Hi Reddit, I don’t have anyone else to turn to and so I have come and talk to strangers on the internet. Hoping I might find people who can relate to my issue/ have advice/ or is just willing to lend a listening ear.
A little background about myself, I’m currently a woman in her late 20s perfectly capable of supporting myself financially.
I also come from a broken home and was raised by the mother of my mum (grandma).
This is a story that I have always been ashamed of, and despite thinking that I am not responsible for my parent’s mistakes, a part of me is still ashamed of it and never talked about with anyone.
About 20 years ago, my parents divorced as my father wouldn’t stop cheating on my mum. He was caught cheating red-handed with proof many times (he wasn’t very good at hiding, or just didn’t care enough to hide). Because of this, they would always get into huge verbal arguments which escalate into physical fights. I can still vividly remember their screams and how they’d beat each other up. Some of the extreme cases were when my father picked up a chair to slam it onto my mum, causing her to fall on the ground. Or when my mum picked up a sledgehammer to bash it into the car as my father drove away from home. There was a day when they were about two hours late to pick me up from school, which had never happened before. I was so scared of being abandoned because they had got into a huge fight the night before so I tried to walk home by myself. I should’ve been 8 years old at the time and had the privilege of never having to walk home by myself before. I tried so hard to remember the path home by looking at familiar shops/sceneries that I always saw on the way to school and back. Thankfully I did make it back home, and they told me they were just late because they were stuck at the bank doing something. Turns out, they arrived at my school soon after I decided to walk home and weren’t able to find me. They thought I was kidnapped and asked me where I’d been. They were teary when I told them I thought I’d been abandoned.
Soon after, my mum found out that my father cheated again. This time with his friend’s daughter, and got her pregnant. This was the final straw for my mum and she asked him to pick a side. He told my mum that he wished to start a new family with the other lady and that was the end.
The last time I ever saw my dad was in court about 20 years ago, when they were finalising their divorce. I can’t remember if my father ever fought for custody, but I was assigned to my mum and he was ordered by the court to pay $100 each month to my mum as child maintenance fee. Despite that, according to my mum he never paid her, always telling her he has no money. (I can remember as a child, my mum was the one always working and earning money. He was always asking money from her to go hang with his friends and have beer. He could never hold a job for long.) So, despite being able to visit me, he never did. Once I was old enough to have my own mobile phone, my mum gave him my contact number and surprisingly he did call me to casually ask me how I’ve been. We didn’t talk much, and he hung up saying he’d call me again but never did.
Until now, 20 years after their divorce. He found me on Facebook and sent me a message saying he needs help to financially support his other daughter who is still a teenager and studying. He looks extremely frail and old in his profile picture and I truly believe that he needs the money. I have not responded to him as I am conflicted, confused, happy, mad, and sad. I don’t know what to think and feel. On one hand, I believe in the importance of education and I bear no hatred towards his other daughter who is also a victim of her parent’s mistakes. I want to help her, but at the same time, I’m not exactly wealthy enough to take care of another human being right now.
After my parent’s divorce, my mum left me with my grandma to work in the city for better pay. She would send my grandma money to take care of me and financially supported me until I was 15. I’ve always loved studying so at 15, I moved to the city to pursue better education opportunity and started working part time after school to support my living cost. Eventually, I made it into university by getting a student loan. I got my dream job and steadily started paying off my student loans. I’m also helping my mum by funding half of her housing loan, and giving my grandma pocket money as she was the one who was always there for me. I have enough money for food, a roof over my head, and some savings for retirement.
With that said I really don’t know what to do about my *half-sister? I feel bad for her, but at the same time I’m not exactly so wealthy that I can just take up the responsibility of supporting her financially. But I do want her to survive her situation just like I have. I’m so confused.
Thank you for reading my story.
TL;DR : Deadbeat father of nearly 20 years contacted me on Facebook to ask for help financially supporting his teenage daughter (my *half-sister). Idk what to do as I don’t exactly know if I want the responsibility despite believing she deserves a chance to survive her parent’s mistakes just as I did.
