(This has been previously posted on other threads).
Being on the Autism Spectrum, I (23F) have had a hard time making friends for most of my life. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 18, and by then I had been bullied and misunderstood for years. For a while, I wondered what it’s like to be part of a friend group or ‘squad’, but eventually I just accepted my fate of being lonely the rest of my life.
Things started to change when I moved to another state, where I knew absolutely no one, for university 5 years ago. People would typically describe such a transition as ‘scary’ or ‘nerve-wracking’, but I saw it as a fresh start. 5 years later, this town has become my home, and I plan on staying after my (recent) graduation.
I was relieved to find out that my university provided many opportunities and resources for students with autism. I felt much safer in my new environment than I ever did growing up.
When I was 19, I saw a gorgeous blonde girl on my university’s campus and was taken aback by how pretty she is. She looks exactly like Romee Strijd, except with green eyes instead of blue. I decided to go up and introduce myself. I definitely wasn’t expecting it to go well, since I am shy and socially awkward and that blonde girls were the type who were mean to me in high school. (At 19, high school wasn’t THAT long ago).
It went much better than I thought! We introduced ourselves (her name is Allie) and got each other’s numbers. We started to get to know each other better and eventually became really close.
She started introducing me to her friends (about 20 other girls – she is very popular). I became part of the group. I was invited to parties and sleepovers and shopping trips had a lot of fun. All of a sudden, I had plans on the weekends instead of just sitting alone on my computer.
At first I wasn’t expecting someone who looked like that (based on past experience) to be nice to me, but she was. She was one of the most kind and caring people I have ever met. She was also down to earth, smart, easygoing, and hilarious, often calling herself a ‘weirdo.’ Being a total extrovert, she would often be the one planning social events, and would go out of her way to make sure I was included. She would also compliment me often.
I could always go to her when I had a problem. She was the one who helped me move on after my breakup with my first college boyfriend. When I was having roommate issues, she drove all the way from another town to help me move my things to a different dorm. She was a great listener, often remembering details I had told her months ago. She was there for me this whole time and I will always be grateful for that.
Enter Brent into the scene. Brent is an attractive man from a wealthy family. He and Allie (now 24F), had been dating for years, and were known in our community as ‘Barbie and Ken in real life’. They were soon married.
At first, nothing much seemed to change between Allie and I. We still had the same inside jokes, and still went to picnics, hikes, and movie nights when Brent was “off with the boys.”
However, the changes soon became obvious. Allie loved talking about how great it is to be married. (I have been single for years and all my relationships have failed miserably, but I am not looking to be in a new one any time soon). She would say things like “it’s so fun to be married!” and “I got the best husband!” I knew she wasn’t trying to brag on purpose, but was just really excited about her new life change, and I was genuinely happy for her. She would also love talking about her new wealthy lifestyle, including vacations and time-share houses, and would even announce to everyone the designer brands she got her clothes from. (I am pretty well off too, but would NEVER behave this way).
Since the start of this year, the times when I’d hang out with her were few and far between, and she has stopped inviting me places like she used to. She is still very outgoing, and I would see her posting on social media with other girls. I had never been much of an initiator, but I tried setting up times to hang out, only to be left with a variety of excuses. The most recent one was my GRADUATION, she said she was too busy but said she could watch a recording of it later.
Remember the 20 girls she introduced me to? I am still close with a lot of them. These days, I only ever see Allie when one of those girls invites us both to same thing. Recently, we were at one of the girls’ houses. Allie had to leave early to have lunch with Brent. After she had left, one of the girls asked me “Hey Mariana, would you like to ride with me to Allie’s 24th birthday tomorrow?” It turns out, I was the only one out the group who hadn’t gotten an invitation. I knew it wasn’t some kind of oversight, because I had even SEEN Allie that day and she had said something to me along the lines of “see you around next week, I guess.”
I was heartbroken by not being invited to her big 24, but I thought I would give it one last shot and try to fix the friendship. I was invited to an event at a country club in another town, which I knew Allie would also be at. Since I don’t drive, I thought, why not ask her for a ride? She accepted. We rode off into the night. Her beauty was enchanting. Her car still smelled like vanilla icing. When we got to the scene, I went to sit at a table with some members of “the 20” and she went to sit at a different table. I later found she had gone home early due to her husband being home alone, essentially leaving me without a ride home. Yes, I was able to get a ride with another member of the 20, but I was extremely hurt and disappointed.
I have since talked to her about the country club incident, and she apologized, but I know that our friendship has effectively run its course.
I am so heartbroken. I miss Allie so much. What could I do to move on?
Note: Yes, I have heard 100 times that “relationships evolve” and “people move on from each other.” I am fully aware of that, and that is depressing. What I am looking for is POSITIVE advice for how to move forward and stop crying about it.
TL;DR: A good friend is pulling away and I couldn’t cope.
4 comments
You might be in grief, acknowledging it might make it easier to transition to a life without her. One door has to close before another opens, someone said. Take care of yourself.
So very sorry for what you’re going through. Keep doing what you’re doing in terms of hanging out with the ones you are still close to. A pool of 20 is nice and big, that’s a positive right there, and you can continue to grow the relationships that are strong so that they fill the hole in your heart. Also, don’t lose hope that she won’t come back to you at some point. Those things do happen depending on where people are in life. You are right, it does not help when people say “relationships change and evolve, blah blah blah,” as if we don’t know that… I have found that people who default to that line as their advice are either very detached people themselves, or have never truly experienced a significant relationship loss. Wishing you the very best.
The best way to move on is to keep living. Go out there and meet new people with the same interests. Over time you won’t care as much. You can download meetup on your phone which is an app for socializing. You just indicate your interests and see what groups you want to join. Some groups meet in person and others do zoom calls. Whatever you do just remember it’s okay to feel sad over a friendship that’s ended.
sometimes the only thing is left to do is cry. I had the same problem before and I can say that time heals almost everything.