Partner of 6 years and I agreed to go to counselling. I offered to go to counselling or split before the first session. But he said let’s try it. Prior to this, we lived together but he decided to move out. We’ve been split up since and haven’t talked.
After our first session he we talked about the session once and he started to act cold and ignoring me. He refuses to communicate outside of it. He started acting strange and cold after the first session. When I asked him if everything was okay, he said he didn’t feel like we had a connection anymore and that we could speak about it next session (in a week).
I think he’s giving me a load of bull shit, if he would like to break up then do it before the session. Why would he agree to go to another session if it feels like his mind is set?
After sitting on it, I’m thinking of cancelling the session. And cutting contact – if he tries to speak with me I am not responding. He’s not willing to put the work into it and it feels like he’s stringing me along.
TLDR: Partner not willing to put the work outside of counselling. Won’t talk to me or communicate and then wants to talk again at the next session.
7 comments
Better question: why are you wasting your time and energy on this guy?
Why drag on a dead end relationship? If you have hit the bottom of this barrel but it isn’t getting anywhere then go your separate ways and find someone right for you. Sometimes we cling on for too long when the effort can be invested into a right relationship for us.
Do either of you really want this? I think it was the first session and it probably brought up a bunch of feelings you both are working through. It’s only fair to maybe wait for that next session.
However, if you both really don’t want this, that needs to be communicated.
Yeah, he is completely and utterly done and has just been kidding himself about it for quite a while now. Basically ever since you stopped talking day today things have been dead. He is putting in below minimum effort because he knows that it all might be a waste of time.
Counseling only works when both of you are really and truly able to give it another shot. To me it looks like he is just pretending and trying to convince himself that he isn’t. He reminds me of someone who is afraid to completely cut you out because he might lose something out of the relationship (access to sex, money, companionship etc).
You guys are currently separated and have only had one session just take a deep breath
Most likely he has some things he wants to discuss with you but feels as if the best place to bring them up is with the therapist for whatever reason which to me sounds like a great idea but I don’t know anything else about your relationship
I dated a narcissist who had gone to therapy with his ex wife. He carried a lot of resentment for being made to feel responsible for their problems in therapy and feeling like the ex had misrepresented and that the therapist took her side. He vehemently did not want to split, I’m not sure what he did want. Control? To win? They kept going for awhile and he occasionally made what he considered strides but were ultimately calculated to fulfill the assignment and put her in the position to be the bad guy. One example was that she complained he didn’t want to do social things for her so he waited until she was at a work event with employees only and insisted that he join her, expressing frustration that he was just trying to do her social thing. My related experience with him was that if we did something social for me he was very sour and would sometimes pick a fight and take off. Anyway I could see him potentially going this route. Take care, mind the red flags, and get the hell out if you sense things aren’t right!
I feel like the last line of what you said is absolutely right ,”he’s not willing to put the work into it and it feels like he’s stringing me along.” I completely agree and I would listen to that. Don’t let someone dictate how your relationship progresses or regresses. How do you feel about this? He’s showing you what he rather do and he’s treating you unfairly. If he can’t even be mature enough to communicate with you about feelings and even if he doesn’t know yet, it’s not okay to manipulate you in the interim (cold shoulder, silent treatment, stonewalling, etc,) that’s enough.