My husband and I have a great sex life and we are very open, I am bisexual and he is straight. He loves buying sex toys for me and using them on me. There is really never a time that we have intercourse where he does not use a vibrator on me as well.
We have bought him penis pumps in the past which we would both enjoy because they would kind of get him “ready” for action.
But, for a few weeks he has been hinting about wanting to buy this vibrating sleeve. It’s not that I didn’t want him to buy it we just haven’t gotten around to it.
Yesterday we finally did and he was excited about it all day, I was too. So, later on after the kids were asleep we started fooling around and I asked him if he would like to try it out.
When it came time to use it his reaction to it was so obviously better than ANYTHING I have ever done for him, his thrusting into it and the moaning, it did not turn me on to see it- it actually kind of made me feel sick.
I pretended to cum so he would too and then quickly told him I was tired- I hardly slept though. All I keep thinking about was his reaction to this vibrating silicone toy and the horrible effect it’s having on me.
I want to move past this, I have never felt this way before from sex.
UPDATE: I spoke with my husband about it and he totally understood where I was coming from. Past relationships he has felt a little intimidated by toys and he doesn’t want me to feel that way. He offered to throw it out but I told him no fucking way, we’re trying it out again tonight. 🤘🏻
Also, thanks so much to everyone who advised me to speak with him and gave me some ice breakers on how to approach the subject since this was a first for me. That’s the kind of shit I was looking for when I wrote this in the first place (still can’t believe I did!). #love
29 comments
You’ve experienced the standard reaction/fear that most men go through when dealing with their partners using sextoys . The only difference here is that it’s pretty ingrained into everyone that women using toys is fine and often necessary, but men shouldn’t need them.
I could list the usual cliche’s that get given to men who have these insecurities: “it’s just a tool” “you shouldn’t be jealous of a peace of plastic” “isn’t it more important that he had a good time than your ego” “it’s designed to pleasure him , your not a machine” etc etc but they really never help. I’m not sure why people say it, it’s just continues to make people feel smaller about their insecurities. People need to understand you can’t shame someone into feeling better about a situation like this.
I don’t think there’s anything out of the ordinary with your response, it’s pretty natural to be worried your partner enjoys a toy more than you in these circumstances . What I will say is it’s probably not the case. Use your own experiences to help you here. You’ve used toys on yourself, you’ve shared them with him, so you want him any less? Do you care more about the toys than having sex with him , or is his presence just as important? Did you never want to have sex with him again after a toy blew your mind?
It was just an experience, and a new one at that. Surprise tends to lead to bigger reactions, if he’s never experienced anything similar he’s gonna react bigger. That toy can’t replace you and it won’t , just let him enjoy the experience like you always have with toys. Communicate your feelings (but try focus on YOUR feelings, he’s done nothing wrong here) and try and get past it, but it’s a novelty that you’ll probably use from time to time , he’s still going to want sex with you.
This. It was the first time he used something he has wanted for a long time, of course the novelty and payoff to his excitement would be more than he “usually” feels.
Think of it this way though – he never bought it for himself. You did. He didn’t use it on himself, you used it on him. He also didn’t just break it out, you suggested it. Everything here is still built on you being involved. I say this to men who are jealous of vibrators as well – the toy is simply a tool, you are the builder. A tool or box of tools alone cannot build a house. By themselves they have no effect whatsoever. They need a builder to use them in the right way (you wouldn’t use a trowel to try to hammer in a nail, for example) to produce the desired result.
It was the first time you had used this, so perhaps you were unprepared for his reactions and that is fine. Perhaps try a few times now where no toys come out, just enjoy the intimacy of your bodies – as good as toys are, relying on them or depending on them as essential for sex can reduce the effect of just enjoying each other for the sake of it without orgasm being the goal.
Try not to obsess over this or tell him you don’t want him using it again, as you even admit that you use toys yourself in bed, so it will be a bit unfair to use them yourself but not want him to.
No matter how “good” a toy may be, the real thing is always better.
A toy might give the user a big ass orgasm, but nothing can ever compare to being with a real person you care about.
My partner and I play with allot of toys. She finds them as a good way to add to the fun.
He was probably excited because it was mainly about him. Most toys usually are for women and he finally gets one that is not for just you. I know just enjoy it is not easy but I will ask this.
What about it bothered you, obviously his reaction but why? Was it that he never sounded moved this way before?
Keep in mind, you got him the toy and he enjoyed it with you. He will associate this toy with you and only you.
