My(F22) ex(M22) has had a difficult life. Long story short since it’s not my story to tell: He has had an incredibly difficult life in comparison to his friends and continues to see and feel that since he has no emotional or financial support from his parents, meanwhile everyone else can get help and/or go home. His first reaction is to either get angry or try/pretend not to feel at all because he was never given an environment to foster any other emotions without being reprimanded by his family.
I should first mention that very soon after officially dating, he moved in with me because of his poor home life, meaning we did rush into things and we both know it was a mistake. I broke up with him after almost a year (10 months) because of his emotional immaturity because I know his experiences explain why he acted the way he did, but doesn’t excuse it. We couldn’t communicate because anytime I brought up how something made me feel, he would feel attacked and as if I was trying to argue. This would initially lead him to shut down and shut me out completely, eventually it was a conversation where he got extremely defensive and felt unheard if my first response didn’t solve the problem. This led to an extreme decline in my mental health which honestly made me a worse girlfriend because I was constantly tired, sad, and just felt completely drained. This made us both tired. Recently I found out he told someone he had a crush in his girl best friend when we had first started dating, which just ended up being the last straw for me because I had tried to have several conversations with him about boundaries and how their close friendship made me uncomfortable. I broke up with him and it hurt us both. I believe this led to him telling another mutual friend that he still likes her because he was sad and embarrassed and guilty and automatically wanted to feel like it wasn’t a loss for him. This obviously hurt me even more and I was originally so sad and angry, but I realized that being angry wouldn’t be productive. Yes he hurt me, but in my opinion, there’s also no benefit to being cruel back.
I’m hearing from my friends and family that I shouldn’t be the one helping him. I know I sound like that stereotype thats like “omg this isn’t you” but I do really care about him and I think he cares about me too. I know it might seem like I make excuses for him and i lost a lot to try to fix him, but I just don’t think he was treating me badly because he wanted to. I feel like I am probably being too nice (because that’s what everyone else in my life is saying) but I hate the thought of anyone being in the position he’s in. He doesn’t have anyone else who can help him understand and when you don’t know where to start then you probably won’t? I just really care about him, but I’m not sure if I’m doing something wrong because my friends and family can’t seem to fathom how I can even bear to see his face anymore. We had a real, intimate, and vulnerable conversation the night he moved out where we finally discussed some of the reasons we needed to break up. That was what really cured me of my anger.
I guess I’m wondering if people think I’m being manipulated or if it’s just not my place to do this so soon after the break up or if I’m stupid or anything else?
TL;DR – My ex-boyfriend’s emotional immaturity made me more depressed, but now that we broke up because he might’ve emotionally cheated, he seems more open to bettering that aspect and I want to be there for him and help him do it since no one else can/will
3 comments
It’s not about helping a poor person. Let’s be honest, you are attracted to him still. You helped him out for a year and it didn’t turn out too well.
He sounds extremely immature and him being petty and jealous all the time is a real energy drainer. Unless he is actively changing his thinking, he will still be the same.
You cannot “fix” someone. He has to do the work himself. Just let it go. Stop trying to be his Mom and savior.
So, he says he has a crush on his friend, y’all break up, and he tells people he still likes the girl, and your belief is that he says this for feeling sad, guilty, embarrassed, and not wanting it to feel like a loss. That’s some extreme way of trying not to hold that against him. If he admitted to the crush before the breakup, then yeah, he would most likely still like her after the breakup. I don’t see how that would be some cover story all of a sudden. But this and other things you’ve said show how far you’re going to excuse his behavior, even when you say his behavior shouldn’t be excused. So it’s very clear and obvious that you truly do care a lot for him. Whether it’s because of love or pity because of his former home life situation. He needs some tough love. He needs to experience consequences for his actions, not someone who is going to find any way to excuse him. Maybe some therapy will work, but right now isn’t a time he should be in a relationship. Until he can control his outbursts when a partner attempts to communicate to him about personal matters. If there are other people who know about his issues and see that he needs help, it may be better for y’all to come together and talk to him about getting help.