My wife and I (both 35) have been together for 10 years. We generally have a great relationship.
My MIL and SFIL have been together for about 15 years. MIL is not a nice person in general but the way she treats and talks to SFIL has always bothered me. I don’t like MIL as a person but have always been kind and friendly with her
About a week ago, SFIL called my wife and told her that MIL was cheating on him again (previous time was about 3 years ago and they decided to work through it) and that they are going to separate because he is tired of being treated like this and having to kiss her ass. The main thing he talked about was wanting to keep in touch with us and that he’s still just 1 phone call away. We’ve always had a great relationship with him so this makes perfect sense.
I could hear the entire conversation and felt sick to my stomach for SFIL. I felt angry that MIL couldn’t just be a decent person and end the relationship before moving on.
MIL doesn’t know that SFIL called or that we know anything. My wife decided that she was just going to sit on the information for a few days and not respond or engage, which I thought was a really good idea. I understand that it’s not really our business, even though this information had been thrust upon us.
Well Friday my MIL called and my wife went into another room and shut the door to have a conversation. I did hear that MIL is still planning a trip to see us this summer and their house is going on the market when their mortgage comes up for renewal in August. At the end of the call, my wife came out of the room with it on speaker phone. MIL said “hey OP” like she was the cheeriest happiest person. I gave back a very unenthusiastic “hi” that I will admit sounded rude.
As soon as my wife hung up, she lost it on me. She went to the bedroom and slammed the door about 8 times. I was confused honestly. So during the argument that followed, here are some of the key points
– SFIL is weak and pathetic for airing their dirty laundry and that it’s none of our business
– SFIL is manipulating us to feel sympathetic towards him and wife is pissed off that it worked on me
– Wife thinks they’re both idiots and is angry at them both equally
– Wife thinks we are supposed to pretend we don’t know this information
– Wife now needs to explain my rude behavior to MIL
– Wife thinks I’m making this more difficult on her and that I’m inconsiderate
I honestly thought this was a wild overreaction. Especially the part about SFIL being weak for wanting to talk about what happened. I’ve had friends confess their issues with partners infidelity and would never shame them for it. I also didn’t know we were supposed to pretend we don’t know. Had my wife communicated this with me, I would have said “hi” in a better tone.
I apologized to my wife multiple times. I told my wife that I would call or text MIL and apologize for my short response and tell her I was just in a bad mood about “sports team” or something along those lines. It didn’t have to be about MIL at all, especially when she doesn’t think I know anything about their marital situation anyway.
There has been no further discussion on this. We hardly spoke all day Saturday and I’m worried today will be the same. I feel like I’m at a complete loss of anything else to do or say other than continuing to apologize. I understand my wife may be processing this information differently and could be having a rough time, but she’s not talking about it with me.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
TLDR: Wife is upset and thinks I’m inconsiderate regarding MILs infidelity
30 comments
Honestly, it sounds like your wife is processing it, but also probably embarrassed and upset at her mother. I don’t think you need to apologize any further. Your wife did overreact in my opinion, but I realize she is upset. However there seems to be a big communication issue between you guys. Has it always been like this? Do you have kids together?
I think you have bigger problems because someone who is the ok with cheating is probably a cheater themselves. Plus your wife was raised by a cheater. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, it probably will sorry to say.
Why are you apologizing to your wife? You did nothing wrong. Also big red flag wave from your wife for calling your SFIL weak, pathetic, and manipulative. Ask her how he was responsible for her mother cheating on him twice. Pay attention to her answer so you’ll understand when she does it to you.
If MIL discussed selling the house she probably also discussed them getting divorced. Ask your wife for details of her conversation with her mother. Guarantee she manipulated the facts to make herself look like some kind of victim.
Personally if I was in your position I would be having a serious discussion with my wife about her reaction because it is not normal.
You are not the one who is in the wrong here.
You shouldn’t apologize to your wife like that. She threw a temper tantrum, and it worked. Think about this objectively. Tell her to grow up and behave like an adult. Your MIL is the one in the wrong.
I honestly feel like this is emotional abuse on your wife’s part. Maybe you need marriage counseling. But basically the relationship dynamic seems to be that she is the one who is in charge, and you meekly go along with whatever she decides, and she uses these tantrums as a weapon to gaslight you and make you apologize.
*”I apologized to my wife multiple times. I told my wife that I would call or text MIL and apologize for my short response and tell her I was just in a bad mood about “sports team” or something along those lines.”*
Wow…why would you apologise? Seems to me that you are not standing up for yourself and your beliefs.
Seems like your wife and MIL are in control of your household. Your wife is repeating the same behavior that your MIL did to her Ex and STBXH.
Either youre leaving info out or your MIL is a glimpse into the future of what life will be like with your wife if you dont run
What? You’re supposed to act like nothing is wrong when you know MIL treated her husband like crap and cheated multiple times?
Tell your wife you’ll explain your behavior to MIL yourself. “Hi, MIL. Sorry I was so short with you the other day. I didn’t realize we were supposed to pretend we didn’t know you cheated on your husband again. Next time I’ll fake more enthusiasm.”
This is the woman who raised your wife, and she’s clearly just like her. Gonna be honest I’d be very concerned with your future based on her behaviour. She’s ok with cheating, and if you have kids with her , she’ll make sure they take her side when she does it.
Stop apologising, your sfil is an example of what happens when you let a woman like this walk all over you and break you repeatedly.
I think the balance of your own relationship are treading into dangerous waters if you’re expected to apologize to your wife for upholding your principles. And expected to apologize to her for not showing fake enthusiasm to someone who is an abusive cheater.
