Finding out my dad didn’t go to medical school at 16 is making me resent my (20F) parents for pushing me so hard.

It sounds irrelevant to the story but I used to be a gifted kid. Now, I’m not Einstein but I was 12 in the ninth grade and even though academically I did well I was far too young. When I mentioned something about a blowjob, my parents freaked out and I repeated a year and I’m still relatively young for my peer group. I didn’t realise the role this had on my health till my doctor casually mentioned stress could affect it. I of course objectively knew how stress can affect your body but I never realised how stressed I was.

All my friends are 21/22. I am in in my senior year of college and I’m 20. I was 17 when I first began college and have always been so determined to be perfect academically I let myself go physically. When I swam in my school, it was for my college apps. I was going to be a surgeon and instead decided to be a writer but I push myself just as hard.

I spent the summer of 2016 studying and prepping myself for med school and whatnot. I was 14. After the SAT, I was so exhausted, I slept for 13 hours straight. At one point, my parents would hide energy drinks from me because I was up all night studying obsessively, and chugging red bull when my parents woke up at 6 am. I was terrified of not doing well in school. I drove myself up the wall.

When I realised I wouldn’t be a surgeon and told my parents mid college they were so disappointed in me, I stress drank and ate again. When I said I was an English major, oh dear god I drank for 2 days straight. When I said I couldn’t graduate in 3 years, they were disappointed again. I tried adderall for the first time, stayed up for 72 hours, smoked a cigarette and passed out outside my dorm. All this is my fault not my parents but my dad is an incredibly successful business man from a middle class background and I’ve always aspired to be like him.

I changed career paths three times and I was so shamed for it (even at 15/16) that Im a painful perfectionist now and cannot give myself free time. The entire reason I changed career paths was because no one ever really asked me to choose and I never let myself until I was 18. And my closest friends being older than me really influenced me in terms of drinking/drugs/ eating etc. also they were 21/22 and their friends were 24/25. For a while I was a 19 year old among 22- 24 year olds. I thought I was so fucking cool. When I was 15, I was dating a 19 year old. Thankfully I had the good sense to dump and report him when he pressured me into sex but I was so young I didn’t even see anything wrong with it.

I’ve never gotten a bad grade and I’m completing 3 internships right now but my mental health is in the toilet and all the weight I’ve lost recently is because I’ve been up and haven’t touched food because I’m so depressed and I cut out drinking. When school is full time, I work two jobs even though I’m not on fin-aid.

Like I said all these are a series of my bad decisions but a reason I push myself so hard is once, when I was 15, I was told by my parents my dad began med school at 16 and that’s why he had an early start in life and I’m a late bloomer. I’ve always been age conscious and feel halfway to the grave at 20.

Today I mentioned the fact that my dad began med school at 16 to my parents and they looked kind of confused. Then I reminded them of the day they said that to me and they sheepishly said it was a lie to motivate me and my dads timeline had been completely ordinary. Now, I don’t think that takes away from what he’s done but they’ve always pushed the narrative thag he was a child genius.

Now, ny sister isn’t like me and she’s more easy going and less stressed. She’s 19. However, she’s in her first year of college and her grades aren’t as good but she just isn’t subject to this kind of scrutiny. Today, she skipped school and went bowling. It doesn’t help that I partied as hard as I studied. I never went bowling, sightseeing or shopping wirh my friends. It was either partying or studying.

If it makes a difference, I’m the first grandchild to both sides of my family and the one ‘the hopes and dreams are pinned on’. I was so sick of hearing it. I was so upset at the lie.

I know there are people who have it harder and can cope with the stress but I just kind of lost it. By lost it, I mean I cried.

Writing this, as of today, I haven’t slept in 36 hours. I haven’t eaten and I’m living off espresso. I think I ate some chicken 30 hours ago. Food is grey. I’m physically and emotionally half dead. I feel so so betrayed.

TLDR : parents told me a half assed lie a few years ago about when my dad went to medical school. Found out it was a lie today and broke down.

Edit : once I was 20 and began having mental breakdowns on the weekly, they were like shit we fucked up, we pushed her too hard and they push me to take breaks. Now I’m on autopilot and it doesnt matter what they say, I push myself so hard it doesn’t make a difference anymore. I also have younger male cousins but at their age, I learnt to cook and clean because I live in a sexist, Asian society. They don’t even carry their own backpacks up the stairs. Seeing this makes me want to scream my lungs out. Im aware the lack of sleep is making me crazy but I can’t go to bed.