Hello! I’m not on Reddit very often and have not really looked through this subreddit, so I don’t entirely understand the culture here and apologize if this post is way too personal, but I would love some advice on this if anyone is willing to share.
My boyfriend (18M) and I (19F) are both virgins and have decided that we want to have sex together, but, because neither of us have had sex, we’ve run into some awkward problems. Most of these problems we’ve fixed together and, despite still not going all the way, have been intimate and very much enjoyed each other’s company as a result of solving these issues. The one issue we have yet to solve, however, is that of erectile disfunction. Whenever my boyfriend and I try to have sex, he’s “semi-hard,” but not hard enough for us to get anything to happen. This has been happening for months now and our little virgin brains aren’t sure what to do.
We’re very happy despite not yet having sex, but would love to know if there’s anything we can do to finally fix this issue. Throughout this post, I have tried to be as PG as possible, but am willing to share more details if that helps anyone to find a solution for us!
37 comments
It may be performance anxiety on his part. Some hand or mouth work (giving or receiving) may help him relax.
Alternatively, it could be that he masturbates a bit too much. Backing off for a few days will help if that is the case.
Lastly, it could be a circulation issue. Taking up cardio helps with that but it isn’t an instant fix.
Does he get fully erect when masturbating and/or when you are otherwise messing around? Are you using birth control, condoms or both? The distraction of putting on a condom can lead to this sometimes and condoms can reduce sensitivity (although there are thin ones these days).
Could be related to pregnancy fears, preconceived (religious) guilt about premarital sex, fears of hurting you or could even be a medical issue.
Sounds like a classic case of the heebie-jeebies.
My first time(s) I was also half-hard. I’d say try it, and he will probably get used to it eventually, leading to a normal erection.
Trust me when I say, mouth and handwork beforehand didn’t do anything
Don’t worry, this is the perfect place to post these types of questions.
Does he have any difficulty in getting hard when he is by himself ? If the answer is no, it’s simply because he’s nervous when you are there: trying to please you, trying to not do anything “inappropriate”.
The easiest solution is to take your time ! Take an hour or two, get naked, and just lay next to each other, perhaps in a “69” configuration where you can see and touch his penis, and he can see/touch you. Don’t try for penetration, or at least don’t plan for that immediately. Just take the time to enjoy each other’s company and intimacy.
As a second step (maybe the same day, maybe a different day), change positions so that his penis can rub between your legs. Again, penetration is not the immediate objective. Just take the time for both of you to enjoy the sensation, and sharing this moment together.
Then simply take it slowly, easily – again with no hurries, no worries. Soon enough he will be completely inside you, and nature will take care of the rest.
This is only the very beginning of a long journey for the both of you. Sex is a vast universe with much to explore ! Keep talking, telling each other what you are feeling, and what you desire. Don’t hesitate to experiment, always talking and listening to each other’s wants and needs.
It can be a complex problem, and there isn’t just one answer. I would start out by trying to figure out if it’s a medical issue, or a mental issue.
Does he ever get fully erect, and can he sustain an erection through to orgasm in any setting? If the answer to either of those is no, see a doctor. There’s no shame in having a medical problem, even if it feels embarassing.
If he gets erect sometimes, and can stay hard sometimes, it’s more complex. The first thing I would look at is medication. Is he on any sort of anti-depressant or anti-anxiety meds? Those can interfere with his sex life in a big way. There are a bunch of other meds with sexual side effects, but if a shrink prescribed it, it’s a suspect for sexual side effects. Talk to the prescriber, there are usually other options that may have different side effects in his specific case. Any chronic illness? That can be a factor, again, talk to the doctor. Is he overweight? Again, can be an issue, and no one needs to tell overweight people to lose weight, but it can help. Recreational drugs, tobacco, alcohol, herbal supplements, can all be factors.
So, ruling out all that stuff, it is easy for a guy to think himself out of an erection, when he wants it the most. There are so many things to worry about. Performance anxiety can be a big deal, pregnancy concerns, just good old fashioned guilt, and so on. Talking can help, but it can be hard for him to recognize whats going on in his own head.
