This is long, and it may not even all make sense. I’m pretty upset right now and just getting it out.
My now fiance (29M) and I (29F) recently got engaged. My fiance used to be a serial cheater. He cheated on every major relationship he had. He also pursued countless women in relationships, some were even married. However, when he met me he had been single for 3 years and he was proud of that fact. He said he had wanted to take time to get to know himself and know what he wanted and become a better person. I thought this was a great sign. Everyone deserves a second chance and a chance at growth.
Well that leads us to today. This morning my fiance got a text from someone that he knows, albeit not very well. She accused him of telling her best friend (anna) that he loves her and then turning around and getting engaged. Except we’ve been dating for a year and a half. He also said the fb messages with Anna have been deleted.
Rewind some, a few months back I found out that he still had probably 90% of his old hookups on his fb. And with his history, I got really insecure about it and asked him to delete them all. He said he didn’t talk to them anymore and he didn’t consider them friends so he didn’t care to delete them. I said those were the perfect arguments to get rid of them and I asked him to do it. (I know that if he wanted to cheat, he would with whoever, but I felt like it was a little disrespectful that he was with me and still had these women who knew he cheated with them in the past on his fb). He said he deleted them all and I was grateful and moved on.
Back to today, he is still friends with Anna on fb and he had been talking to her just before we got together. I told him that makes me really insecure, especially if he was telling her he loved her right before he met me. He got defensive and said I thought we were done with this. I thought you weren’t going to ask me to delete people off of fb anymore. To be fair, I had said that when I thought they were all gone. As it turns out, according to him, he was talking to Anna just 2 months before we met. I told him I’m not asking him to delete anyone, but I’m feeling insecure all over again.
Additionally our entire relationship has been built on the fact that he was single for 3 years becoming a better person just to find out that he had been pursing Anna while she was in a relationship just a few months before we met. He only stopped because she turned him down.
Now I have to wonder if he really changed at all? Are the messages with Anna really deleted or did he just not want me to look? Or are they really deleted because he was talking to her more recently than he said and he wanted to be rid of the evidence? Was he just waiting for someone single to come along who wanted him and I was the first one? I’m so confused and hurt and I just wish I could go back to yesterday when I believed he was the man he said he is.
Tl;dr My fiance was a serial cheater, but said he’s changed. Now I may have evidence that that is not the case and I believe I’ve made a mistake.
30 comments
In all honesty, with no disrespect. You THINK?
You’re right. You made a mistake.
A person’s words tell you who they want you to *think* they are. His actions tell you who he *really* is.
So he told you that he’d changed and been single for three years before you came along. That’s the person he wants you to *think* he is.
But his actions (pursuing Anna during most of that time and only stopping because *she* shut it down; lying to you about it; maintaining a connection with all of his stable of hookups) show you who he *really* is: a person who never changed at all.
You made a mistake, but fortunately you found that out *before* it’s too late.
At the very *least*, the engagement needs to be rescinded. Personally, if I were you, I’d be out the door, because literally everything about him that convinced you to try with him was a lie from the very outset, and so you cannot believe anything that he has told you, ever, about who he is and where his heart lies.
You can walk away from this.
I would.
Anna aside, the fact that you had to ask him to delete people from his account shows a lot about him. My boyfriend and I had been dating about 6 months when I saw he still had Bumble. I mentioned that it made me uncomfortable and he (in front of me) deleted it without me asking. I only bring that up because I think there is importance with mentioning your uncomfortable with something and how your partner reacts. Getting defensive is usually a red flag in most situations.
Look at how he reacts when you’ve brought all of this up. Does he deflect? Does he make you feel insecure? Those reactions tell you so much more about his intentions than the messages.
My advice is don’t walk away, run. And don’t look back no matter what. Just be glad you haven’t married him.
Oh heeeeeelllllll naw. You need to gtfo.
I think it’s better to be alone than with a man you don’t deeply trust
You know you’ve made a mistake, don’t downplay it. He’s not changed, you should leave.
If someone is upset that he told their friend he “loves” her and is now engaged 1.5 years later, that means he talked to her more recently. Not 2 months before he met you. It means he’s at least emotionally cheated/cheating on you.
I would think a changed man would have deleted those old hookups off fb on his own. But the fact that he pushed back on deleting them when you asked and then didn’t delete the married one he had pursued most recently AFTER he declared he was single and “becoming a better man” are all red flags with flashing lights on them.
At least you didn’t marry him.
Yeah you have second thoughts. Marriage requires a bond
Run. You don’t just think you’ve made a mistake. You know. Dodging a bullet is a good thing. It’s way better than being stuck with a bullet in you.
>He also said the fb messages with Anna have been deleted.
Did he explain why he did that?
>He got defensive and said I thought we were done with this.
Not a great reaction from an admitted serial cheater who has been clean for maybe a year and a half.
>Now I have to wonder if he really changed at all?
I think you know deep down.
