I’ve noticed a flaw just recently that has been been destroying my ability to make friends or talk to people. My ability to talk and converse to someone is always based on my perception of them. If I think they are below me or on the same level”loser”. I will have no issue with speaking to them, asking them stuff and small talk. But the moment I have the perception they are better than me (I see they have a lot of friends or are socially better) I fumble and the perception of just ruins it and I get intimidated.
This happens alot when I meet someone for the first time and don’t perceive anything im okay, but then boom. Its seriously such a restricting mindset and I wanna change my outlook and stop doing this, and it might sound easy as in “just imagine everyone is equal to you” but I can’t for some reason.
I swear sometimes I really wanna be friends with someone at first when I perceive we’re on the same level, so I wanna approach them. But then I instantly get intimidated once I find out they are “cool”, or actually have a friend group. Does anyone know a rationalize my brain and fix this dumb thing
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Slap yourself everytime you have that biased feeling. In all seriousness, you’re brain needs to be rewired, so that everytime you have thoughts like that, you can just push them away or change the thought. These people are also just human beings. Just because they may look cooler in your eyes, doesn’t mean they are inhuman. These people will have a favorite food like the losers, they will have their own pet peeves, their own cute little manners. Everyone is special and you have to make sure you know that. Life is not a race about who is the coolest, they don’t care whether or not you’re cool. If people click, they click. You should worry about who you click with and not with how much cooler they may or may not be. Good luck OP
I use to think j suffered from this but then I realized it’s more so when I’m around people who I personally hold highly or I fear to disappoint in any way
Fucking same bro
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Haha same shit unfortunately
You know the saying “never meet your hero’s”? Because when you do you’re severely disappointed by how rude / messed up they are. The people you idolize have tons of imperfections, you just don’t always see them.
Realise everybody is fucked up they just hide it better than you do. or you dont know they are fucked up but they are
Sounds like it could be narcissism? Would advise seeking a professional therapist for help not the internet.
I feel like this as well, less since I’ve gotten older but if I feel like if someone is “above” me then I won’t talk to them.
I don’t feel superior to other people I feel inferior to the point I don’t like talking to others.
Dude same I just couldn’t explain it like you did. My job requires me to be in charge, direct people, and make decisions, but then as soon as I’m out of work persona it’s like I shrink. I feel stupid, and small, and unlikable and I can’t hold a conversation like I’m my true self unless the person I’m speaking to is on the same level or yeah, ‘below me’.
And it’s not narcissism, I think it’s more to do with having an inferiority complex. I don’t feel so inferior if someone’s on my same level.
I had the same problem but i know why I used to do that. Try to analyze how you judge or label them as someone higher, lower or same as you. From what I see, I think being more social is what defines the levels for you? If I’m right. That basically means you’re insecure about your ability of being social. So when you see someone more socially active than you, you get intimidated.
For me it was confident and extroverted people. I can never become friends with them. I can easily connect with awkward people like me or maybe less extroverted people.
To get over this, you need to improve the things that intimidates you. Being social intimidates you, then work on your social skills. Being confident intimidates you, become more confident yourself. Someone smart intimidates you, get smarter or fake it till you make it 😉
At end of the day, you don’t necessarily have to be friends with them but you should be able to talk to them atleast.
I used to have the same issue as you but watching this video on how to be confident really helped change the mindset I have: https://youtu.be/0Tk82hEHNnY
Hopefully it works the same with you!
You may be doing that because you unconsciously feel like you’re not worth their time. In that case you should realize that these “cool” people don’t want to be avoided or worshipped. They want to be talked to, called by their names, cared for and listened to just like you do. You should realise that by talking to them, you aren’t wasting their time. Everyone wants validation and it doesn’t matter who they get it from, as long as it’s genuine.
I’ve had the same issue. I have no problem talking to people at my level or lower at work. In fact, I feel really confident! But once I talk to my boss or anyone higher than me, I turn into a bumbling mess. I become this meek person who suddenly can’t form sentences and is afraid to approach. Even if I have an urgent question. I’m trying to work on it but something that I have found, even with my direct bosses, is if I focus on one of their quirks that I deem “odd” then it knocks them back a level in my subconscious and I’m more comfortable in conversation. I once had a boss who would only eat pb&J’s for lunch, as a grown adult, so every-time I started to feel like the bumbling looser I would think about how weird it would be to only eat PB&J’s… I was able to feel more like they are a normal human and I could approach. Maybe if you focus on their eccentricities it might make them seem more on your level? Just throwing it out there as an idea?
