I have been having a recurring issue with my spouse where I will nonchalantly present my feeling in the moment, and they will get anxious about feeling like it is their problem to solve.
For example, this morning I was a little nauseous and had a hard time finding something I thought I could stomach to eat for breakfast. I said this out loud, and my husband assumed I was asking him to find something for me. He did end up getting up and kindly made something for me to eat, but he later confronted me and told me that it makes him uncomfortable that I put things on him like that constantly.
I was a little surprised to hear this because, while he is frequently doing things for me, I am never actually requesting that he do things for me. I guess I’m a little frustrated that I can’t share my feelings openly without him misinterpreting that as a problem that is now his responsibility.
My husband is autistic and has explained that he simply doesn’t understand what I’m doing when I speak out loud for “no reason” (his words). I tried to explain that I am just speaking what I’m feeling, but he doesn’t seem to understand why someone might not want to just be silent at all times unless they want something from someone.
Does anyone have any advice for how to approach this?
tl;dr: every time I express an emotion to my spouse, they consider that me making it their problem. I have tried explaining to them that that isn’t the case, but I can’t seem to make it click for them.
4 comments
Ask him how he wants you to share what is going on in your life without him feeling imposed upon. This is a problem you two have, so you both need to brainstorm solutions together. So, he has brought up the issue, now you two need to discuss what might work to solve the problem. Perhaps he would prefer you word things a bit differently. Or perhaps he can explicitly ask you, “Are you just sharing or do you want me to help?” Talk about it together and discuss what solutions you each think might work.
Why not ask him? If he is not capable of changing how he perceives things, then find which key words will help him understand, and learn to lead with those when you communicate.
Examples:
* [Im only venting, no need to kill my boss on my behalf catchphrase] my boss is getting on my nerves again
* [Im just expressing my current state, no need to get a bucket catchphrase] I’m feeling nauseous this morning.
Maybe you both could benefit from therapy to learn ways to communicate better, although you may always need to work a little harder at it if he takes things very literally.
Show him the “Farmer’s Market” episode of Parks and Recreation. The secondary storyline deals with this exact kind of situation. (plus it’s fucking hilarious)
(seriously if Chris Trager wasn’t Autistic-coded I will eat my own shoe)
You said he is autistic, so you need to study and understand how someone with his condition perceives the world. His ability to change is limited by his condition, but you can change how you vent or approach him to limit misunderstanding. With some better understanding of his perceptions, you and he can learn to communicate and understand each other much better. Good Luck.