Female here. I was assaulted, groomed, and abused thru my teen years and learning what sex & relationships should be like for me. I was taught it is normal/the standard for men to be totally brutal to me in bed. I was told that all men secretly want to hurt women and enjoy that. I was taught that I must accept that & do whatever men told me in order to ever be loved and if I don’t accept the violence, my partners will resent me/cheat/leave me.
My past is dark & I’m in therapy and everything now, but I’m curious what men have to say about this. I don’t mean to kink shame, but I believe any violence in bed 100% has to be communicated and consented to without pressure and with clear boundaries.
So how many of you actually enjoy sex that is violent to the woman? Do you enjoy hurting women? Why? How does it make you feel? Just so I can understand.
23 comments
Jesus christ I’m sorry you had to go through that, I can’t speak for all men but personally I just want someone I can love and trust.
I dont understand that either. Im more of a occasional slap on the butt and light choke kind of guy
I do not enjoy hurting women. I couldn’t even slap my ex’s butt when she literally asked me to.
First of all, I’m sorry all of that happened to you.
Second, no, all men do not want to secretly hurt women. Very small and pathetic men do. That’s why your abuser exploited a power dynamic and targeted someone so much younger and weaker.
You’ve pretty much covered it in your second paragraph: consent and boundaries are key.
Side note: my ex was violent to the extreme of bleeding, crying, screaming, and being unable to touch my genitals for days after sex. He mocked me for being so kinky but refused to discuss boundaries and told his roommates I liked it rough to cover up the sounds. He told me that was normal and acted like I was crazy & no one would ever love me anytime I tried to communicate
I am considering reporting him to the police and having him arrested. It’s really validating to hear that not all men are that way, as he wasn’t the first of this kind that I had encountered.
Well, I have certain fantasies that I’d like to try out, like pulling hair, throat fucking, being pretty rough, but I haven’t found any girl who likes it. And now I’ve been together with my wife for over 10 years, and she doesn’t (seem to) like any of that so it will remain a fantasy. I’d never do it unless I know the woman in question likes it.
Sex is between 2 people and it’s enjoyed far better when both like the kind of sex you’re having in my opinion. It should be based on mutual respect and trust.
First, I am sorry about what happened to you, that is unacceptable.
To answer your question, I am a male Dominant in a BDSM relationship with my wife. Consent is king, and communication is queen.
If my partner doesn’t consent it doesn’t happen, and if she uses her safeword it stops at once.
As to what I get out of it, I get the satisfaction of giving my partner what she desires in a safe consensual non-judgemental way. I feel honored she trusts me to respect her limits.
I could never be violent with my wife. It’s not normal or healthy for a guy to want to hurt a woman during sex.
Yeah, no.
I had one gf that liked violence in bed and that was the crux for us breaking up. I don’t like pain, don’t like causing others pain, man or women.
With that ex, it just made me feel sick. Like had to stop a few times so I didn’t throw up sick and even then there was a lot she wanted I just flat out refused to do.
None of my mates were into pain either that I know of.
I don’t even like rough sex. Pinning a girl down and thrusting as hard and deep as I can does nothing for me.
I’m a sensualist. I love a submissive woman I can spend time enjoying. Lots of touching, teasing, and copious amounts of foreplay.
I’m into hypnosis, but I’m also big on massaging, trying to help my partner become as relaxed and submissive as possible.
I assure you, there are men on both extremes of how rough or gentle we like to be in bed
Every time I think it would be fun to try some rough play with my wife I can’t do it because I respect her too much.
Without consent or communication thats an abuser which imo isn’t even a man. I think everyone has different things the like and enjoy firing sex but if it tends towards bdsm and rougher sex consent and communication are the most important parts of a healthy relationship.
I’ll do it, because so many women seem to need it. So on one hand I’m proud that I’m able to do it, but wish I didn’t have too
Consensual nonconsent play is very high up on the list for me, and always with people who are vetted so I can be confident that they genuinely find it enjoyable themselves, though usually leaning towards women who prefer the high of the despair over the physical pleasure and thrill of it, for the sake of my own immersion.
In summary, it’s complicated. It escapes my own understanding to a large degree, and I honestly can’t be sure that my explanation will be accurate, but I can say that it’s very empowering. It’s where all that pent up anger and hate comes out, even when I’d never know it was there. All those punches I couldn’t throw, words I couldn’t say, pain I couldn’t cause to others for the sake of my own civility. And I definitely wouldn’t separate its origins from bullying or other pressures I experienced in school.