Some people will suggest going down on him until his body responds. This can be good advice, for about 30 seconds. If it works, great. If it doesn’t work, stop, and don’t try that method again. Nothing makes a limp dick stay limp like focusing on it. That’ll give a guy a full blown anxiey attack, and make sure that it happens again next time. My suggestion is the total opposite, a little reassurance, “im still happy and having fun, this isn’t a problem, it’ll be ok”, and then it’s time for him to go down on you. If he is having erection problems, focus on stuff that turns him on, and that’s your body, not his. If you are both enthusiastic about him going down on you, he can get out of his own brain, stop thinking about whatever it is, and get into the moment. As a plus, even if he doesn’t get hard the whole time, he can feel a lot more confident that you enjoyed being sexual with him. It’s super discouraging to have erection problems, spend the time you thought was going to be a fun sexual happy time struggling, and then you end it both feeling discouraged. It’s totally different if you just have fun anyway, and he makes you feel good, and you can share a more positive experience. It builds confidence, and confidence is boner fuel.
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Good luck.
He’s just nervous. You can fix this. It is simple. Do something that you think will make him relax. He doesn’t know what that is gonna be, it’s part of the reason he is with you and wants to be intimate with you. Whatever you figure out will be pretty amazing for him. Have fun, be respectful, safe and enjoy figuring out why it’s so great to be close to another person.
If it was 1 time I’d say maybe it’s anxiety. Months? Maybe professional help is in order.
As others mentioned it is probably anxiety, yet he better see doctor for chance it is not. If he have no problem with erection while alone, then this whole situation is probably is getting into his head and he worry that by not doing penetrations he is failing you. Try to create environment where he isn’t pressured to have full intercourse, but you still do some sexual stuff and intimacy, like watch show while teasing each other, cuddle and etc with stated that it is no requirement to have full intercourse, let him finger you, go down on you etc, and you do similar for him.
The guy I most recently hooked up with needed me to blow him so he could get hard before PIV, and even then still got a bit soft sometimes. Dicks are not easy to understand even for the guy a lot of them time. Just try and be patient and understanding and over time you guys should be able to figure out what works for yoy
>Throughout this post, I have tried to be as PG as possible
Bluntly, this is part of your problem. You two are talking about having full sexual intercourse, which means it’s time for you both to be able to talk plainly and frankly about sexual activities and body parts. If you’re still too squeamish or nervous or prudish to handle the topic with maturity, then you’re not ready to have sex.
I don’t say that to discourage you, I say that to _encourage_ you to drop any discomfort with the topic.
As for ED – nervousness can absolutely squash an erection. Failing once due to ED can make the next time even more difficult, because he’s worried about failing again. It creates a vicious cycle. Since you’re also a virgin, actually inserting his penis entirely into your vagina for the first time is way easier to accomplish with a very firm erection.
If you both are spending lots of time getting comfortable with each others privates, with oral sex, mutual masturbation, fingering, and so on, then that will cut down on the nervousness. Spending quality time with these activities also makes it easier to naturally transition from them to sex, instead of trying to jump straight to sex from a cold start.
Another cause of ED aside from performance anxiety is worries about hurting you. He should spend a lot of time on foreplay with you, which aside from being useful should also be a lot of fun. You should apply some water-based lubricant to his penis and some on your labia before trying to get it in, because no matter how wet you are to start, you can lose that wetness very quickly if the encounter starts getting awkward. Even with all that, frankly, it’s still possible for you to feel some pain the first time. If you’re both mentally prepared for that, then he will have an easier time keeping his erection to start, and ideally it will start feeling much better after that.
Finally, I have a simple and practical recommendation. Have him spend as much time as you both need and both enjoy on rubbing his penis on your labia, clitoris, and vaginal opening. This will help you both get into the mood, especially if your attitude is “if this leads to sex, great, if not, then this is still fun,” instead of “c’mon already, get hard enough to put it in me!”
Definitely the right place, and there’s a lot of answers but ultimately everyone’s body and mind are different so take everything with a grain of salt.
It sounds like it’s almost definitely nerves, especially if he’s able to be fully erect and climax on his own. I saw good recs about doing cardio, masturbating less, and other things that can help. I’d recommend using your mouth and hands to get him where he needs to be and go from there. The most important thing is to enjoy each other, and a light-hearted atmosphere is usually great for letting you both be yourselves in bed.
