Simple answer is: no that’s hot. More complicated than that though.
My husband has been under a lot of stress and has been less interested in sex just as my needs have been ramping up. I dressed super hot yesterday, felt crazy sexy, and he looked at me and said I looked nice. Then when he tried to walk past me, he put his hands up as if I were the police so that he didn’t bump into me. I joked that I wasn’t going to arrest him and that he can touch me and he goes “Ok”—walked past me again and barely brushed me. I said “Is that all you’ve got?” and he went into our room and got ready for bed and read in bed. We talked a bit but it seemed his head wasn’t in it.
When things like that are going on, is it worse to text during the work day and say you want to get laid and that you’re horny af? Is it too much pressure? Or does it help build anticipation? Have any of you been in a similar spot?
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Without going into too much detail, sending a text like that, getting a positive response, and then not seeing it, can be a pisser.
This depends on your man.
Me personally, if I get a test from my partner that she is coming home and wants to be taken care of, I am already starting in my head what I want to do to her. Get things ready, remove all distractions.
Do it
I can’t see a text like that as too much pressure… but some people have some toxic situations to begin with, where this kind of text might cause a problem.
Especially if you phrase the text in a way where it makes him feel wanted by you – “thinking about how much I want you tonight” or “you turned me on so much yesterday. I’m not going to be able to resist crawling on top of you tonight”. When I feel like my partner is turned on specifically for me…there is absolutely no way I’m not giving her whatever she wants. Go for it!!!
If I were in your spouse’s position, yeah, I’d probably experience it as pressure. Could you do something like tell him you’re really horny & you want to masturbate next to him or something like that? That way you can still be sexual together and he can still read his book, lol. I found this podcast helpful: https://www.pleasuremechanics.com/the-masturbatory-assist/
Was his hands-up gesture rather than touch you being passive aggressive towards something else? Like something that was said earlier? Why would he shy away from wanting to touch you and make such a retreating gesture?
I just feel like he’s holding onto something in his head…
I think you’re approaching this the wrong way.
It’s a great idea to send a text that says “I’m horny and want to jump you when you get home tonight” however the reason for that text is to communicate desires and allow your husband to communicate expectations.
If he’s feeling it, he gets to spend some time building up for the event and get himself in the right mindset as he changes gears from work mode to sex mode.
If he’s not feeling it, he gets to warn you in advance that he’s not into it today for XYZ reason.
As long as you both have open communication and understanding then a text like that isn’t pressure, it’s an invitation. The problems come when you start expecting him to be horny on demand and start viewing your request as an obligation he has to fulfill. That isn’t unique to sending a sexy text but applies to every form of interaction and communication.
Ambushing him at the door and expecting him to jump you is a great way for both of you to be disappointed (you because you didn’t get laid and him because he isn’t being masculine enough or whatever). Sending a text so that both of you are on the same page for that evening is a great way to communicate desires and work together to ensure the evening matches both of your desires and interests.
Homie doesn’t want to have sex. Probably a lot of pressure. I’d let it go, for a very short time. Connect with him in other ways. How do you guys spend your time together? How do you think he feels about himself. Investigate his ass, bridge the relationship gap, and act grateful, despite this being all you. Do you have any idea at all what’s up with him, or is he a generally low libido guy? Your goal is to have sex, now it’s time to put in the emotional labor, and see your efforts bear fruit. What are your ideas on how to accomplish this? Let’s hear them out and chew them over! Someone might have a suggestion or addition that could prove to be extremely productive. I know I have received such here and I’d like to pay it forward
Is it too much pressure to tell your spouse that you need intimacy? Absolutely not. In fact, if you are clear and open about your needs, and they refuse to act, it’s soul-searching time imo. If I told my spouse I wanted her and she left me hanging without following up, I would be so frustrated and annoyed. Like what does that say? “Not my problem”? “Sorry, can’t/won’t help you”? “Whoops, already jerked it to some rando”.
I’m very blunt, and I find that avoids most miscommunications.
You already laid out your text in the above. “I know you’ve been really stressed lately. I’d be happy to give you a massage and anything else you want if you’re up to it.”
Simple, straight forward. Impossible to misinterpret without being demanding.
