Basically the title, we all know the ideals of ‘you should always be able to open up to your gf and most girls will tell you that they want that’, but actions speak louder than words. In my personal experience, opening up to romantic interests has always backfired. I’ve talked to other men about this and most have similar experiences, with only a few having had or currently have a gf who they successfully opened up to.
It seems that even opening up to a gf of months or years more often than not backfires, they become distant, then break things off. I want a gf I can open up to and vice versa due to the genuine, emotional intimacy it provides, but am not exactly a catch myself (average looking, not rich etc.). So, how realistic is this desire to have a gf you can open up to?
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I’m average looking and not rich, and my wife and I have been very open with eachother since very early on in our relationship. In my opinion, if you are dating someone who is unwilling to be a person you can open up to than it’s not a relationship worth having.
If the two of you can not be open than you can only casually date. Nothing beyond that can be successful
If you want to open up get a therapist. Opening up to your girlfriend will only give her ammunition to use against you, hurting you in the future. Sad, I used to not think this way.
It’s what you should strive for, more than anything, especially looks, open and honest communication makes for happy marriages and relationships. I want to be with someone who makes me smile and who I can talk too about anything. However it’s not easy, I’ve had my heart torn apart more than 12 times. (I stopped counting at 12) And honestly every time I feel myself getting closer and closer to being done. But after knowing what a happy healthy relationship feels like, I wont accept anything less. It’s not easy but its very possible.
If you can’t be open with her she not the one my guy. It’s not “realistic” it’s a bare minimum requirement.
What you gotta consider though is the energy you bring. Like I’ll tell you my wife absolutely crumples if I come at her angry. If I raised my voice to her it’d almost be the same as slapping her across the face. Just not gonna work. So when she frustrates me I need to take a moment and get myself out of that angry/frustrated headspace and approach her with a much calmer, “let’s talk this out” energy. I can absolutely tell her “when you did X it was frustrating to me because Y” and she will listen to that absolutely.
When you open up about your problems you can’t have a defeatist or victim attitude. It’s ok to be upset, sad, angry, burdened, etc with life. Life is hard and then we die. But when you’re feeling any/all of those things it’s gotta be through the lens of you are ultimately the master of your own fate.
Also, I think it helps to get this to be a two-way street. Ask her what’s going on in her life and talk about that first. As she shares her burdens listen to them and affirm her feelings and then you can share what’s going on with you too.
Don’t settle for a gf who won’t let you. Unless you’re both just looking for a FWB to pound it out.
I’ve had two girlfriends in my lifetime and both were varying experiences.
My ex would always say she wanted me to open up to her, but whenever I did she gave me advice or thoughts that she would want to hear or what she wanted me to be. She played down things that she didn’t want to consider a big deal and exaggerated things that were important for her. It made me not want to share things with her and not be my true self.
My current girlfriend is completely different. She never forces me to open up to her, but when she knows I need to talk about something, she’ll make herself available to talk and ask what I need, what I want, if I don’t wanna talk right there, then that’s cool we’ll do something else until I’m ready to. When I talk, she’ll listen, she’ll understand and she’ll empathise with me and help me figure out why something is wrong. She’ll offer to help me, she’ll offer to get things for me, she’ll distract me if that’s what I want, but whatever it is she’ll keep the focus on me and make sure that I’m comfortable and looked after.
But it goes both ways, if I want to be able to share with her, she should feel comfortable sharing with me. Everything she does for me, I need to also do for her. She’s sad? Ok well what does she need right now? How can I help her? How can I make her feel safe confiding in me? So that’s kinda it really, if you want to feel safe in opening up to a girlfriend you need to create an environment with honest communication where you’re both safe to share.
If you can’t open up to a woman she’s not for you.
My woman is my best friend, we’ve been best friends for nearly a decade. I tell her literally everything and I assume (with great confidence) she tells me everything too.
Absolutely do not settle for anything less my guy
When you open up women they are like men insofar that they give advice. But when women open up they want their decisions validated. When you open up to women they want their advice to be followed.
With that in mind; don’t ask women for advice. Tell them what happened with the 5Ws. Make sure you use confident phrases when it comes to decisions. Consider ‘I can’t make up my mind’ versus ‘I haven’t decided yet’.
First of all, an issue with opening up emotionally is that many men want emotional labour from women, but are not willing to offer their girlfriend or wife emotional labour. So yeah, if you want to open up and want emotional support, only do so if you are able to offer your partner emotional support when she needs it.
Too many men dump all their emotions on a woman, while she might not always have the energy to deal with heavy stuff. And unfortunately, most men would not be there for their partner if she dumps all her emotions on him.
