I (early 20s F) was out at a strip club for the first time with my 3 friends (M) on a ladies’ night. They all got private dances with nude strippers that allowed touching, but didn’t push for it. A couple hours after I got on stage as many women did, one of the male strippers approached me and asked if I’d be interested in a dance too. I said no and he said if I have no money he can make it a present to me and to “just come”. Thinking it’d be the same type of thing my friends got and I could avoid touching if I didn’t want to, I followed him.
And that’s when things changed. He led me to the private rooms, said something to the bouncer outside and took me in one of them. He got me to sit down and kissed me. I stopped him and said that this is too much for me and I thought it’s just a dance. He tried to convince me to have sex, showed me a condom and said he’d be gentle and we’ll have fun and I’m so pretty etc and stroked my leg up to touch my vulva and tried to finger me. I said no again, absolutely clearly this time and I up and left. I was scared but the bouncer didn’t seem to react. The dancer was really pushy about everything and I had no idea how to react. It was really not what I expected.
My friends were also there for the first time and were in complete shock too. Is this normal at clubs? The female dancers barely let people touch them after they’ve paid some money, but the males offer sex for free for their own pleasure?
I’m still shook and trying to piece things together, it feels like I should’ve assessed the situation better but I still don’t understand how I could’ve known that. I feel dirty and stupid.
OPTIONAL READ: I told my boyfriend was happened and he thinks I was wrong to put myself in a situation I didn’t know a lot about (although the dancer straight up lied to me so I thought I knew). We had agreed previously that touching was off limits and he left me over this, saying he can’t trust me that I won’t do anything stupid anymore. He insists I should talk to my therapist about my relationship with risk and danger and about my issues with not voicing my opinion early enough and not being in control of myself. He’s referring to my friends and I renting ATVs earlier in the week and me also participating although I knew it’s dangerous and didn’t want to in the beginning. (We were safe and had a blast, I’m glad I tried that.)
TL;DR: Is male strippers offering/pushing you to have sex for free a normal thing? Was I wrong and naive to trust it would just be a private dance and I would be able to easily not cross the boundary and touch him? Thank you for your help!
5 comments
No not normal, in fact was sexual assualt when he tried to finger you against your will. And fuck your piece of shit ex as well that’s not normal either
No never
It was sexual assault, and your now-ex was victim blaming you and generally acting abusive towards you. I know you hurt now, but to be honest you’re lucky he’s gone.
He’s right though, you should talk to your therapist, but not about your relationship with risk and danger and all of that victim blaming crap. Talk to him/her about what happened that night, both at the club and with your ex, and work through those feelings around it and heal from it.
You said no, and tried to enforce your boundaries, and the guy crossed it anyway. None of this is your fault.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet with your ex.
Your ex is a douche. You’re better off without him. He should have been supportive and helped you thru this instead he did the opposite.