I’m (25F) married (he’s 26M) with 3 children ranging from 10M to 5. We’ve been together 9 years. I work nights (today is my day off), still wake up early to dress and take the kids to daycare, and I’m in my second semester of school. Because it’s summer, I have several due dates a week and it’s been a nightmare keeping up.
He said he was going river rafting with coworkers this week. Even though I’m completely swamped and would appreciate the help so I can study, I’m making it work and told him I’d be fine. He’s always wanted to go and I don’t want his summer to go to waste because of me.
However, his coworkers NOW have decided they wanted to go 2 days and he said he’s going to go. I have several due dates and was under the impression I’d have help today. On top of that, the baby has had a fever all day and has been requiring alot of attention. There’s no way I’m getting anything done with 3 orangutans.
What’s really upsetting is that him flaking on me has happened frequently. He tells me he loves and supports me and that he’s so proud of me pursuing my goals. But then if something fun comes up, poof. And then he’s frustrated he and kids don’t see me for the entire weekend because I’m cramming all of my work into the weekend.
I’m just feeling really sad… this isn’t the dynamic I grew up with… and so I don’t know how to convince people around me that me going to school isn’t just a new cute little hobby. I want to help provide for my family so we’re not always living bill to bill.
When he was doing all his job training and started his career, I put everything on standby and was a stay at home mom. He never had to worry about set backs or childcare.
Also, we moved for his job and so we don’t have a bunch of friends and family to ask for help with the kids. We can barely afford childcare and so paying a babysitter isn’t viable. I feel alone out here.
It’s not all bad. He’s my best friend and he’s a wonderful father. But this is still so very exhausting.
But I’m worried I could just be codependent. I know sometimes I can be. Am I just overreacting? Is there something more I could do to help myself without going into financial ruin?
4 comments
How long does the rafting last? What did he say when you told him you can’t handle all the work?
He’s not reliable. He’s acting like the husband he was taught to be. House and children are your job as the wife. If he wants to run amok like a single, child free guy, he should pay the child support to get a babysitter. Seriously, what kind of dad galavants off when his baby gas a fever?
If this is something that happens all the time it’s obviously a problem, if it’s just a one time thing and it’s bothering you because your stressed, maybe try to find the strength to get through and extra day for him especially if he has ever done it for you. Either way if it’s clearly more one sided then that’s the talk you guys need to have. In that case it wouldn’t be about codependency it would be about who’s pulling the weight and how equal it is. Because life will always come up and you guys need to be willing to work with eachother
If you are working more on school than he works in general, he should be stepping up in other areas. That’s just the give and take of a relationship to make it easier on eachother. You going to school is something that benefits you both
This sounds like codependent behavior, like you take on a lot thinking you need to, since it helps others, but you don’t factor in your needs as much. Then your partner sees everything gets done so they don’t pitch in because you do such a good job of making it look easy.
Next time they complain they don’t see you for the weekend, tell them why and ask them to take over some of the work that’s on your plate. You deserve to be helped and taken care of just as much as anyone else in your family.