TL;DR: I’ll start off by saying that I really love my boyfriend and I’m ready to put in the work for our relationship [f/22] We have been together for one year and a half so far. He is caring and loving, always takes care of me and provides whenever he can. Treats me with respect and like a lady. I fell in love with him because of his personality and caring nature – he took me under his wing to the big city and we lived together ever since.
However in his life, (he is currently 27, soon to be 28) he has not achieved much.
He is still living on a rent, smokes a ton, doesn’t have any ambitions for the future, failed to take his driver’s license as a teenager back then and he is generally lazy. I even have to remind him sometimes fundamentals – like to wash his teeth or take a shower.
All these years he never went to college and worked either as a barista or as a barman at low paying cafes or bars. Never had the intention to do anything meaningful or pursue what he was interested in. He doesn’t have a stable income, neither is he being smart with his finances, and is always complaining about money.
I really wanted to help him grow as a person and I encouraged him to start smoking less and start going to the gym. He was also in a CS boot camp but failed at almost every task they gave him. He is not willing to put in the work and each time he fails, promises he will do better next time but the cycle keeps repeating itself. Now he is pursuing graphic design but I honestly don’t believe him anymore that he will stick with it and make things work (and he is saying that this might be his passion).
He uses his job and his age to excuse the fact that he is having a hard time studying. He kept repeating that CS was not his thing and doesn’t want to proceed with it. And I get it, maybe it wasn’t his thing. But I am not willing to wait 10 years until he finds “his thing” and starts bringing money home.
Honestly as much as this statement makes me sad, it also makes me angry. I work a full time job and study my ass off to build a future for myself, for us. I’m willing to do whatever it takes so I can fulfil my goals and dreams. I’ve also been saving up and investing money, which I know we will need. I’ve never let myself go around him, always taking care of my appearance and hygiene.
The times when I talked with him about those things, that we should work hard to secure a better place for us both, he is always agreeable but when things get hard, he starts complaining again and giving up in a way.
I feel like I’m alone on this one because I truly love him but he makes everything so much harder than it is.
I am aware that I can not do anything to change him, other than encourage him to do better and want better, but what else should I do honestly?
9 comments
“Lazy” isn’t a thing. It’s habits and coping mechanisms as a result of internal or environmental distress.
Seems like this is who he is at this point. You should date someone for who they could be, as often times they won’t reach whatever potential you have in your fantasy of them. Love isn’t enough to make a relationship work and your feelings will fade if your relationship becomes one where you parent him instead of him becoming a partner.
The best thing to do might be to leave, that might be the wake up call he needs to get in order, but it also may not. Either way though you’d no longer feel the burden of him weighing you down.
You are not a rehabilitation center for shitty men.
It is not your job to raise him.
>what else should I do honestly?
Accept that this is who he is and stop resenting him for not conforming to your expectations.
You two are incompatible. No one is to blame for that. Neither of you are wrong for being the way you are.
You have to remind him to brush his teeth. Do not date someone you have to remind regularly about basic hygiene.
What mental health care is he getting? What you are describing sounds a whole lot like ADHD and/or depression. If he seeks care immediately and works at it, he may be able to turn this around. If he is unwilling or unable to get care, then this is likely who he will be forever. You should not be reminding your partner to brush their teeth outside of explicitly caretaker/caretakee relationships. If you two had been married for a while and your partner then developed dementia and needed this level of care, then sure, that might be something you do out of love while letting your relationship transition to a different kind of relationship. But instead, you are just parenting an adult child. See if he can get real care and turn this around. If not, leave.
>and I’m ready to put in the work for our relationship
He is *not* willing to put in the work, so why are you?
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You should buy and read the book codependent no more ASAP