10 comments
What would happen if you asked to speak to HER about what she needs?
That is a tough situation. It really is not your responsibility to provide for your half sister. it sounds like you never were even given the option to have a relationship with her. Your father is trying to take advantage of you. If you really wish to help maybe get involved or start a charitable organization for underprivileged kids to get educational supplies. Or find one and refer your half sister to it. I would be suspicious where your money would actually go if given to your father.
First of all, she’s your half-sister, not your step-sister. But that aside, if you aren’t in a good position to help her, there isn’t much you can do. However, I would ask your father if she wants a relationship with you, and if so, ask him to give her your contact information. I would definitely give your father no help at all. I would consider getting to know your sibling and consider helping her in ways that seem potentially helpful to her once you understand her situation and where the help goes directly to her and cannot be misused by your father, to the extent you are comfortable doing so. If you really can’t help at all, that is fine, you don’t have to do anything.
This isn’t about your step sister, this is about your father.
I would strongly consider the possibility that your father is using her an excuse.
Have you thought about all the ways this is likely to go wrong considering the history between you?
What happens when this opens the floodgates to your father continuing to pester you for money if you budge this time?
What about the possibility that he’ll get nasty and make horrible comments to you in the future if you don’t go along with his wish?
How will you cope with the trauma this is going to bring flooding in if you do give the money?
Have you considered the resentment and feeling of being used that will be added on top of the trauma of an abusive and absent father, should you help him this time?
You do not owe your father anything.
The shame you feel around your past is not yours. It’s your parents’ who brought you into that world.
It seems like you really don’t have much of spare money to give away. She won’t return the favour by helping you when you retire, right? And it’s not like she suddenly turned 15 and suddenly needs education, her parents should have thought about it long ago and had plenty of time to prepare. Bad luck for her, but you also cannot go around fixing all the injustice in the world, you’re not a billionaire
I’d tell him he owes a decade of back child support to your grandmother as well personally.
Think of it this way, in not being paid that money he owed to you, you’ve already donated substantially to his other daughter, or being realistic to him, but where do you think any money you give him now will go? You haven’t heard from her have you?
I don’t even see why you’d believe he had any intention of giving the money to his daughter, and even if he does, they’re in the position they’re in because he already misused the money they already had from not paying you. If you want to help her then speak to her directly, and give her things he can’t take and sell.
People always have a soft spot for the affair baby. If it gets sick or needs something, everyone is supposed to drop any hatred or animosity for the cheating and support the affair baby since the baby did nothing wrong. End rant.
Don’t do anything for anyone, blood related or not, that would endanger you or the people you love. You are caring for your mom and gram. That’s enough. Your dad’s problem is your dad’s problem. If you were on the streets, who would he ask for help? He needs to go to that person. That may seem cruel but he didn’t care if you ended up on the street. He shouldn’t benefit from the fact that you did not.
This is not about being the better person (you are!!) This is about you not taking food out of your mouth to feed him.
While this is a tough situation, you don’t owe him anything and it’s not your responsibility to take care of her. If you do choose to help, money or products should go DIRECTLY to her, since there’s a fantastic chance he’s just looking to rip you off. Ask “what does she need”, and buy it directly (if you choose to help). Even then, he’s probably just going to push expenses on you so he can spend what he has on himself.
His choices are not your responsibility! You are not in any way responsible for your half sister’s future but you are 100% responsible for your future!
If you were to create a relationship with your half sister and decide to help occasionally that would be kind of you but in no way should be expected. Love your life and build your family with no guilt or remorse on your father’s life choices.
Do not get involved. This is not your problem. You do not owe him anything but he owes you plenty. You are not responsible for his daughter—you don’t even know her. Please don’t get sucked into this. After the divorce he abandoned you. You got yourself through university and she can too. You are helping your mom and your gran already. Please don’t get yourself involved with this pseudo-father. He is a stranger. If you feel you must give money to strangers, donate to a reputable charity. He doesn’t need YOUR help. You are the last person he should ask. If it were me, I’d block him.