I’ve signed a NDA, so I like to tell people ridiculous jobs when I meet them. Not compulsive liar level, don’t worry, just if I meet people in a bar or something like that.

I do it as a joke so the funnier the job, the better.

Bonus points if you can give me a couple of facts to make it more believable.

26 comments

  3. The job you done before the NDA.

    If you keep telling people different jobs, you’ll get caught out soon enough.

  5. Tell them you are a statistician. That should end any work-related conversation.

  6. Someone’s gonna have to give me examples of jobs that would have an NDA that doesn’t allow you to tell people what your job is. Other than secret military/GCHQ/MI5 but I don’t think it’s NDAs for that.

  7. Something boring that doesn’t invite more questions. E.g. I work at the regional planning agency

  8. Shelf stacker in the local supermarket.
    You can complain about rubbish hours for shifts and how a lot of customers are aresholes, no one will argue!

    You can pick up new stories here and there to keep it fresh!

  9. I had a job delivering parcels around Cheltenham. I went to gchq every day. There were two sites back then, a pain in the arse to get past security, all I wanted to do was drop the parcels and go.

    Every day I signed a form to say I wasn’t carrying, amongst other stuff, cameras, recording equipment, computers.

    I was carrying all of the above, mainly to deliver to them.

    I did meet an MI5 guy once. We were queuing to get in and having a chat about the weather. When he went up to the counter he introduced himself as James bond (or whatever his name was) MI5. Made my day.

    Anyway, you could tell them your job is donut hole checker.

  11. There’s a classic prank where you tell the new guy to go buy/find an item that doesn’t exist, you could say you work for a company that manufactures one of them. Some classics:

    * Skirting board ladder
    * Tartan paint
    * Left-handed screwdriver
    * Sky hook

  12. I thought the standard response was “civil service”

    I work for a Big Pharma so I just tell people I work for a drug dealer.

  13. Unless you work in a classified occupation and have likely signed the official secrets act, then you can’t disclose what you do, but I can’t imagine what sector requires employees to sign a non disclosure agreement about their job title.

    Don’t nda’s cover the content, not the role ?

    For example, I know a costume designer/maker, but she can’t say what production she’s working on at the time due to the usual nda which would affect her fees if broken.

  14. I used to be a ‘Local Government Officer’ or something along those lines… I just told people I was a Dolphin Vet

  18. Special investigator for HMRC or insurance loss adjustor should stop any followup questions.

  21. Signing an NDA for your job most likely means you want to bring less attention to it – not more. Instead of saying weird jokey ones, just make it boring and move on.

    Keeps it from being a thing to be talked about for you and keeps the other side from feeling awkward about enquiring.

    Unless you’re excited about the idea that you can’t tell them and just want to keep winding people up anyhow.

  22. I work for a military surplus dealer. The other week we sold a bunch of (item) that the military said were (some shortcoming) to (company you want to poke fun of).

    For example mattresses that were too uncomfortable for the army, sold them to Britannia hotels.

  24. Tell them you shave Dolphins. Background is that Dolphins in captivity accumulate scale and it needs to be shaved off regularly. Surprising how many people buy it before googling

  25. Tell them you’re in crypto then come out the bathroom later looking at your phone and crying.

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