I (34F) am at a loss for words. I have two young boys (2.5 & 6) and I am a stay at home mom who freelances while working on my acting career. My husband (33M) works 12 hour days and I completely understand that he has a stressful job. My problem is this. When he comes home, he just leaves his stuff all over the place. He never cleans anything. My boys are young and I’m constantly picking up after them. I also pick up after my husband. I am so overwhelmed that I don’t even know where to start. It’s almost impossible to do anything with my 2.5 year old at home. I guess my issue is that my husband just creates more work for me instead of helping. He does nothing. I am literally at the point of throwing everything away just because I don’t want to deal with it anymore. The mess, the clutter, just everything. I feel so alone and so helpless and stuck. I guess I’m just venting but any advice would be greatly appreciated.
10 comments
Have you spoken to him about it? Is there any way you could afford a housekeeper? Working 12 hour days is pretty brutal but I get that being a SAHM to two little ones and trying to work is not ideal either. He needs to know how burnt out you are.
Sounds like you are burnt out. Have you tried talking to him about it? Just say it how you said it on here, that you understand he is tired and so are you, but it would be nice if he could put his own dishes in the washer or his own clothes in the laundry basket (whatever the mess is) and when he does it make sure to thank him or let him know you appreciate it. If you have access to family help, I would also let them take care of the kids for an evening so your husband and yourself can have time to do whatever you want. Whether it’s doing a house reset, relaxing or reconnecting, etc.
https://jodymoore.com/when-your-husband-doesnt-help/
This may be helpful to you.
If you just told him that you were leaving for a few hours on his day off so that you can recharge, what would happen?
My husband did similar things when he was working even longer hours. For 2 years I tried to explain how I literally never had a break, never had time to even poop alone or eat my meal warm, not even hot just WARM.
After 2 years of him ignoring it, complaining about doing even the smallest thing, I told him I wanted a divorce.
Suddenly he wants to work on it, suddenly he sees all my hard work, suddenly I’m worthy of being supported and cared for. The difference is, he lives in another state and is missing out on our daughter because once again he couldn’t be bothered to do anything that needed to be done to bring us along. Like counseling, medication, even just being present mentally.
Me? At peace in my clean home, where my daughter shows appreciation every day for the food, clothing, and attention she is provided. Because that is what I teach her, every day.
I did however learn a valuable lesson going through those 2 years of begging. Never, ever, stay with someone who doesn’t value you. Because eventually, they teach you not to value yourself. I want to raise a strong, intelligent, compassionate little girl and I couldn’t do that dragging dead weight. She’s great, by the way 😀
You should stop working on your acting “career” and focus on taking care of your husband who works 12 hours a day to support you.
Hire a cleaning person and hand the bill to your husband
Can you just tell him you don’t have the energy to pick up after him and then not pick up after him? You matter too. You should focus on yourself and what you can control. Because you can’t control him and he’s clearly not seeing your hurt and all that you’re doing and sacrificing.
Your husband doesn’t do nothing. He works 12 hours a day to put a roof over your and your kids heads while you have dreams of being an actress which 99% chance won’t happen.
The first part of your post sounded like our family. I’m a sahm to 3 & 6 year old kiddos, hubs is in the navy and works long days and gone often. BUT he does his part. I have messy phases, and productive ones, and he does as well, and we pick up each other’s slack when needed. Because that’s marriage. Are you the housekeeper or the childcare provider? Both of those are full time jobs which can be outsourced. So, you two need to have a discussion about it.
As an example, let’s say you go with YOU being the full time childcare. Perfect. While he is at work, do not do anything you wouldn’t expect from a nanny. Sure, pick up the toys, wash the dishes from lunch, do *NOT* pick up after him, deep clean the bathrooms, grocery shop, etc. Be the nanny. You are one person. Then when he gets home from work, and on the weekends, y’all tag team the house. If you guys decide housekeeping is a more suitable place for you, cool! Great! Time to find a morning daycare/preschool so you can focus on that for a few hours a day.
You are. One. Person. You cannot continue doing the job of at least 2-3 adults all day every day.
One last thing: I see you. I see you trying. I see you paralyzed because everything is the #1 priority all at the same time. This can be navigated and figured out, but you gotta make a plan. I hope your husband is on board with being a partner in marriage and parenting. Cuz you need a partner more than anything right now. Not a break, not a husband who cleans up after himself, a partner. Good luck mama ❤️
Can you send him this post? Your honesty, and the replies might be very eye opening for him.