Maybe tell him he can only use this one with you when he wants it.
Could it have been the sheer excitement of trying something new that also felt super awesome? In my experience it almost always feels a bit overwhelming when you get a new sensation which of course leads to a fast orgasm as well lol. Usually that wears off a bit, no?
Would you rather he feel ashamed afterwards?
The reaction he got from it largely derived from the comfort and intimacy he shares with you.
Please try to keep that in mind and use that thing to freak him out.
It sounds like you guys have a healthy approach to things. Keep it up
what toy exactly was it? I am asking for a friend…
Lol, welcome to the club.
Well, when I first saw my wife’s vibrator I was terrified. Because it was huge. Way bigger then me.
And there was this lesson I had to learn. Of course toys will get you incredible orgasms. But sex with your SO is not a competition of more and crazier orgasms. Its about enjoying the other person. Which not always results in fireworks.
I always thought women are way more open to sexual things, but after seeing multiple threads about the same thing over the years on various sites, I just think women can be super weird about things like this.
The ole faking an orgasm to end things faster is such a messed up thing lol it may not be a big deal to him or even you but maybe you should include that tidbit when you tell him how you’re feeling
New sensations can be exciting it will wear off and just become regular enjoyable. I am sure he still prefers the real deal
I just envy the fact that you care enough about your sex life to be feeling jealousy to begin with. It is interesting to see a case with this very common dynamic, but with the gender roles reversed.
From what you describe, I have no doubt that the two of you will be able to talk this out. Treasure what you have together. You don’t realize how precious it is until it’s gone.
Could the reason for your jealousy be because you didn’t derive any pleasure from it or was it more his reaction?
Is there a way you could use this toy in a Domme/sub dynamic that would help you feel like you were more in control of the situation and/or his reaction to it?
How does he feel when you get off harder on a toy than him?
That’s how some guys feel about vibrators but we get shamed for saying it
Talk about your partner about this
Don’t be ashamed of a natural reaction.
Last but not least if its any consolation: if he’d have preferred a toy over you he would have bought it instead of marrying you.
It seems the same problem many men have when a female partner is getting more excited with a phallus that is larger than his manhood.
Keep in mind too, that your presence there, watching him while he’s being fucked with the toy, might be a huge part of his arousal/enjoyment. Doing something alone is far less of a turn on for most people and it’s awesome that he trusts you and is open enough with you to let you see him lose himself in the toy like that.
*I pretended to cum so he would too and then quickly told him I was tired.*
Not cool bruh.
What’s the toy?
This points to some deep set insecurities about inadequacy. Maybe you should get therapy? But the most important thing you need to do is be honest, open and communicate with your partner
Gotta ask. What kind of toy gave him that kind of experience??? Asking for a friend…..,,,
He wasnt moaning because of a sex toy, he was moaning because his wife was using a sex toy on him. Despite what people say, men arent that easy to please
Inadequacy feelings are pretty easy to solve in these situations. You are living person that comes with all of the benefits of emotional connection, and boobs, (etc.). You will always be superior to the toy, an inanimate object.
When a partner is not interacting directly with their main partner during a sex act they will make sounds of pleasure to share with the other partner. It is ingrained in us as humans to show to our sexual partner we are in pleasure in the moment. This allows a closeness with the non active partner to share through the pleasure in an empathetic way.
He was bringing you into the act with his over zealous audio. It was for your enjoyment. We do it subconsciously. Men and woman.
It’s typical to misconstrue this for them having more fun than with you. But you watching and observing the pleasure is what heightens it for the actor.
Consider it a play.
> we are very open
> I pretended to cum so he would too and then quickly told him I was tired
I may be wrong but if you both are very open, it shouldn’t really be a problem to talk this out and be honest about it. Most problems in relationships start with bad communication.
As a guy with a small arsenal of toys:. Yes some of them provide me more physical pleasure than a woman can. But, they do nothing for me emotionally and nothing compares to the combination of physical pleasure and emotional bliss I get from sex with my wife. Just nothing.
I don’t have a single toy I prefer to the joy of going down on her, for example.
Also often with a new sex toy, there is novelty/anticipation factor that makes the first few times very intense.
The toy in question lol
https://www.target.com/p/cake-vibrating-stroker-rechargeable-massaging-toy/-/A-84743742
If there is one thing to keep in mind when dealing with things like this is that a sex toy isn’t what ultimately turns people on, no man is masturbating while imagining a pocket pussy.