Like you pointed out, your entire relationship is built on a pretty big lie. You now know that he was pursuing a woman in a relationship mere months before you two met, you know he lied about it, and you know that he conveniently got rid of any evidence of that fact, which shows he knows it was wrong.
I would toss this one back.
Queen, with all due respect, why?
Is he a project? Are you a social worker?
This entire relationship was founded on the belief that he’d changed and that’s why he remained single. But that was a lie. Your relationship is based on a lie.
I don’t know why women think they can change men. Is he a diaper? Why are you lying to yourself?
You’re young. You’ll find someone who isn’t a piece of shit. This man thinks you’re not going to leave which is why he has the audacity. Leave and prove him wrong. Let him stay alone and miserable. Don’t let him drag you with him.
Marry him and don’t sign a prenup. Then divorce and take half his shit
In all seriousness, why is this person’s friend reaching out on her behalf? see if this actual anna person can send you proof. not saying he’s right or wrong, but sometimes people like to cause drama and get into people’s relationships because they have some unresolved turmoil.
The blaming you for asking him to delete people on fb (which you absolutely should not have to do) is the biggest red flag/gaslighting bs. I was emotionally cheated on in my marriage. Called him out, begged him to stop. It never stopped. And It took me finding out about real cheating to actually leave. My life is so significantly better w/o them. Get out before you’re bound to this person. You deserve sooooooo much better.
If you can’t trust him then don’t be with him. Sounds like the path you’re in is only going to bring you pain. Please leave
Do not marry this man. The absolute best-case scenario is that this is a misunderstanding and you will work it out. That being said, YOU DO NOT CURRENTLY TRUST HIM. Do not marry someone you don’t trust. Even if your reasons to distrust are wrong, you have no foundation for a healthy relationship.
Your bf: Blah, Blah, Blah.
🚩🚩🚩 You can’t trust him.
Ahhh I think regular definition of single and his may be different. Seems like he didn’t have an official gf but he was still sleeping around a chasing women. Just didn’t get one he liked enough. Doesn’t seem like he changed at all and is only interested what he wants. I bet if you leave he’ll be with Anna in a week.
Been there done that. Cut your losses before it’s another year, or 10 years down the road and you find out he was cheating. He isn’t committed or he would happily get rid of hookups. Run.
>My fiance used to be a serial cheater.
There’s no such thing as a former serial cheater. Hopefully, you won’t continue to stay with him long enough to find out firsthand.
Run! Don’t make the same mistake I made. Serial cheaters are what they are….serial cheaters.
You need to ditch him and you need time to evaluate why you are attracted to men like him. Because if you don’t get that issue resolved, you will always go after his type.
This guy sounds like my “ex”. “I want to be single to find myself!” Proceeds to be FWB with every girl he is remotely attracted to. And that usually turns into a relationship in every sense but the label. 😑
Trust your gut. Hes shown you who he is, so run. For your own sanity, run far and run fast. You may have made a mistake but it’s not too late to correct it. It’ll hurt like hell, but you’ll be better for it.
While people can change, it sounds like he didn’t. Something about this situation seems off. Why would someone be accusing him of telling Anna he loved her and then getting engaged… if she turned him down and he stopped pursuing her 2 months before you got together. That’s almost 2 years later? That doesn’t make sense. Deleted messages are a dead giveaway that he’s not telling the truth.
Really hard to believe that “I love you” is a year and a half old. Sounds like you’re receiving a big warning before legally binding yourself to this man. If you truly want to salvage this and feel you could trust him again, maybe couples therapy? And an open door policy on messaging to rebuild trust? It’s really really hard to rebuild trust if he isn’t willing to admit fault and he isn’t being proactive about wanting to fix this.
It’s rare for cheaters to change, like very very very rare. I guarantee that your fiancé has been cheating this whole time and has been deleting evidence, so you won’t catch him. He lied to you about deleting all of his previous hook-ups off Facebook. He lied about being single for 3 years, to become a better person, when he was in fact persuing one of his previous hook-ups. He’s a liar and a cheater, he’ll never change.
Run for the hills and never look back.
A relationship has to be built on trust, if you don’t have that don’t be with him.
From the way you write it sounds like you are not confident in yourself and how in love he is with you.
In fact it sounds like you are very insecure in this relation, which begs the question does he treat you as the ONLY person he would WANT to be with?
It sounds like he gives you doubts on not only his past relationships but also where you are on his priority list.
Don’t settle, there are men out there who treat you as their equal, not someone they settle for.
Being as I was in the situation you were in, like everyone else is saying, run. It doesn’t get better. I don’t want to offend you but we’re not different; but that also doesn’t make us the problem.
I was recently cheated on after a 6 year relationship to someone I was engaged to. He was also a serial cheater and throughout the majority of the relationship I was insecure and had trust issues and kept believing I was the problem. I forgave him too which didn’t help. Honestly save yourself the heart ache! If there is any inkling in you that doesn’t trust him or that questions his trust then don’t do it, it only builds up.