So my mom has very early signs of dementia and is on medication for it, She lives alone and helps out with her neighbors son a lot. She picks him up from school if his parents are at work, and the drive is about 3-4 miles and you have to take the freeway to get there so its a bit of a hassle in a town she’s not the most familiar with. Last week she had a really bad episode and I found her in an empty parking lot thinking the kid got lost. I took her home and stayed the night there, in the morning I took her to the doctors and he said thats probably as bad as she’ll ever get “thankfully” but she probably shouldn’t be driving anymore. I decided that having a partial caregiver is probably what’s best since I can’t move in and she likes the company.
The other day tho my stepsister (my mom’s husband passed a couple years ago) went to visit when the caretaker was over. She called me asking who that was and I explained the whole thing to her, she wasn’t happy that I’m “wasting money” on a care taker and that I should have talked it over with her first. (this is where I might be TA) I said something along the lines of “Look I did what I thought was best for my mom, I don’t really care what you think about my choice it happened and its over”.
She was still annoyed but dropped it and hung up on me.
Thoughts on this?
TL;DR:I didn’t contact my stepsister on what to do when my mom had a bad dementia episode and she’s mad I got a caretaker.
8 comments
Why does your step sister have opinions on your money or your mother’s money? Is she expecting to inherit money after your mom dies?
It sounds like having a caregiver is working well for your mother.
NTA
Your stepsister sounds like belittling the situation with your mom already. Good on you for acting fast and doing what’s best for your mom.
NTA. Like you said, that’s *your* mom so you handled it. You don’t need your stepsister’s permission or opinions. She can handle her own mom.
Good on you for getting help for your mum! I’m going through the same thing with my dad, and having to hire extra help so he can stay at home, and my sister (as the medical POA) is more than happy for me to deal with stuff like that! And really, whose money is being “wasted”? Any money spent to help someone be as independent as possible is money well spent in my eyes.
She’s probably just worried too for the simple fact that you didn’t let step sis know how bad the dementia got regarding her latest episode about the lost kid in the parking lot . I doubt it was because you got a caregiver it’s most likely because you didn’t think to keep her in the loop when that’s still her mom too regardless if it’s only by marriage but especially cause her dad is dead so your mom is the last thing she has of him that he loved❤️
Everyone else advised you about your stepsister already, I want to address this part:
>in the morning I took her to the doctors and he said thats probably as bad as she’ll ever get “thankfully”
If she was diagnosed with dementia, the only way she won’t get worse is if she dies before that happens. Sorry, OP, but there is no “getting better” from dementia; you can at most postpone the inevitable with medication and activities meant to stimulate memory. Read up on symptoms and keep an eye on your mother to notice changes; if you see changes for the worse, and you haven’t already, take her to a neurologist, NOT a GP.
If she is at the point where she needs a caregiver, and you haven’t done so already, then you need to establish guardianship and power of attorney before she becomes mentally incapable (from a legal standpoint) of signing documents and managing her affairs. This will make your and her life easier in the long run, especially since you will be legally managing her affairs and your sister won’t be able to interfere e.g. firing the caretaker or taking your mother off her medication.
Also, re: your stepsister: how aware is she of your mother’s condition? Does she express interest in caring for her or keeping up with her needs?
Don’t piss off your step sister.
You are only at the beginning of a long road ahead. As your mother gets older, you and she will need a much larger support system than you can fathom at his point; it’s not about money, it’s about who you can trust. It sounds like your step sister has a good relationship with your mother and was a reliable person to lean on in an emergency. Now she’s going to pull back.
How in the loop are you about her and your mother’s relationship? I do think it’s a bit inconsiderate that she was so in the dark that she didn’t know who this stranger was when she was coming over to visit. If she’s family enough to be over at the house I think the normal thing would be letting everyone know about this change, and about how your mother is doing generally.