Send him a text that said “can I give you a back massage tonight?” And then don’t imply you want sex or expect it.
He’s stressed out, he doesn’t want sex, he wants to relax. It’s not relaxing to have someone ask for sex when you don’t want it.
It’s likely best to be flirty, talking about how you miss him touching you, how he makes you feel, and that you would really love to have some of that this evening. It should be fine to text him, but keep in mind that method always matters. You don’t want to come off as accusatory or demanding.
So, I would focus on explaining that you want to connect physically instead of pushing for sex. I think the problem sometimes is that we can perceive advances as the other person trying to get sex, rather than wanting to have a shared experience. So try to focus on connecting and not pressuring him. Also ask him what he needs from you.
I really, really think it depends on the nature of your communication with your spouse about sex.
In my marriage, that would be common and normal, because it is a running joke between us that we talk about “servicing” each other, and “performing our marital duties” in a fun-loving way, and always have.
I think that might not go over well if one (or both) partners view sex as a “chore”. That belies a deeper issue, I think….
It depends on the spouse. I used to do it with an ex and she said she felt pressured so that stopped.
Some men need extremely strong signals when life is weighing down hard. Landing strip lights on the bed. Wildly different lingerie. On your hands and knees with a butt plug that has a tail. An air traffic controller at the end of the bed waving lights towards your vagina. It sounds like he has lost the spice for life. It’s not just the sex. When I get in a funk like that, I need something drastic to bring me out of it. You guys have dates planned. Come up with something different to do together. Sign him up for a painting class and surprise him by being the nude model. Convince him to take a day off and get a professional massage, then work out something with the massage parlor where you can sneak in as the therapist finishes up and give him a happy ending. If things like that aren’t drastic enough to get his attention, then whatever he is doing for work is not worth his unhappiness or yours. Time for a change. Sometimes living a less glamorous life is a happier way to live. Get him back to the parts of life that matter before he is completely gone.
I think that’s fair to ask.
But also realize that just because someone is in the mood at 2 PM doesn’t mean they will be at 9:30.
And also realize that a person under stress is not really going to be in the mood for sex.
And finally realize that if one person is, and the other isn’t, then it’s that person’s job to seduce the other and attempt to get them in the mood and if they still don’t want to, respect the NO and back off.
I can only say from personal experience that if one spouse is not very spontaneous, it’s good to schedule sex. Even something as simple as “i’d like to have sex tonight” so they can get ready
I’m suprised noone really said that yet, but I find his behaviour rather rude. He could told you he’s not in the mood in a much more friendly way. Like still showing how he appcretiates your effort instead of just literally walking past you.
Instead of telling him you want sex, how about you propose to give him a massage to help him wind down? You don’t want him to be stressed with work and also anxious that you expect him to perform.
And who knows, maybe it’ll lead to more than just a massage.
This is how me and my wife like to tell each other. Give a confirmation. Even tho I want it every night. A text is not too much no just word it like the first post he had the right idea
I think you should never question what, how, where with your significant other. You should be able, and feel free to do aske and do as you please. And really how the other person reciprocates is on them. If you wanna get fucked just say it. Make your move, initiate it. Men sometimes over looked lil things. Well some. Good luck.
Right
You said he’s stressed, I can’t speak for your husband but when I am focussed on something especially something stressful I tend to miss social ques because I’m in my head.
You could say you won the lottery I’d reply like your husband “that’s nice”
So although your needs are ramping up, he won’t be able to be fully present with you even in bed if he’s mind is elsewhere
Tell him you’ve noticed he’s stressed and do something for him you know he’d like then leave him alone I promise you he will come out of he’s head and seek you out and probably apologise for being aloof
Make him his favourite sandwich (cliche) or meal? run him a hot bath? Call one of he’s buddies to hang out with him n get them beers… then leave.
The leaving is the most important part because it will click that he’s been ignoring your needs… although you’re offering him sex, what your simultaneously doing is giving him more responsibilities to take care of… unintentionally I’m sure… but yh, good luck
I wish my wife made that level of effort. Well done.
Tough one..
Give him space.. he might feel pressured and it will make things much worse. If this continues for say 3-4 weeks, then an open no pressure conversation and zero judgement would be the way to go. Wish you the very best