Somehow, sadism mingled with my sexuality. But it’s definitely more emotional sadism than physical sadism. It’s an adrenaline high, and something about the way a pit forms in my stomach when my partner cries and struggles turns it into something above that’s hardly even about the physical pleasure anymore, yet it complements my arousal so well. It’s inexplicable. It also goes out to humiliation, degradation, control, possession, and all manner of other kinks that there’s no sense getting into detail here.
I suspect there might be more to it buried deep in instinct that subtly gravitates me towards these behaviors and attitudes in a sexual context, because of course I can control and manage all of this and I wouldn’t excuse anything less, but there’s still so many different feelings and drives at play with it that I’ve uncovered along the way, and it never ceases to fascinate me the more I reflect on it. Either way, I’d be open to studying sexual/evolutionarily psychology more formally because it’s really been a wild ride for me.
But I also have a big heart and can do all the loving/affectionate stuff too, which I honestly tend to prefer. It’s just hard to find people I can become attached to. And it can be difficult to do all those sadistic things with people I have a real attraction to, which is why I will often keep those types of play ‘quarantined’ between respective partners. Two highly contrasting sides of the same coin. I consider them both to be ‘extremes’ for me. Without one to fill the void, I will always pursue the other. Either way, sex is nothing to me if I don’t feel something.
Often my sexual experiences are similar in *action* to what you described but completely different in *intent*. Physically, yes it’s similar but the reason I do it is because it’s what SHE wants. It’s what she has requested and expects of me, and as such, it’s what I give her.
If left to my own devices I’m much more on the romantic submissive side of things.
So no, not all men are like that. Rough, violent sex does not have to be abusive and inconsiderate of limits, those are two very different things.
I mean, amazon women and snu snu me any time.
Im pretty into bdsm, and discuss consent with new partners and give them absolute power to stop at any point they are no longer into it, because I do enjoy rough sex and bdsm, which is predicated on consent to create the pretty little lie that we are engaging in.
You are totally worth love no matter how you enjoy loving your partners. Good on you for going to therapy, thats a huge step, and I find it heartening every time i read that someone has made that commitment.
Your past might shape where you are, but it sure as shit doesnt have to influence where you go. Keep working on you. You are the only one that needs to love you. Cheers
Nothing’s enjoyable if I’m not sure the person I’m doing it with wants it to happen and won’t regret it later.
Consensual and completely unpressured/uncoerced, clear discussion, boundaries, safewords, etc – and where all of that is actually followed and respected during the act?
Then sure, at least within my own boundaries and limits.
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Now, to the actual question of being in that Dominant role (I switch, personally) –
It’s an incredible degree of trust being placed in me. On some level I’m always in awe that someone trusts me *that* much to want me to do this.
It’s exciting to have that position of being in control. It’s extremely satisfying bring something to life, to create an experience for her that takes her to the space where she wants to go and will enjoy.
> Do you enjoy hurting women?
The enjoyment is based in what it’s doing for her.
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A comparison of motivations from a different place:
If I ski a hard trail, it’s slightly terrifying, the adrenaline kicks up, it’s so physically difficult and mentally absorbing that everything else is crowded out, and when the run is over I’m left with feeling it in my muscles and the endorphin rush from the exertion. It’s exciting, it’s a heightened level of sensation from how I normally feel.
At the end of a long day, I’m probably tired, sore, but also happy, relaxed, and satisfied….which is also about the same place I want her to wind up at the end of the night.
No, I don’t like violent sex. I’ve had partners want me to be more willing to slap or hit or otherwise hurt them, and I just don’t really feel good about doing that even when requested.
I never was into it, and always just liked softer slower sex, until there was a shift in women’s interests (seemed to be around the time 50 shades of grey came out), and every woman I was with wanted it rough (hard, fast, choking, hair pulling, tying up, etc.). I learned to like it because that soft slow sex just didn’t do it for most women. So it wasn’t like I enjoyed hurting women, but enjoyed seeing them satisfied at the end. It was also sort of hot being dominant during sex, sort of a thrill for both parties.
Yeah no thanks. I could get into some light bondage, especially if I’m the one being tied up. Definitely not into anything violent.
Whatever you like consent and communication is 100%.
Not even a little, and I apologize on behalf of our rotten species for your experiences. Also, I *don’t* apologize for kink-shaming anyone, man or otherwise, who likes to be violent during sex: y’all are making the world a worse place, “thanks” for that.
Edit: I don’t necessarily mean controlled BDSM with communication, safe words and such, though I’m not into that at all.