I just found out that my fiancée cheated on me two years ago during a work trip. The thing is id like to confront her about it (she don’t know that I know), but I am afraid to to ruin what we have.
Our relationship is solid now and we are what many define as a power couple. She gave birth to our firstborn last year (he is mine, I checked) and we are very well off financially/relationship-wise today. All other things considered then I would say that we were very well off until a few days ago.
My respect and trust for her have evaporated and I should end the relationship. But at the same time, at some level I don’t want to ruin what we have.
With my son involved it feels at some level irrelevant and that I should just hide the truth and move on?
What would you guys do?
33 comments
She’s been lying to you for years, and no intention to tell you the truth. Is that the kind of person you want to be with? I didn’t think so.
I would leave and not look back.
Some people can move on and be fine, some can’t get over the notion. If you at your core cannot feel like the trust is there then it’s not right to stay. But if you feel that you can heal and get over it while maintaining the secret you have then I feel like you could stay with it. Ultimately it’s the wellbeing of the Child that should be first and foremost.
You might think of the betrayal as a single mistake 2 years ago. I see it as her looking at you every single day for two years and deciding to keep you in the dark, and feeling capable of continuing the ruse forever. If you can genuinely forgive that, then sure.
Sounds like a couples therapy opportunity. If you want to work for it (and she wants it too) you should go for it
You’re asking the wrong questions here. You should be contemplating the fact that she did it once and hasn’t come forward, so can she do it again? The answer is yes. She can. How long were you together when the cheating occurred?
There is no power in a foundation built on lies.
There is no power in a foundation built on lies.
Ever think there are more affairs you haven’t found out about?
Well not confronting her at all will only cause you to resent her so that’s not even a serious option. That’ll simply destroy your relationship slowly rather than having a conversation about what you know.
Even if you have no intention of leaving, you should let her know that you know. If you don’t, she is likely to think if she got away with it once, she can do it again.
Well. You checked that the kid was yours so that base is covered. You seem ready to rug sweep it and move on with life saying you dont want to ruin what you have. Which is fine i suppose, you just have to be sure your loss of trust and respect for her wont bleed through your facade. Because when it does and she doesnt know you know, you will be the bad guy
You won’t be ruining what you have she has ruined it. Despite thinking all is good she is a cheater, a liar, and keeps secrets she was never going to tell you about. The power couple everyone sees is only an outward show, because she is an unfaithful wife, and who knows how many times she has cheated. You will never look at her the same, and you have no trust for her. Makes it worse you had to get your baby DNA tested just to make sure he is yours as she could of been cheating when she got pregnant. Despite you working growing your business isn’t an excuse to cheat, even when my husband was working 2pm-10pm daily plus 10-12 hr days never once would I have considered cheating. A marriage built up on lies isn’t much if a marriage.
Do you think you can find what you have with your fiancé, the same connection and compatibility etc again but PLUS the loyalty… would you be happier with someone else but co-parenting with her? Would she forgive you if you cheated on a work trip?
You should be extremely careful if you do marry. Should be tight prenuptial agreements. Like you said, you just got your business up and running. You have a high probability of losing it.
If she did this before, she’s capable of doing it again. Your marriage isn’t going to be all good, all the time. When it gets rocky, she might do it again.
Personally, I wouldn’t bet on this relationship.
Sorry OP. How did you find out? Confront her with what you have and gauge her response. Read this first though. It discusses remorse and that is key with successful reconciliation.
https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
Good luck
~ ~ My respect and trust for her have evaporated and I should end the relationship. But at the same time, at some level I don’t want to ruin what we have.~~
She has already ruined it.. if there is 1, more than likely there are more.. You sacrificed, she sucked some guy off….
Maybe couples therapy? It sounds like you guys are doing much better than before and it also sounds like you want to stay. If that’s what you would like to do but want to understand the issue, therapy could help.
Dude she cheated. At the very least she owes you an explanation and some serious ass kissing. Myself I can’t do cheating, it devastated my son. I know your situation is different, but how many times has she cheated. Is she still cheating. Are you just her safe space with money and stability? Ultimately it is your decision but I couldn’t live always second guessing what she is doing or who she is talking to.