If a man is not willing to offer emotional labour to a woman, he should not complain if the woman is unwilling to give him emotional labour. When it comes to emotional labour in a relationship, it should be a two way street.
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That being said, how realistic it is that you can open up without it backfiring? That depends on the woman. Different women have different preferences.
Some women want emotionless tough guy ‘masculinity’ while others don’t. And the ones who do might not inherently want that. They are taught to only accept pure ‘masculinity’ because of patriarchy teaching her that ‘masculinity’ is superior. And sadly, showing emotions is seen as ‘unmasculine’ in patriarchy.
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Personally, I don’t fit the male gender role at all. Women who want a macho dude would most likely not be interested in me. However, not all women want that.
For example… My girlfriend doesn’t like machos. She is bisexual, and is not just attracted to ‘masculine’ traits only. She also appreciates ‘feminine’ traits.
I offer both something ‘masculine’ (I am dominant in bed) and something ‘feminine’ (my behaviour, not fitting the male gender role). My girlfriend likes that combination of ‘masculinity’ and ‘femininity’. So yeah, if I open up and don’t act ‘masculine’, she does not desexualize me. She is fine with me not acting ‘masculine’, since she is also capable of being attracted to less ‘masculine’ people and traits. She is bi with a preference for men, she says it’s 70/30. The people she mostly tends to be attracted to? Men who also offer some ‘femininity’ and not just ‘masculinity’.
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I put the words ‘masculinity’ and ‘femininity’ between quotation marks because I don’t believe in inherently ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’ traits or behaviour. Gender roles say that being emotionless is ‘masculine’ and that empathy and emotions are ‘feminine’. However, I don’t believe that certain behaviour and certain traits are ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’. They are human traits that are unfairly gendered because of patriarchy.
I don’t believe that showing emotion and opening up is ‘unmasculine’ or ‘feminine’. To me, these are human behaviour and human traits. However, sadly, we live in a society where most people do believe that this is ‘not masculine’ and ‘feminine’, thanks to patriarchal gender roles.
Most people don’t even open up to themselves. You can’t expect them to accept others for what they are before they accept themselves. This is partly why it’s so hard to find good partners. But it’s definitely not impossible.
I’ll be honest it’s realistic…depending on what you decide to open up about. Open about how you’re sad that your grandmother passed? That should be fine, unless you’re dating a psychopath who despises emotional displays. Want to cry about something? It’s gonna end bad more often than not and I really hope that’s just a product of only hearing about the bad experiences.
Here’s the key to finding a girlfriend that you can open up to. Be open from the very first moment you talk. If you sent the precedent that you aren’t open that’s what she’s going to expect and whether she’s okay with that or she likes that about you, that’s what she expects. So when you do open up it’s totally out of left field and both of you are already invested.
But if you’re open and honest from the start she knows what she’s in for. And if she’s not about it you’ll know to avoid her before committing. But if she is about it you found what your looking for.
Just like every other area of yourself, you have to present an honest picture of who you are early on.
Pretty easy, mainly because they want all the dirt on you so they can use it against you at any given moment.
Very. The real question should be “how MUCH should I open up.” You have to be very careful about opening up to a woman about insecurities or doubts in yourself. Women like to SAY that they want a man to open up to them about these things, and about all their feelings, but they don’t.
Any real gf should be one you can open up to.
IMO, it all comes down to how bad it is, as in what you want to share. I’m conditioning myself to understand that there are things no one should know.
I’ve had my part of getting my own words used against me. I prefer remaining single.
My experience is that men will open to someone who they think actually listens and cares. Also we’re generally pretty private people. My friends and I are incredibly open with each other and there are things they’ve told me i will never repeat.
Nothing makes me more hesitant than a girl I’m dating spilling all these incredibly personal things about her friends and their boyfriends. How am I really to trust what I’m saying stays between us?
Also I’ve called out my female friends and people I’ve dated into rethinking their stereotypes about women being better communicators and listeners. I’ve asked them if they understand how their partner opens up to them and if they genuinely listen and empathise with their issues. Or if they personalise things they consider to be criticisms of them and become defensive. And if they expect their guy relationships to be like their female relationships.
For all the people telling you not to accept anything less – you do just need to be aware there are a bunch of women out there who can’t handle dealing with your problems. Inevitably a lot of those are married so there are plenty of men out there who don’t have it as a bare minimum already. That doesn’t mean it’s right, but you at least need to be aware your choice will mean those women are excluded
That said, you should absolutely try and find someone you can be open with. The challenge is that you may not really know until you really need her. So just make sure you’re not having any expectations of her that will end up hurting you
Guage her empathy. Many women who lack empathy and/or exhibit narcissistic behaviors are more likely to manipulate and use your vulnerabilities against you.
