and stuff where I’d be telling them about our life together or asking advice that I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him seeing. (Nothing that I wouldn’t eventually bring up with him) I don’t think I ever got rid of the search history though. A long time together kind of leaves you with knowing each other kinks pretty well. lol So, it could be something like that but also . . . your feelings about it are valid and I’m assuming he knows about your past trauma? It could go either way really, but I’d trust your instincts, first and foremost.
My ex used to do this. He would have his accounts linked on phone and laptop, he usually had no problem if I used his laptop until he started cheating. He unlinked everything from his phone and had nothing logged on.
Could he be looking for rings to propose and spoke to his friends about it? Are you both at those steps together? Have you spoke about engagement?
He is probably hiding something, but it might not be bad. Maybe he is planning a surprise and didn’t want you to see messages related to that.
Is there anything else happening that would make you think you can’t trust him?
If I want to let someone in on a conversation had online I’ll do that, but my conversations are private between me and whoever I was speaking to.
Not because they’re a secret but because that’s what the conversation was intended to be, otherwise we’d have it in a comment section for the world to see.
I would not let someone go through my phone unless they have good reason for suspicion, in which case they’ll still only be allowed to see who I’m talking to not the contents of those conversations.
When it come to search history, I’ve watched porn with a partner, we’ve looked at weird porn just to see what was out there. I still don’t want that partner browsing through what I got off to when she wasn’t home for the past month.
If I thought someone was going to snoop I’d do the same as your boyfriend and it seems like you did snoop.
Just because it’s digital instead of irl doesn’t mean you have the access to his every conversation or thought he has. Some people like privacy for the sake of privacy, respect that.
He’s clearly hiding something but a bunch of randos on Reddit won’t be able to tell you what.
For me, this would be too big of a red flag to ignore. The lack of trust he has in you is strange after dating for 2 years
Yep. Something ain’t right. Confront him again if he lies a second time. Pack your shit. We don’t deserve that as women.
Nope. Red Flag. Privacy is one thing but secrecy is another. His own words paint a picture of doubt and deceit. I’m sorry you should step back and take a big view of your relationship
Same!!!! Minus me using his computer but i’m literally going through this right now.
My signifcant other did this 4 years into our relationship. I found out they were looking up how to be better in bed and watching porn to learn how to please me. They were too embarrassed to tell me and felt that it was an invasion of their privacy. Now the social media thing is kind of weird. My SO always let me see their soc. and vice-versa. No passwords or codes.
If they have nothing to hide they have nothing to hide. Sounds like there is something he wants to hide.
When I was a kid my parents would search through all of my things constantly for no reason. I’m taking my closet, my drawers, my phone, eavesdropping on private conversations with my friends, etc. Now, I’m extremely protective of my privacy and my belongings. If you’ve been looking through his stuff for no reason, you’ve brought this on yourself
you need more evidence than this to determine if he’s cheating. Evidence does not require snooping or invading privacy even though there are people who would advocate doing so. Just put this incident in your back pocket and move forward. If he is cheating, he’ll do other things that you will question. Most of which will be disrespectful to you! At which point you’ll have enough evidence based on his behavior alone to call it.
Enjoy your relationship! You’re not supposed to have anxiety about things like this, relax and let it add up on its own.
I’m afraid it’s a red flag.
the best way to go about this is sit down and communicate. if he continues to get defensively angry, he may be hiding something either embarrassing or a potential cheating. if he remains calm when you talk to him about you thinking he is cheating, and tries to find solutions on how to rebuild that trust, then it could be nothing serious. just communicate and be observant of his behavior.
I think it’s off.
Him wiping his history etc would not be that weird, i am not cheating or looking up some weird kind of porno but i definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable giving my search history to my partner though, i don’t know just feels weird. Maybe he’s just vulnerable like that.
What’s concerning is the argument that he started when you said you found it odd. Aggressive defensiveness is usually a sign of someone cornered, people lash out because they don’t want to or cannot come up with legitimate excuses for their behavior on the spot, so they flip the narrative and project towards the other person, you in this situation.
I think you have every right to feel concerned. But not because of him wiping the laptop clean, but because of the unnecessary argument that followed
Listen to your gut
I disagree with many of the others here. I see red flags. In my relationship we have open communication and our social media is there for the other to look at – whenever. No search histories are cleared. No accounts are logged out of. If he asks me not to look at something I would respect it yet expect a reason. Secrets are breeding grounds for contempt, resentment, insecurity, and a myriad of other negative things.
I promise you that the person you’re meant to be with will not keep secrets. Not even about their kinks. If they bitch about you to a friend and they’re an honest person and you do see it – you would hopefully see an expression of love, frustration and hurt.
I think that just knowing you can look at it (social media, pictures, whatever) if you’re ever feeling doubtful, helps. Just having knowledge of the access – going both ways – can give great relief to an anxious person. Plus. Trust. It’s a truly beautiful thing.
I had a boyfriend ALWAYS offer me to go through his phone, and i always declined as i believed it showed lack of trust.
He also used to tell me he was going to a friend called Steven’s house, and would ask me if i wanted pictures of him at steven’s to prove his whereabouts (without me asking, he knew i had trust issues from my past) and i’d always say no i trust you.
Turns out he was cheating on me, and was not at someone called Steven’s house he was at another girls house.
Point of my story is to tell you to go with your gut instinct, him offering you his phone means nothing, he probably knows you will decline, or if he is offering it means he has already removed what he needs to in order for you to not find anything when he comes round to offering you the phone, a lot of cheaters are clever and premeditated in hiding it, so always trust what you truly believe. If your gut is telling you he’s cheating on you, trust it
I am a private person; my parents invaded my privacy over and over again as a child and now as a married adult I like some things to just be mine. I don’t like being “checked on” like I’m a child even though I have nothing to hide (although I also don’t love my hubby seeing my porn history lol). You need to have an open, honest convo with your bf about your past and why this is triggering for you but also listen to what he says without judgement and consider its merit. The fact that he told you he was doing it and also offered to let you go through his phone during your argument would lead me to believe he doesn’t have anything shady going on. If you truly trust him to be faithful to you, let him have his privacy. If you have other reasons to be concerned, maybe it’s time to evaluate if your relationship is viable.
It’s hard to say if he is. It’s obviously is a red flag to a degree. But it doesn’t have to be.
I’d bring it up to him in a manner which is like “when you did that it comes across as you were doing things and saying things that would upset me. That would give me concern. Can you see how that could come across? Can you understand that it’s not a good look? I don’t ask to look through your phone or computer. But when you do this it makes me feel like you’re guilty of something” and see what happens. Their reaction there will tell you everything.