I’ll just be honest:
It’s been a while since I’ve been actively social. I used to be an extrovert but now I feel like one of the biggest introverts ever. When I was 12, I used to be able to just talk to anyone for hours, but now that I’m 15, I’m terrified of speaking to people or having a friendly conversation because of the fear of me messing up or them thinking that I’m boring and that they’ll eventually stop talking to me, screw it, even I’m scared of posting this to reddit. I’ve basically lost all my friends over the pandemic and when I tried texting some of them again, I felt so boring and just couldn’t carry the conversation. I’ve been so desperate to the point where I’ve spent at least 3 hours just searching for resources to build better social skills, but it’s like I’m unable to apply it when I actually need it.
Here’s an example of a (short-lived) conversation I had with a friend:
* **Them**: i really cant wait for umbrella academy season 3
* **Me**: i completely forgot about that show – how long has it been since season 2 released?
* **Them**: i think the last episode of season 2 came out mid 2020, so basically 2 years already
* **Me**: i hope this will turn out well, i remember thinking about how disappointed i would be if stranger things season 4 turned out to be terrible, considering how long it took to make, thank god it was great. i hope umbrella academy s3 gives the same wow factor
* **Them**: yeah, i hope so too.
* **Me**: …
* **Them**: …
As I said, it really was short lived. There was a couple of messages before this to lead to that topic, but you get the point. Obviously not all my attempted conversations are related to the same topic, they just all end similarly. This was an example of my most recent one.
What would you do in this situation, or actually any situation to carry a more interesting conversation that isn’t dry? How do you recover from having a loss of words or not knowing what to say?
Edit: Thank you so much for the tips, I’ve gained a lot more confidence! All I need to do now is to try and do it.
3 comments
I am also wondering
Two ways, zoom in or zoom out.
Zoom in: narrow down details, this gives more depth to the conversation. Talk about what you like about umbrella academy, ask their opinion on it, mention something you remembered from the show.. etc.
Zoom out: this is how you broaden the conversation, and you can use it to switch topics. Bring up another show you like, ask if they are watching anything else, talk about anything else you are looking forward too, or what either of you do in your spare time other than watching TV shows.
Don’t worry if you mess this up and you realise what you said didn’t really relate to what was said before. People don’t care.
Also, sometimes conversation is just dry. Think about why you want to speak to this person, is there something you want to learn more about from them? Maybe there is an opinion you want to share? Keep this intention in mind, it gives your conversations direction and relevance. If you realise you don’t really know why you want to speak to them, then accept that the conversation will be small talk, and nothing more. There is nothing wrong with that.
Conversations are supposed to be natural and not scripted, but I can still give you some tips.
First of all, it’s important to read the situation and consider that the other party might not be in the mood to talk. When they only reply with short answers, maybe they are just not interested. Remember that the other party should also put some effort into the conversation.
But when you’re certain they’re down for talking, simply speak what comes to mind. In your example, you could ask for opinions on the shows or talk about other shows, about how shitty or good netflix has become or change the topic entirely.
Let’s say your friend went on a camping trip last week, so you could say “Anyway, how was your trip btw?” and then ask follow up questions, like how was the weather, the area etc.
To not make it seem like an interview, always tell about yourself when you can relate, for example “ah yes I remember when I was on a camping trip that one time…”, but ofc, don’t overdo talking about yourself.
And again, it’s important to read the situation here: If he just says “good” so then you ask about the weather and again he just says “was fine” then consider that he doesn’t really want to talk about the trip. Change the topic here.
If there’s nothing like a camping trip or a common interest or anything you knew you could talk about, asking what they’re doing (in life), what they did today or this week and what their plans are for today or the future usually works. As a last resort you can always talk about the weather because everyone can relate.
Most people have some topic where they’re really enthusiastic about and if you manage to find it, you barely even need to say anything to continue the conversation.
As a last tip relating to your example: If you end with a statement and the other party doesn’t continue the conversation or gives an answer like “I hope so too”, just follow up with a question to continue the conversation.
Hope that helps.