Empathetic women are less likely to use your insecurities against you in a malicious way because they have a higher potential for authenticity.
If you really want to test this, try being vulnerable in small ways that won’t shatter your heart or soul. Things like buying you a coffee because you forgot your wallet at home. Asking her to help you carry something heavy together. Or giving you a massage because you pulled a muscle.
These are small requests and only a few examples that show you being vulnerable. If she gets angry or annoyed at these simple tasks, it means she probably won’t respect you when you truly are vulnerable to her.
Hit or miss but those girls are out there. Several of my exes were very open to me opening up like that. One of them said she wished I opened up more than I did but honestly I don’t usually have that much emotion so I didn’t have more to share.
But I’ve dated girls where it just feels.. off. Never backfired but just never felt like they’d be receptive.
The very idea keeps me far away from the idea of human companionship.
I’m not too fond of the idea of telling a potential romantic interest that I have mental health issues. That seems like a very unwise idea.
Basically very unrealistic. Women find opening up very unattractive, and will reject and break up with you
I think it takes time? I don’t want that kind of relationship and I don’t sleep with the same woman more than 3 times. But if I bluntly open up with 100% honesty to the girl that I just met the first time or a few week ago, all my interest is just about sex. I just only want to have sex and am not interested in other things or even don’t know what we could do. So I can’t be too honest or open up. But if I’m in a relationship for a long time like a decade, I would know about her so would get more things to share aside from sex and just trust that she might understand me even if I open up. Sorry bad explanation. In short, I think we take time to open up everything to the partner.
It’s not easy. My wife and I were married for ten years before I opened up.
It doesn’t mean women are bad. My wife had trust issues. A lot of women do. It took a long time to overcome those trust issues. Until she fully trusts you, it will be risky to open up for two reasons:
1. By opening up, you make it clear to her that you were hiding something before.
2. She will wonder what else you’ve been hiding.
This is kind of a complicated question to answer. In my opinion, it is impossible. But there’s a lot of caveats behind it for any of this to make sense.
The time when I needed support the most was also the time that I was the most immature and inept. I was having a lot of difficulty regarding finding work. There was a lot of family situations going on. In short, there was just a lot of instability in my life trying to balance career, my parents, etcetera and etcetera. Girls weren’t really interested in that mess and my relationship at the time with someone who is genuinely a good person basically fell through. Not going to say that I was perfect throughout all of that, I certainly wasn’t. Point being that through that time when I wasn’t in the best spot, my relationship fell through and I was toxic to everyone else.
A lot of time has passed (about 10 years in fact). I’ve gotten a lot better. Some of the family stuff is still there but I’ve got a better handle on what I need to do to career wise, what I need to do for my mental health, what I need to do to take care of my parents. Things are different. All my ducks are lined up in a row. I’ve just developed into a much more competent person. Can I be more, “open,” with my significant other? Of course. I tell her things all the time. Things are great.
The real doozy of a question is, if I was that person I was ten years ago, could I be the same level of, “open,” with my current significant other? With my current girlfriend I can gripe about work. But there is still a strong sense of stability there. With my previous ones I was at the time of, “Listen I’m half considering working on an oil rig at this point but I’ll at least get to see you one week a month.” Not really sure how many girls would be in your corner regarding that.
When you say, “Open with your girlfriend.” It comes with a lot of other questions. At the end of the day the way I see it, nobody is going to 100% be in your corner. There’s a limit to everyone. Asking for, “Open and supportive,” has its limits. You still need to do a lot of leg work yourself making sure all your ducks are in a row. Maybe when one of our ducks is out of line, the supportive girlfriend nudges it back into line. But nobody is going to put up with being a 100% mess.
What probably sucks more is realizing that the people who need help the most are the ones who get it the least. But that’s just how the world works.
It’s realistic, but it’s also very uncommon and very likely that you won’t.
Well anything is possible but the odds might be against you on this one sadly
Not. At. All.
If a girl is dating you and is committed to you and tells you she cares about you, you GOTTA *not* open up.
Girls in committed relationships with someone they care about **HATE** *nothing* more than when that man opens up to them. Just bottle up all your feelings and when that gets too hard break stuff and yell at the stars and moon. It’s the American way! (This is a joke)
If you start open then you’ll always know before how they handle that stuff. If you feel you can’t be open until you have someone on the proverbial hook, then perhaps the issue lies more within than without.
99.99% bad idea. Based in my exes. 😆
I think there are many women you can open up to. change your surroundings if you finde none
If you’re in a relationship and you can’t open of to your SO, you’re not in a very good relationship.