I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 3 years now. He expresses that he wants sex to be good for me and asks about things I want to try–which I appreciate. But he doesn’t really follow through and sometimes says that he doesn’t understand what he can do differently. He also tends to get defensive if it sounds like I’m being critical.
Part of the issue is that he seems completely and totally averse to using his mouth. He’s performed oral once in over a year, while I do it very, very often. He once told me this is because he gets cold sores (aka herpes) and is afraid he could get one without knowing and spread it to me. I am very understanding, so I don’t push it (though our first sexual encounter was him going down on me + he did it quite a bit spontaneously during the first few months of us dating…idk why things changed). We also never kiss. No pecks, no making out, nothing. When we first started dating, we did both, even outside of sex. Eventually it was just during sex–then sometimes during sex–then never. I genuinely could not tell you the last time I kissed this man and I assume it has to do with the same reason I don’t get oral.
My solution would be to do different foreplay then, but if I feel like expressing this bluntly (as I’ve sort of done in the past) makes him think I’m criticizing him for having a health condition. So I’m just sort of stuck with the same old foreplay, which is 90% of the time focused on him, because I don’t know how to tell him I want to do something, *anything* different and more focused on me. I guess I just don’t know how to be gentle about a subject as personal as this. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, though, and make him feel like he’s just flat out bad at sex–so how do you talk to a partner openly about needs without making them defensive/hurt?
2 comments
He caught herpes a few months after you started dating 😬?
The virus responsible for cold sores, the herpes simplex 1 virus, is all but certainly in your system. Works wide about 2/3rds of all adults over 50 have it and up to 80% of adults in the USA.
If it is fear of illness, he needs to let it go.
If he talks a good game but fails to deliver, he needs to decide to change his mindset about this.
You can talk with a therapist and learn some new communication skills or invite him to couples therapy but he needs to understand that you are serious about wanting things to change.
Since he is defensive to your politely worded discussion, you might try being direct instead. He will respond defensively but you will know that he got the message for sure.
People often respond defensively when they know they are in the wrong.
Good luck.