Take it as a challenge. In high school, i played music and had long hair but i was outgoing as fuck and liked to BS with the jocks and stuff. I didnt have much common ground with the popular rich kids, but most of the regular ass kids and i got along fine.
If you perceive someone as “above you,” be like “im going to conquer this situation.” Wow them. If its a challenge, conquer it.
As for people being below you, i know youre already kinda getting roasted for it, but no one is “below” anyone else. Theres no actual social totem pole. Youre all just people. Enjoy being young and talk to each other.
That’s just your perception. They can be a supermodel, but they still might like pineapple on pizza.
The “imagine them in their underwear” advice never did anything for me, but perhaps you can find something similar that makes them seem more normal, less perfect in your mind.
There is no class and no status.
SAME!!! I thought I was the only who struggled with this…
I read your opening statement and gave up, I don’t want to talk to you because I don’t know where I fit in your food chain.
I experienced the same, but then I came to realize that a lot of people put on a facade of a greater standing or are perceived better than what they truly feel/are. I don’t know if it’s healthy to think that way, but it steadied my communication with nearly all people.
We all are more concerned with the approval of people of a higher social status than us, despite what people may say. There’s a hierarchy of status in every room and we all subconsciously know the ranking. Which is why most people get nervous, to some degree, when in the vicinity of a celebrity or public figure. It’s a natural feeling. I feel this way sometimes. It’s very easy to talk to some nerd and dominate the conversation, but it’s more difficult talking to someone with more status. The best way to solve this is to increase your status, or you can start seeking to talk to higher status people to become more comfortable with it.
All I’m going to say is look up the concept of transactional analysis and see if that rings some bells. I was having the same problem and that concept changed my life
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I’ve done this too, sometimes consciously, often subconsciously, although I think it’s less of a problem for me now. In fact, for some reason, I think this is common. There must be a name for this bias.
It might just be a self esteem issue and you not thinking that you’re ‘worthy’ enough to talk this person who you think is better.
People are people. No one is below or above you. We all take a bullet the same way
Exactly the same
Literally same
I feel this. I have gotten somewhat past this as I get older but for me it was often about finances and functional families. I felt like I couldn’t fit in with the kids that weren’t on reduced cost lunches or took family vacations and had professional haircuts. I also just happened to have a high percentage of substance abuse, domestic abuse, and broken homes in my friend group. In college, I got a scholarship to a private school and somehow, all us low/mid class students with jobs ended up in the same groups, never mingling too much with the kids that had trust funds. At a party where I felt overwhelmed and like a smile didn’t come too naturally, I’d see someone alone off on the side and that would be who I connected with. At work, I ended up bonding best with the coworker everyone thought was crazy or the one people gossiped about behind their back. There is nothing wrong with these people! I’m so happy to have found people I could connect with, who didn’t make me feel less-than. But the truth is, it was often low confidence that made me worry that “the others” would judge my clothes or background or awkwardness, etc and that mental block really keeps us from connecting with people and enjoying life and the situations we get put in to their fullest potential. One thing that helped me was to remember that the kids born to wealthy homes, were not themselves successful yet. And they didn’t ask to be born to that family any more than I did mine. And at work, I see people across the pay scale getting way more and way less than they are worth, now that I’ve been around long enough to recognize it. Ever get super nervous for a test, or interview, or meeting a new person, and then later realize that you had been overthinking it? I remind myself of this feeling often. Scared to talk to someone? Imagine it were a friend you hadn’t met yet and how silly it would be to be afraid of them or risk not knowing them. Personally, I hate doing it, but the more I push myself to be social, the easier it comes. The more I let myself withdraw, the more nervous I am to do the simplest things. Just take the first step and then worry about taking the next one when you get there.
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Maybe it’s just people who you feel you can relate to. It’s hard to converse with people whom you don’t relate well. Your perception is that people you relate to are losers and thats because you’re suffering a little bit with some low self-esteem but these people you hold in high regard or think are better than you, are not…you just can’t relate to them for whatever reason- different interests, different background, different lifestyle etc.
I feel you. I’ve had a fear of authority figures since I was a child (thanks Mom and Dad). One of my professors is only three years older than me, yet I’m terrified to be myself around him due to his position of authority.
It’s cliché but has helped me in the past – Imagine everyone in their underwear or on the toilet!