I’m guessing you are putting condoms on. he may be too girthy for the regular condoms and may need to start using Magnums.
Could be many things.
Does he masturbate too much? Or use too much porn? This is often the cause of a weak erection.
It could also be too little foreplay, or too much anxiety on his part
A lot of good insight here already. Question-is it safe to assume that you guys made out heavily and did lots of grinding and other sexual touching prior to now? I’d so, was he getting hard from that?
If the answer is yes then you guys should take a different approach for now. Instead of going into a situation saying “ok we are going to have sex now”, relax, go back to your normal way of things, don’t PLAN to have sex, just as things escalate and keep getting more hit and heavy don’t hit the brakes like you would in the past. But even when you get to that point, take it slow in a sensual, teasing way. Play “just the tip” and keep making out and touching each other. Thrust yourself up and down on his tip slowly, feel him instinctively going to push into you further, but tease it and pull back slightly when he does. Keep the tip inside you but don’t let him go in further until it feels like he’s begging for it because the desire for the feeling of being inside you is taking over his stress. Then thrust yourself down so he’s fully inside you and let your instincts and passion take it from there.
If it’s anxiety, there’s a technique called “stuffing” and it’s exactly what it sounds like. You stuff the semisoft penis into the vagina. Once it’s in, you’re past the hurdle and it gets hard and works. Only if it’s getting started that’s the problem.
Foreplay.
Haven’t read all the comments here. Could be a hormonal issue.
If he struggles to maintain an erection when alone, get him to check his test levels. A full hormone profile would help.
He shouldn’t be having problems at his age. If it’s mental, that’s another problem for you and there are drugs available to help him feel more comfortable. But that’s short term, he doesn’t want to be dosing viagra 2-4 hours before he wants sex every time.
It’s a shame that young guys face these problems, but testosterone levels have been dropping for years now. There are medications (clomid etc) that can help him without going nuclear.
You have to find the nucleus of the problem and move forward from there.
Not sure if this has been mentioned but 2 things that could help include making sure he is hydrated/isn’t hungry before the two of you are about to do the deed. This can have some influence on his erection or at least be a distraction.
Lay naked in bed don’t focus or think about the hard on and just laugh tickle play enjoy each others company. It’s like a deer in headlights… Can move. Touch they whole body softly. Massage his whole body with both or you naked. It will happen when ready. Focus on your pussy and giving you an orgasim with hands or mouth.
I didn’t read all the comments, so maybe this was already mentioned. Is he on any medication ex. For Attention Deficit. That can negatively affect erections.
Op people are asking good questions in here but they can’t help if you don’t answer
He has some pelvic floor tension. Basically what I call muscle cramps. Whenever you have sex or masturbate, you’re giving your pelvic floor a workout. The more you use your pelvic floor, the stronger it gets. But also, the muscle cramps will be stronger. Hence, the erectile dysfunction.
The simple fix is to just give his penis a little stretch. Just a gentle tug away from the body. Keep repeating often, and this will basically stretch the pelvic floor muscles and bring his erection back.
If he can normally be hard, then this is just nerves. Nothing to be done about it… just keep being gentle with eachother, continue enjoying and stick with foreplay and it’ll resolve itself in time. Happens to most people at one point or another.
Not saying this to be offensive or anything but maybe he’s gay and everything else has been fine until penetrative sex with a vagina is on the cards and his subconscious isn’t as into the idea as he thinks he should be?
Tell him to stop masturbating and eat more watermelon. It works.
There’s potentially one of two problems: either mechanically there’s an issue or there’s a psychological issue.
Does he get hard throughout the night or in the morning? If yes, then it’s most likely psychological. If no, then he should see a doctor.
If the above is yes, then it could be down to many things including stress, pressure to perform, getting over excited in a way that makes him think too hard about everything etc.
I’m my experience, patients can get over the psychological aspect of ED if they aren’t expected to perform. For example: next time you’re chilling cuddled up and talking about random things, hold and play with his penis while you do. Ask him if it’s okay if you just play with it because it’s fun, but you’re not looking to have sex or anything, that you just like touching it. Just flop it around, touch it, explore, maybe not just focus on the “typical” movement of masturbation (up down up down). During the discussion he’ll get distracted by focusing on what to say next so much that he won’t be focusing on performing. This scenario has been found to be successful in getting over the initial speedbump that is performance anxiety with a new partner.
