Just to make it clear I’m a guy. And we have been friends for 5 years. She was already out as gay before we even met so that was something I knew already.
Ngl over the years I still developed deep feelings for her. But I never thought she felt the same way for obvious reasons. Fast forward a few months ago we were staying at one of our friends house.
She told me I’m one of the few people she genuinely cares about. We both kissed which was a major surprise for me. Even more it went further and ended up having sex.
We didn’t talk for a few days because both of us wanted to process it. She told me that she hasn’t felt this way for a guy before so she’s open to exploring where things go. And that’s how it’s been. We have gone on several dates ever since. Almost every other day if not everyday we spend time together. I bring her lunch at work or she waits for me until my shift is over so we can have dinner at my place. A few days ago we went out to the beach. It was a great day, walked on the pier, had ice cream, made out a little in my car. We were both happy. I dropped her off and that’s when she told me she loved me.
Ofc I’m over the moon. I told her I loved her too. That was our last interaction. In the morning i called her to say goodmorning (either she does it or I do) before going into work. But she was short with me. I ask her what’s wrong. She says nothing. When we had lunch together she wasn’t talking at all, just looked like she’s not there. Several times I’ve asked her what’s wrong.
Now she’s telling me that she needs some space to process idk what but she promises she will tell me. I’m giving her space like she asked but it’s been almost 4 days of silence. This was all after she told me she loved me and I’m just worried. If she regrets it or she has some other trouble going on in her life that she can’t share.
It hurts because I want to help her or at least be there so she doesn’t feel alone. But I know I have to respect her need for space. Would it be bad to send her a text or would that be disrespecting her wishes. I’m really worried about her. How do I navigate this in the best way??
TL; DR after telling me she loves me my girlfriend is giving me the cold shoulder and I want to know how to navigate through this.
14 comments
I think I would send her a text to check in. Is she processing sleeping with you? (Sorry) I think after 4 days you deserve some type of communication. Good luck!
After four days I agree a single check in text isn’t unreasonable at all. If she freaks out and dumps you over that, it’s not like she wasn’t going to do that anyways. Definitely not more than one though for now!
Hmm apparently she may be an avoidant.. when things get close and real, she pulls away.. OR she is processing something outside of you both.. GIVE her the space she has requested for. Dont reach out, dont call or text.. allow her to process and come back.. of you keep reaching out or asking, it’ll make her pull away more
She’s probably processing the following:
1) Loss of identity or change of identity (from gay to bisexual) and/or whether this was a one-off for her or how she will feel moving forward;
2) If you two continue down the path of a relationship and things don’t work out, what does that mean for your 5-year friendship.
Of course the silences hurts. You should definitely reach out to her and remind her that you two have been friends for five years and that you can talk about anything, no matter how emotional or vulnerable. But, the ball is on her court to respond and I would not continue to “check in” on her in an attempt to get her to talk before she’s ready.
Find a way to distract yourself until she reaches out.
If she’s been an out lesbian for a long time it might be that she’s processing all kinds of difficult feelings surrounding her identity. She may well be questioning who she is. It’s not your fault but it does seem like admitting to loving one another could have triggered these feelings inside of her.
I don’t think sending a text at this point is a bad idea but keep it short and sweet and don’t keep texting her if she doesn’t respond for a while.
We have no idea what’s going on with her. Give her a few more days and then text her.
This is tuff. Maybe being in a straight relationship might invalidate her years as gay to people. People may tell her ” see it was a phase”. There is probably alot of confusion on her part. Imagine youre straight your whole life and then you meet a dude and click and get closer. Are you gay now? You never thought about dudes before. Were you always gay? Maybe she’s bi now or fluid. These labels really confuse me. Just love who you love. Maybe try asking lesbians on another thread they may be able to give you a better perspective into what she is feeling.
My lesbian friend did this. And i just cried. And she was so shook by my tears that she kinda held me. And she was like “im sorry”. And i told her that before i met my wife I had such an immense attraction and deep deep love. But i never wanted to offend her or be “that guy”. Now we cant talk. Kinda sad. She was my lady. I still think this. Deep down. She is everything to me.
[deleted]
You should probably get into Benadryl
Do you genuinely care about her? if yes, give her the space she needs. while she goes into deep thoughts on what is happening, you should do the same.
Dang I wish my lesbian friend would kiss me
Hey OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. It must be really confusing and unsettling for you.
My first advice would be: don’t leap to conclusions. This _might_ having something to do with your GF’s sexual orientation… or it might not. It _might_ have been triggered by saying you loved each other… or it might not.
It sounds like things have been going really well and smoothly for the two of you. If you’ve been reading things correctly, she cares about you, very much, and then you can trust her to let you in when she’s ready. Even if she needs to process first; even if she winds up going in directions you’re less happy with; she cares about you, will factor you in, will want you to be as happy as she’s able.
(If you _haven’t_ been reading things correctly, well, that’s alarming, but very hard to predict what might happen next, and with a less-rosy outlook. That said, things do sound like they’ve been going pretty well!)
What I will say is that this feels very **abrupt**. Going from “I love you” to “no contact” in 24 hours feels deeply jarring. You’re feeling that, and probably (hopefully!) she’s feeling that too. I hope she’s cognizant that, however necessary her need for space, it’s strange and alarming _to you_.
**If she specifically asked that you not contact her, or not to text her,** I would respect that request. If she needed to ask for that in the first place, than 3-4 days isn’t much time.
**If she didn’t ask for that specifically,** then there’s a big gap between “I need some time to myself” and “I want absolute radio silence.” I think in this case, a kind message could be appropriate and helpful. I’d say, though, that you should focus on _support for her_, rather than any kind of pressure on “but when are you going to tell me.”
So you could write something short, just saying that you’re in her corner and she can count on your support through whatever she’s going through. Make clear that you’re not expecting any kind of response at the moment. Basically, you want her to know that you are understanding and respectful and supportive, without turning that into any kind of “come back already, I am upset” pressure. (if you don’t think you can hit this goal… maybe better not to send anything…)
I really hope things work out soon. It’s so hard to be hanging on in a state of blindness like this — but sometimes we need to. I hope it goes really well for the both of you.
This may be one of the actual best posts ive seen on this sub about relationships