I (27M, homosexual) started chatting with “Mark” (39M, pansexual) in early April through Grindr. We were both very much looking for chatting/sex and nothing more so it worked out nicely. We met up about a week later for the first time & hooked up. Since then, it became a more & more regular thing, where every other night or so one of us would hit the other up to hang out & hook up.
Then May came around & there was a Saturday night where I asked him if he wanted to come over & he told me he wasn’t sure. He’d had a really bad day & wasn’t sure if he was up for sex, so I told him we didn’t have to have sex. We could just hang out & smoke some weed & talk.
So he came over & we chatted for damn near 5 hours about things we’d never discussed before (up until this point, our conversations were very surface level). He opened up that he’d just gotten out of a relationship in mid-March (She kicked him out after he caught her cheating & it made him have to give up his dog š ) and that he was just having a hard time processing everything because he’d moved to this city to be with her & had intentions of proposing & everything because they’d been dating over a year, long distance for about 6 months.
After that night, his guard started coming down. He wasn’t as opposed to sharing details about his life & we developed a good friendship & have continued having sex (great sex by the way, there’s so much sexual chemistry).
There are a couple of problems, though, that have me confused:
1. We don’t kiss. We’ve never kissed & I’ve asked about it twice because it’s something I enjoy very much & his response the first time was “Kissing is very intimate, I’m not sure I’m ready for that” and the second time it was “I’m not really down for kissing right now.” But he literally put his mouth EVERYWHERE else lol
2. We don’t cuddle / hug / etc. When we have sex, our hands are all over each other, but when it’s over, we rarely every touch past that but always lay next to each other and talk for hours after we finish.
3. We also give each other massages all the time & they are full of intimate touches & body kisses, which just confuse me a bit more…
4. He’s been physical with men, but has never had a serious relationship with one. I have no idea if it’s something he’d be open to or not, but we get along sexually, socially & personally.
I’ve realized now, about 2 months into this whole thing, that I definitely have feelings for him. We spend 4-5 nights a week hanging out, sometimes we have sex & sometimes we just hang out & talk & have the best time. I know for a fact that neither of us is sleeping with anyone else at the moment but I’m concerned though that I’m the only one who has caught feelings & I’m going to get hurt.
Am I being naive? Is this strictly physical & never going anywhere else or am I just being a dumbass by wanting more from him than he’s able to give emotionally? Am I a rebound for him?
I’m willing to be patient for sure, because he’s definitely going through some stuff. I really like being around him & feel like he enjoys being around me too, but I’m just so confused. The no kissing/hugging/cuddling thing just has me feeling like I am only good for sex & advice, but nothing else & as much as I just want to ask him, I’m scared it would just complicate things & scare him off.
What can I do to find peace of mind right now? Any advice?
2 comments
Sounds like heās facing comphet a little bit. Wanting to fit the āmanā role but enjoying sex with men. The intimate stuff is definitely on the relationship side more than simply pleasure.
He maybe interested but worried what a sane sex relationship would mean for the rest of his life. IE the easy ability to have children. This can be a big struggle and what his family would think etc.
He may have feelings but those other things maybe more pressing. Maybe heās afraid that he has feelings and thinks that you donāt so heās protecting himself.
Kissing is extremely intimate, I struggle with it too. Took me ages to get there with my now wife. Kissing is big. Way bigger than everything else (to me anyway)
Look, as always communication is the key or you can just wait it out. Keep doing what youāre doing and see if something develops.
Doesnāt seem like rebound. That looks very different.
Keep in mind a 12 month relationship isnāt huge, 6 months apart on top of that? Damn.
Heās in a new city, building his life and recovering a little. Help him do that and see what happens.
This reads as both āI donāt have experience dating men or being emotionally vulnerable with menā and āI have some internalized homophobia/other hang ups but letās not talk about it.ā
Heās going to need to kind of dig deeper and be willing to talk about this.