Sounds to me like your wife is bringing in her mother’s relationship dynamic into her own marriage.
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I personally think you should talk to your wife, ask her if she actually thinks her MIL’s behavior (cheating, abuse, degradation of her partner) is equally as bad as her SFIL (expressing unhappiness, showing weakness, seeking emotional support).
If the answer is yes, I would consider divorce very strongly. If you are strongly attached to your wife and don’t want that, at the bare minimum you should ask her to get therapy because it sounds like she has some really unhealthy ideas about relationships. And these unhealthy ideas have already spread at least partially to your own relationship.
Apologizing to your wife? Yeah next time you’re about to apologize when she cheats on you. Sad
Your wife is an AH
She slammed the door EIGHT times because you all you said was hi to her mother? This is a wild overreaction.
It sounds like your wife needs help. A normal person does not slam a door eight times. That’s more like a toddler having a tantrum.
You are the figurative SFIL. I’m not sure why this hasn’t occurred to you yet. Your wife is as horrible as her mom and you are being treated like a lapdog (same as SFIL).
This is also your future. Hopefully you don’t have kids.
No apology was necessary. When MIL comes, go visit your own family.
Like mother, like daugther… they both suck…
Your wife and MIL are batshit crazy. Don’t apologize to your cheating MIL. Ever!
Your wife just telegraphed to you, gave you a sneak preview to what she will do to you, to get you to be apologetic, if she engages in the same actions as her mother and makes the decision to ever step outside of her marriage on you.
Will you kowtow, cave, and capitulate, when it happens to you?
Your wife condones infidelity… full stop.
That should have been your takeaway.
It’s a huge red flag when someone is ok with a cheater. It means they think cheating is ok. You might want to think long and hard about this.
Let me get this straight. Your wife got upset with you and shut down because you were short with her mom. You were short with her mom because you found out that the mom cheated on her husband, again. Also, the mom isn’t showing any real remorse since she is saying that the cheated on spouse is just being weak.
Well, the spouse never should have allowed her back into his life after the first cheating episode but now, him standing up for himself and walking away, is definitely him flexing his muscles. Both your wife and her mother can pound sand on that one.
As for you, your wife does not get to tell you how you should feel when someone tells you they have been cheated on. You can feel however in the heck you want. Wife can pound sand on that one.
As for your wife, loving her mom and condoning bad behavior are not the same thing. The fact that your wife drank the Kool aid and agreed that the cheated on husband was just being weak and trying to cully favor, is a bad look for her. She can pound even more sand.
Don’t you dare apologize or make up a story about why you were short with the cheater. Your feelings are valid. You do not have to like what she did. Stand your ground on this one OP or you will find yourself falling for similar shit in your own relationship.
This is pretty worrying behaviour tbh.
Not only did your wife get hyper aggresive over nothing, how she spoke about the SFIL was… Gross.
Either your wife is just a legit shitty person, or her mom is manipulating her into acceptance. Either way, not a good look for someone who is married.
You can stay neutral and still not approve of something, but how your wife reacted is throwing up a lot of warning signs imo.
Since you’re acting as “weak” as SFIL maybe your wife is fucking someone else too
/I apologized to my wife multiple times./
You apologized for……….doing absolutely nothing wrong.
Turns out it’s not your SFIL who is “weak and pathetic,” it’s you. Your wife has shown she is no different than her mother–blaming everyone else for her own bad behavior–and you are falling all over yourself to be her doormat. You have seen your future. Don’t whine when she treats you as badly as her mother is treating her SO. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
The nut doesn’t fall far from the tree. Look at your MIL and then look at your wife’s reaction. This is your future.
Seems like shes learbed how to be just as awful as her mother. And when confronted with such a disgusting thing as cheating, for the 2nd time, she again chooses to side with her mother. She showed you her true colors in thay she could jot sympathize with a man who agreed to forgive and move forward in a marriage and was rewarded with being cheated on again. Thia is who she is. Like mother like daughter, you didnt kiss her ass so she threw a tantrum and no amount of apologizing will work. What happens if she views you as weak? Will she cheat on you? Probably
>As soon as my wife hung up, she lost it on me. She went to the bedroom and slammed the door about 8 times. I was confused honestly.
Wow. This is excessive.
>I feel like I’m at a complete loss of anything else to do or say other than continuing to apologize.
Oh I would suggest that you stop apologising. You have nothing to apologise for.
Your wife is naturally going to take her mother’s side over her step father. But there’s no need for her to fly off the handle with you.
You really fucked up by apologizing to anyone at all.
Your wife is demonstrating her priorities – empathize with the cheater at all cost.
Her choosing these priorities raises some questions about herself and her own fidelity.
Like mother like daughter
See this is what happened when you take a cheater back they don’t take it as “thank god I have a mother shot and I’ll do everything I can to not mess it up” instead you get “my stepfather is weak for airing thier dirty laundry” because that’s what her MIL thinks and he’s had to put up with that kinda bs to keep her ass happy.
People that say “why are you spreading out business “ are usually the shitty ones in the relationship. Your wife’s reaction might mean there is something murky in the water maybe or maybe not. A lot happened in that call that changed your wife’s whole view of the whole thing. Hopefully you don’t have kids tho.
I definitely feel like you shouldn’t have apologized for shit right then because your mil obviously was in control of the relationship and now you’re wife thinks the same shit with the way she’s acting, my guy have some self respect and put your foot down.
Why would you apologize? Your wife is gross.