I would ask her about it. Otherwise it will fester and grow.
Absolutely not, sorry man but you need to put your big boy pants on and move on, NEVER STAY FOR THE KIDS, I’m saying this for the kid experience.
Your resentment will keep growing everyday while looking at her and you will never be the same, just a shadow of yourself in the ghost of a relationship.
It’s NOT WORTHY IT. Please have self respect and guts to do the right thing.
but I am afraid to to ruin what we have>
Dude, she already ruined what you have. Are you going to be such a milksop that you just live with this knowing what she did? Respect yourself some, have some pride. Confront her, dump her and move on with your life. She is not a keeper. How are you ever going to trust her again, and what do you think your life will look like in 10 or 20 years after all that time with someone you know will cheat on you?
I agree that I’d ask her about it and then go for therapy if you were both willing to make it work. Otherwise, any time she is away for work etc in the future, you’ll sit there wondering. That’s not healthy for you as it will definitely manifest in ways you may not be aware of just yet. Do you really want that for your son?
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Can I ask, what has your relationship with her been like? Do you always openly communicate, you talk about building a life together and develop strategies on how to achieve that life? Are there fights, are they common, and is there a bit of resentment after them? What do you two do together? What do you think about the relationship, was it something that just happened, or you purposely were looking for someone like her?
This might not answer your question, but would really help me understand how relationships end up like this – its something I really want to avoid. Once I am with someone, I don’t think about anyone else romantically so I have trouble understanding how other people do that. I don’t know why she would do what she did (even in a fight I would still look out for my partner), but maybe there was something missing for her – is she very sexual and there was a lull in the physical connection?
this is just sad, obviously up to you but if she thinks she got away with it she’ll probably do it again.
If you want to make it work, ignoring it isn’t going to work. You’ll always wonder about, distrust, and possibly (probably) resent her.
If you want to make it work, you have to let her know that you know, and you two need to move forward with counseling and rebuilding the trust that you once enjoyed.
Stop making excuses for her. She fucking cheated and then lied to you for years. Don’t be a fool. Your relationship is over. DO NOT MARRY THIS CHEATING wench
Leave this woman. It would be one thing if she cheated and told you immediately, then maybe you could’ve worked it out. But instead she just swept it under the rug. How many more affairs has she had that you don’t know about? How can you trust this woman? You’ll be there for your son no matter what. I wouldn’t subject him to a marriage that’s already down a bad path. And honestly, I feel like you’re just grasping for straws with the whole “power couple” thing. This woman has betrayed you in the worst way… I wouldn’t want to be any kind of couple with her You’re still young OP and you deserve happiness. You’re not going to find happiness if you don’t end this relationship.
If you don’t want to break up and want to move forward in your relationship, you’re going to have to talk to her and deal with it now.
Hiding your knowledge of it from her will only exacerbate whatever mental struggle you’ll take away from it until you end up resenting her and acting on it without her knowing what is happening (eg. what if you were presented with an opportunity to cheat, you can literally convince yourself it’s OK bc she gets one, then you get one).
Additionally, what if you guys get into a bad place somewhere down the line. I can foresee you throwing it back on her in a moment of anger and that’s the kind of situation where trying to fix what is broken will be harder.
You just need to deal with it now and let the consequences of her mistake come to a head sooner rather than later.
There is absolutely no reason for cheating.
If they did it once they most likely have done it more.
Tell her you know and you get a free pass
You don’t want to mess things up? Come on man. She’s the problem.
I would say grow a pair and stop acting like a doormat.
Get your sh*t together and get out or else act like a doormat and she will cheat on you again ( if she isn’t already ).
If you’re looking to try to salvage the relationship, then you need to talk to her about it.
I would recommend taking some time to process everything and talking to her when you are able to do so in a calm and rational manner.
I also would recommend finding a family counselor near you who can help you try to rebuild trust (if that’s possible), or separate as amicably as possible if you get to the point where your relationship is irreparably damaged. As you state, your child’s welfare is your top priority here, and he needs to grow up in an environment where he can learn to build healthy relationships.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.