I (28f) went on 2 dates with a man (47m). On our first date, I got a little tipsy and went home with him. I felt uncomfortable about it afterward, but I still liked him, so I decided to go on a second date.
On our second date, he invited me home again to stay over. I said yes to staying over, but I explicitly told him that I would like to slow down and did not want to do anything sexual. He agreed. When we went to bed, he kept trying to get physical. I told him no, and he kept continuing. I got upset and tried to leave – I said that I didn’t want anything sexual. He agreed again.
We were kissing, and he grabbed my hand to put it on his penis. I said no and pulled it away. This happened 2 more times before I stopped saying no. He kept saying that he could only finish if he had sex, and I said nothing. I let it happen. I did resist at one point, and he stopped for a minute before continuing.
I feel incredibly conflicted by this. I did go to his house. I did not fight back. I later learned that he lied to me about his age and job (he told me he was 37). I just feel really gross about the encounter, and I do not know how to feel about it. I said no, and I think that should have been enough. Maybe I sent conflicting messages.
7 comments
You were assaulted. Having to be convinced into complying is not a yes. You did not enthusiastically consent and you let him know more than once that you didn’t want to do anything sexual. I’m really sorry this happened it’s an awful feeling. I hope that you’re feeling okay.
This sounds like sexual assault to me. You clearly communicated that you were not consenting to having sex, and he clearly communicated that he understood you and agreed not to.
There is no particular threshold of resistance that you have to meet before it becomes assault. You clearly communicated a lack of consent and sex without consent is assault.
You were assaulted. At the very least block him and never see him again. You can also go to the police and press charges. You told him no…he continued despite you saying no….that is rape
You said no several times. This was assault.
Yeah maybe things would’ve been different if you didn’t go to his house. And this is something you should consider in the future because you ended up in a vulnerable position.
However, no means no. And you said no multiple times. The first time should have been enough. This was at the very least coercion which is wrong.
Yes, but also no? What you just described needs a jury to decide because he obviously overstepped, but you consented in the end.
Certainly he is a disgusting pig and abusive.. but you basically condoned his behaviour even though you supposedly told him to stop and resisted, it doesn’t sound like you tried to leave or get yourself out of the situation, which encourages not only him to behave that way with other woman, but also other men to behave that way with other women.
You apparently told him to stop 3 times and then just “let it happen” on the fourth.. you say you just let it happen and said nothing, as if you just laid there like a ragdoll and didn’t participate in any part of it..
What happened? Did you bolt home as soon as you could and never talk to him again? I doubt it.
In a previous post about him you said “We had a second date last night which went well, and I stayed the night.”
This is a pretty blatant form of sexual coercion. It doesn’t matter that you went to his house, that you were in bed with him, or even that you were fooling around. He needed to stop as soon as you revoked *consent*. Coercion falls under the umbrella of sexual assault in many jurisdictions.
Putting the legal technicalities aside, what he did was wrong. You told him multiple times no. He knew from the very beginning you did not want to have sex. And you continued to tell him. I am assuming you are talking about penetration with his penis. What a pos. btw, you did not send conflicting messages. He just did not want to take no for an answer.