Good luck. I hope this detail helps anyone else reading too, this problem can really suck for everyone involved.
death grip and/or anxiety
Also if he uncut make sure that he look up how to proper roll back the skin and clean his penis
It’s probably all in his head he needs to relax and feel comfortable as well as be turned on if he’s nervous or anxious there’s going to be trouble and the ed will make it worse. You can help him too if you egg him on don’t get disappointed and be invested in his “thing” it will stand tall
My man sounds nervous (totally natural) or on an SSRI.
Do whatever you can to slow things way way down. I’d focus on just making out honestly and not even mess with his penis (just barely, to tease some) until he’s nearly in pain from lack of attention. Trying to jerk off a limp dick can really backfire — desensitizes and demoralizes and puts you too much in your head. Touch him everywhere else instead.
If he can get normal erections in other circumstances such as masturbating or while asleep, then the problem is likely all mental. Perhaps performance anxiety, fear of pregnancy risk, nervousness or others. Trying to relax, take it easy and slow might help. But that’s easier said than done.
If he cannot get normal erections, even in normal circumstances, then it might be better to consult an actual medical professional and not Reddit.
FYI sex isn’t just PIV. that’s very reductive. Sex is any activity involving stimulation of sexual and erogenous organs. Ergo it may help you stop feeling so much performance pressure if you let go of the expectation of PIV. You also need to get comfortable talking about sex. its not shameful and a lot of people, animals hell even bacteria do it. Men and women, men and men, women and women. As long as its consenual and physically safe just have fun, let go, relax, feel into it. And stop taking it so seriously. Talk about sex. Talk about penises and vaginas. Talk about what feels good. Talk about what feels bad. Talk about sexuality. Talk about kinks. Talk about consent. Go forth and fuck .
I’m really missing the obvious solution to the problem here. Provided your bf get semi-hard, have him squeeze around the root of his penis with his thumb and index finger as he enters you. He will harden up once inside. Works great when you’re a virgin. 10/10 would recommend.
At first I would say it is likely performance anxiety, but since it’s been going on for a while, it could possibly Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction. Or even if he doesn’t watch porn, since he’s a virgin, if he masturbates regularly that can effect how your brain views real life sex and in turn prevent him from being properly aroused and erect for sex.
I would just bring this up with him, and if he does masturbate, and or watch porn regularly, you cam suggest not watching porn or masturbating for some time so his brain pathways associated with porn/masturbating can weaken. Because if his brain is used to correlating being ready for sexy time with masturbation/porn, and not actual sex, that can lead to erectile dysfunction issues.
It’s very rare for young adult men to have a physical pathology causing erectile dysfunction, so there’s a very good chance it’s mental/psychological. But if it persists he may want to see a doctor to evaluate if there’s anything wrong down there.
Best of luck!
Maybe he masturbates a lot and/or watches a lot of porn
Some guys have performance anxiety when they’re with new people or it’s their first time having sex. Typically what works is when the other person is stimulating them instead of them trying to focus on getting hard. My suggestion, buy some good quality condom safe lube and put it on his penis and play with him with your hands. Do this for a while until he feels relaxed. Then slowly get on top of him and grind against his penis with your vagina. Feel free to add more lube if you feel him starting to get dry or sticky. Then after doing this for a while grab his penis and use it like a toy. Grab it and rub the head of it against your clit and down your vagina opening. Do this for a while or until you feel his penis stay hard. Then if you’re using condoms, slide a condom on him and slowly slide the tip of his penis into you. It may hurt since it’s your first time, so either take it nice and slow by pulling his tip out and putting it back into you a little further each time and repeating this until he’s all the way in or if you just want the “rip the bandaid off” you can sit down on him and push his penis all the way in at your own pace. Just make sure you both have enough lube on before doing it. Keeping yourselves well lubed will make it easy for him to slide in and also help prevent much discomfort from happening.
His anxiety may not go right away. You may need to do similar things to get and keep him hard until he’s 100% comfortable with sex.