My best friend died suddenly when we were both 15 and his death absolutely destroyed everyone around him, I had to watch as the remaining members of my friend group became fractured and smashed without any recovery whatsoever.
It has been 2 years now and life has been in limbo ever since, the isolation is maddening but so is the prospect of finding new people. I feel like I’m walking myself into a trap.
I’ll never forget how the last time I saw my friend face to face was only two hours before he was killed. What happened in a moment will manage to haunt me forever. I think about it daily and it’s soul crushing having to face that death is not a freak occurrence. Unless I go out next it WILL be coming back to greet me, and I am completely and utterly terrified.
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It will get better. I know that sounds cliché, but it’s true. You’ll never forget it, or him, but it gets easier to handle. You’re still very young. You’re not the first person to experience this, nor will you be the last. Having that broader view of things helped me a lot when I was younger.
Best move: life a life he’d be proud as hell of you for. Get out there and make new friends. Go live your dreams, set and accomplish your goals and relish each day. Live a few of his for him if you can in his memory. As you know, tomorrow is not guaranteed. Death is coming for us all. We will ALL lose ALL of our friends at some point.
Accept that and carry on anyway.